I was in a fog the moment I opened my eyes. My head was swirling with questions and thoughts and scenarios concerning my relationships. Recalling vague memories of odd dreams, I wondered why it was so consuming, filling even my unconscious mind. The more I thought, the more I prayed, the more jumbled and disconnected my brain became. I can't seem to shake the inadequacy I feel over relationships. They're tricky business.
One friend's name has been on my list to call for three weeks. I've tried a few times, but haven't been successful catching her. Life pushes on and it's hard to get to it, though she is on my mind often. And I carry around a sense of failure. There is no way for her to know I've prayed for her and about our relationship. No way for her to know I hurt for the loss of what we use to be.
I see the loneliness in another and feel helpless to soothe it. There are no magic words, no way to be there for her each time it strikes. She can't imagine the countless prayers uttered on her behalf.
It saddens me to think that as careful as I try to be with my words, they have undoubtedly stung people I love.
Though I can't explain it, this woman's presence calms me, but it bothers me we don't have ease in our conversations and I suspect I haven't seen the real her. Why doesn't she trust me?
Another friend and I have been on some rocky terrain. We are both trudging through and experiencing miraculous healing from God, yet I wish she could see my heart, how it still aches over what happened.
I would love to pick the brain of another woman and find out more about her. She is a consistent source of encouragement to me and my heart longs to hear what she thinks about.
I could go on and on. Maintaining relationships can be overwhelming. There are a lot of people I sincerely care about. I have good intentions, but it's hard to raise a family, complete the tasks God has given me, and make sure people know I still care. The sad reality is I can't do it all. Time with one person is time away from another.
So in my fog I prayed for God to intervene. I prayed He would guide me, show me who I should contact, who I should let be. Though people cannot see my heart, I prayed He would. I asked Him to honor my attempts to love others. Then I started my day.
And what a day it became! I had several meaningful discussions with a variety of people. There were two timely, precious phone calls from the very people I had dreamt about. An unexpected visitor was a pleasant surprise. Our whole family had a leisurely walk with friends culminating in ice cream and honest sharing. The icing on the cake was some especially meaningful and much-needed time with my husband. It was a day of true connection and comfort with friends and family alike, too many encounters to dismiss as coincidence. It was as if God was showing me it is okay. I am not a failure. All I asked for was wisdom. What He gave me was affirmation and hope that if I follow His lead in this relationship fog it will be okay.
And now I am left humming:
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love.
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
and it makes my heart want to sing."
Thank You, Lord, for this amazing gift to me. Thank You for Your peace in my fog.
Join Iris at Sting My Heart for more Thankful Thursday posts.
10 comments:
This week's trials (unrelated to Mackenzie)have left me feeling somewhat the same. While my relationship with God has been enhanced, my relationships with others have been temporarily placed on hold. I too, wish others could know how much I think about, pray for, and love them. You are so right! It is hard to find a balance so that you feel you are connecting to others - I struggle with that all the time. I am glad you had a great answer to prayer ~ and, thank you for sharing!! Isn't is just great to know that He is ALWAYS there for EVERYTHING?! I would be so lost without Him!!!!!!! Denise R.
So glad I got to talk to you today!
Forgot to tell you about an "aha" moment I had while watching a movie with Cole last night, Evan Almighty. God is always working to connect with us.
God is so awesome, bless you.
I completely understand both your post and the first Denise's comment. It is a hard balance and sadly at times my friends get the short end of the stick.
That's probably why my longest relationships are with those who extend extreme grace to me, and I to them. We always have to give each other the benefit of the doubt.
There is that special group of women in my life, albeit small in number, who I have come to know and love. We are always ready to pick up where we left off even if it's been 6 month since we've seen or spoken to each other.
I’ve just never been able to keep up with high-maintenance friendships.
I think you are one of a million women who honor their friendships deeply in their hearts. I completely understand about not having time. How do we find the time to do it all? Have faith your true friends always know how much you care and are praying for them. When you seem to be to busy...that's when God uses His power to let them know for you. He is an amazing friend, father, healer, comforter...it goes on to eternity.
Brilliant writing and a unique perspective, as always!
Wow, Tami, I feel like I could have written your whole post (up to the part with the walk and the ice cream... wish I could have had that, too!) I feel the same things about relationships. They're so precious to me and yet so difficult to nurture and maintain. It's so hard when we get on rocky terrain, so hard to show people our true hearts and let them know we can be trusted with theirs. Occasionally I get fatalistic about it and I think, "Forget it. I am never going to get this right... I might as well stop trying."
Thanks for your encouragement that reminds me I should NEVER stop trying. And never stop praying!
Tami, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts on relationship. Too often we don't have the time to cultivate those relationships and friendships. I think I need to take your advice to pray for God to show me how to proceed.
I am so thrilled that after your prayers God intervened in your day and made a glorious day for you.
Thank you so much for sharing your thankfulness with us this week.
Be blessed today and always.
How very cool. I think THAT, friend, is one way you do a fantastic job of explaining the indescribable God. By loving other people, and by sharing what God does in the everyday struggles you face. Good post friend. Sorry I've been slow at keeping up lately!
Still catching up from vacation but I'm taking my time so I don't miss anything good . . . or great - like this post. This is an area where God is teaching me to trust him as well. To let go of some hurtful relationships, to be open to some new ones, to reach out as he leads . . . so neat to see what happens when we turn this over to him. And Kara's comment is so true - this is how we "explain" God - by trusting and obeying and being. God bless you today, my friend!
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