4GOTN

The license plate hung at a slant off the back of the beat up little truck, a couple pieces of old wire hanging on for dear life as it swung ever so slightly. If it weren't for the word I saw there I would have thought it unremarkable, but there it hung, making this bold announcement to the world on a dented old pickup.

4GOTN

As I passed, curiosity got the best of me and I snuck a peek at the driver. He was a young guy, I'd guess not yet 25, hair buzzed, clothes too big and very dirty, tattoos gracing his sleeveless arm. He looked angry, like one of those punks on the cop shows who whip out a gun because they're scared and want to make a statement.

Except this kid made the statement with his license plate.

4GOTN

We've all known that feeling, haven't we? We feel it and maybe sigh. We brush it aside and go on with our day. But this kid felt it so strongly he paid to put it on his license plate.

4GOTN

It made me want to cry. This angry, tough-looking guy I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, reduced to five characters giving a glimpse of the struggling boy within.

4GOTN

How many people have I passed on any given day whose hearts bear the same message? I think of the efficient checker who rarely looks at the customers and carries a chip on her shoulder ensuring you don't ask. Is she feeling the same thing?

4GOTN

What about the woman who slips into church five minutes late, sits in the back and hightails it out of there before anyone can speak to her?

4GOTN

There's the young mother feeding the infant at 3:AM, so sleep deprived she can barely work the remote, doing her best to gear up for another day of sticky fingers and fighting toddlers. Or that person whose problem is too deep to articulate, who knows their spirit feels off and has prayed for God's deliverance only to land in the same funk again. There's the family who's suffered another layoff, wondering why.

4GOTN

It's me some days too, when the phone doesn't ring or my efforts seem unappreciated, when the plumbing's screwed up and the car won't start, when the words are hard to come by, or the pain of working through the junk feels too hard. It's the days when I'm tired of the busyness, or I don't know how we're gonna pay for everything, or I am all too aware and weary of my humanness. I, feeling like a member of the 4GOTN club ask, "Why does it have to be so hard, God?"

And God simply says, "It doesn't."

. . . My Presence will go with you and I will give you rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

. . . In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Weary?

Yes.

Troubled?

Yes.

Burdened?

Yes.

4GOTN?

Never.

When There Are No Answers

They ask tough questions, tears in their eyes. They desperately want an answer they can swallow, something, anything, to make sense of their pain, to relieve the burden of their mind.

Why does life have to be so hard?
Why does God keep saying no?
Why can't I be okay with His plan?
Why can't I trust?

I feel inept. I have no answers, no good advice, no beautiful soothing words or magic wand to wipe it all away. Life is hard. People hurt and God disappoints our earthly visions of how things should be. He doesn't always make sense, so how can I give a palatable solution? How can I explain God?

I can't. And I don't try.

Instead I listen, wondering if letting them vocalize their disappointment allows it out of their head. Like opening the valve on a pressure cooker, can speaking of it bring release? Once the words have escaped their mouths, can they rattle around in their brains any longer?

I hug, giving assurance in my touch that they aren't awful for doubting or questioning. When all else fails, I squeeze 'em tight, communicating without words.

And I pray, for peace, for endurance, for God to show Himself in a new way.

It doesn't seem like much, but it's what I have, so like the little boy with loaves and fish, I give it, trusting Him to use it. Humans don't have answers to God-sized questions, at least I don't. God's given me ears and arms instead.

Why Can't It Ever Be Good Enough?

People say I'm hard on myself.

I suppose it's true. The race I talked about last week was just a taste of how I struggle being satisfied with anything I've done. In my eyes, most everything I do is never quite good enough. If there's anybody who's ever done it better, then I think my efforts worthless.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with understanding who you are (and aren't), but it means I don't celebrate much. There's no satisfaction in reaching a goal, only a nagging thought that someone else could do it better. And while there's a benefit to continually wanting to improve yourself, it can get old to feel like you'll never arrive. So when the issue came up again at the race, I had to ask myself.

What is the matter with me?! Why can't I be happy with anything I do?

I've been reading The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee and finding some disturbing insight. McGee says most Christians mistakenly define their self worth this way:

Self Worth = Performance + Others' Opinions

I'm probably guilty of that, but here's the quote that really smacked me upside the head.

Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are . . . if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability.

Busted.

Why was the race so hard for me? I was one of the last to finish. I didn't feel my "performance" would be deemed respectable in the eyes of others. Why was I angry? I was doing my best and it wasn't good enough.

No wonder I'm frustrated so often. I'm looking for significance from an unstable, ever-changing source through people with differing opinions. My lack of satisfaction comes from trying to find my self worth apart from God.

Ouch.

Now to show good faith that I'm working on this, I must tell you that McGee also says this is a problem for all of humanity (not just me) ever since the Fall of man. When Adam and Eve took that fateful bite, our security and significance in God alone took a big hit. We will all struggle with this. Please tell me I'm not alone!

What is the antidote? How can we find our worth in Him alone?

We must learn what is TRUE. Only when we correct our faulty vision through the lens of His Word, will we gain right thinking and find our meaning. We will never be good enough. That's why we needed Jesus in the first place. And once we have Him, we don't have to be or do anything to prove ourselves. We may actually find it easier to live a life pleasing to Him because of the Holy Spirit within, guiding our every step.

God doesn't want us living defeated lives. His word speaks of victory and praise. I want to know triumphant living. I want to be free from performing and trying to prove my worth to others. I want to feel happy about something I've finished. I want to feel satisfaction and joy at a job well done.

I want to find my significance in God alone.


Photo Credit: eschipul

In Case You Doubt God's Love for You

Sing Anyway

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love.
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
and it makes my heart want to sing.

I look over the congregation and see smiling faces,
people truly praising God.

But I also see those who made themselves come,
whose hearts do not feel joy in this moment,
who are here because they don't know where else to turn,
and desperately want a touch from God.

God knows.
He sees.
He inhabits the praise of His people.
Relief resides in His presence.

So sing anyway friends.

Sing though your body is weary,
though your heart's not in it.
Let the tears come.
Feel His healing.

Sing anyway.

Remind yourself of grace and love
and mercy.
Remember what is true.
Let Him touch your drooping spirit.

Sing anyway.

Proclaim His name and see the devil flee.
Give a sacrifice of praise.
Show Him your love.

Sing anyway.

. . . it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God . . .

Psalm 73:16-17

Photo Credit: turbojoe

When the Task Seems Beyond You

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Deuteronomy 31:8

You can do it. You are not alone.



Photo Credit: cosmic_spanner

Blind Side Questions

We finally saw the movie everyone's been talking about. I understand its popularity. What a great story.

But it's true confession time on this blog again (surprise, surprise). I came away feeling more defeated than inspired (Let's blame it on hormones and a weary body, 'kay? That's my excuse for everything, huh?).

Sandra Bullock's character is so spunky and strong and knows how to get things done. She's a mother bear who makes sure her cubs get their due (and looks good doing it!). Me? Not so much. I'm the woman who sits back and wonders what God's doing in her kids' lives. I don't march in and tell anybody how to deal with my children or how to get through to them. Have I slighted them?

The impact this woman made on one young man's life is dramatic. I want to do that. I want to touch people. I want to help them be who God has created. I want to introduce them to a life in Him which exceeds everything the world has to offer. I want to make a difference and point others to an amazing, Almighty God.

And yet my efforts seem so small. I know God's economy differs from the world's, that He measures hearts not results, but how much is enough for God? Can a Christian ever rest?

I've always had a desire to do something great for God. I read a blog post this week by Smoochagator that has me examining my motives again. I've questioned for years if I'm truly trying to bring glory to God or only wanting to make a name for myself. I wish I knew the answer. I possess a very real fear of messing up this life. I don't want to miss out on what God wants me to accomplish. I don't want to meet Jesus face-to-face and have Him shake His head at me in disappointment. And yet this desire to be better and do more puts a tremendous burden on my shoulders. Is it self-imposed? Can pressure be from God?

People who know me tell me I AM accomplishing great things for God. Why is it not enough? Why must I always want more? Is God whispering to my soul or Satan taunting my ego?

How much is enough? Did Jesus not lay down His very life for us? Does He expect less from us? Where is the line between striving and resting in His grace?

Failing Snow Days

It snowed A LOT in my neck of the woods this week and our kids have been out of school two full days. Look closely at Ladies Man, Drama Queen and Miss Innocent One. Do you see the twinkle in their eyes? There's a reason for it. They've had far too much fun tormenting their parents!

Maybe I'm just getting old (don't you dare say ANYTHING), but the kids seemed so LOUD at home this week. I knew I was in for it when Miss Innocent One started playing the piano and Ladies Man got his trombone out to accompany her. Of course, we did this with the t.v. on full blast. Then there were the chases up and down the stairs, craft projects littering the living room, the mocking of their dad's choice of Christmas music, and wet boots and clothes strung out in the kitchen. They were having fun with each other, for which I am grateful, but they were so. . .LOUD!

I know, I'm a monster mother. I read all the beautiful sentiments other moms leave on Facebook about playing games, drinking hot cocoa, watching movies, making Christmas cookies and playing in the snow with their kids on our snow break, and the guilt creeps in. We only played one game and I yelled at them more than a few times to quit laying in the snow and scoop already. Yowsa, my mothering skills are an epic fail.

So I get a big fat F on my mother report card this week and feel like the grouchy old woman no one wants to visit. Pray for me, 'kay? Or maybe you should pray for them--they have to live with me!

Lord, help us all. I love 'em, really I do. I mean, look at them. What's not to love? Maybe I just need to buy earplugs. . .

Getting Doinked

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

A series of unfortunate events caused her bank account to dwindle. Doink. Every time she turned around another problem arose, some big, some very minor, all very irritating. Doink, doink. Though she was determined to press on, the annoyances kept coming, so much so that soon she wasn't even surprised anymore and started responding with a sigh and an "of course". She knew what was happening.

Some mornings she would awake with a jolt, as if someone had suddenly shaken her and panic swept through. DOINK! It was irrational, she knew. Guilt suggested it was probably disrespectful to God as well. Doink. The battle was exhausting and so disheartening, making her question herself and her value. Doink, doink, doink.

Yet there was no choice except to fight. Seeking after the Only Solution, she found Him faithful. He soothed the doink wounds and pulled her through. She took great comfort in knowing no matter how the thief may attack, her powerful God would use it to make her better. He would see her through the anxiety and at the same time produce strength and tenacity. He could make her soul full and rich despite, or maybe because of earthly adversities.

And so she sang,

Great is Thy faithfulness,
great is Thy faithfulness.
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided.
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

Can you praise your way through the doinks?

Be sure to visit Iris for more Thankful Thursday posts.

The dreary weather permeates my pores and seeps into my spirit. The rain reproduces the mud I think should have dried up by now. Puddles reflect things I'd rather forget so I tiptoe around them to avoid murky waters. Though I know something better lies beyond them, clouds prevent me from seeing clearly. The dark skies bid me to hide and I gratefully oblige.

But tomorrow is a new day. And though sometimes I wish for time to stand still, this day I am glad it marches on.

Thank You, Lord.

For more Thankful Thursday posts, visit Iris.

Answering the Call and Accepting the Charges

When I glanced down at the paper and noticed my "occupation" listed as HOMEMAKER, I was glad there was no mirror in the elevator so I didn't have to look at my screwed up face. I love my family, but I'm tired of being identified that way. I know it's not right, but I imagine the people typing in the information or the people reading the form are thinking HOMEMAKER is code for "loser without a job".

Maybe it got to me because I spent the day before feeling frustrated that I wasn't seen as important. When you're a HOMEMAKER, people don't ask you about your "job". They don't find it or you interesting and I find conversations are nearly always centered on someone else. Maybe I'm tired of living in the shadow of others or having everyone else's needs be more important than mine. (Boy, my self-centeredness is making its way front and center--ouch!) Maybe I'm tired of waiting for it to be my turn to shine (or worried it never will be). Or maybe I'm just feeling old (getting a mammogram and glasses in the same week will do that to ya). Most likely I am just plain tired and could use a nap for a good attitude adjustment.

I know the title HOMEMAKER doesn't begin to explain who I am and what I do, just as any title doesn't come close to describing the work of its holder. So I have to ask myself, what is my real problem?

I sat down and talked with God about it and He brought up this:

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10

I must have an ego problem. I want to be impressive. I want to be recognized. I want the praise of others.

But I want to be used by God more.

There is no room for arrogance and self-centeredness in His work. He knew I'd have a problem with it I guess, and so He gave me this HOMEMAKER gig. And I do like my life, very much. I just need to quit looking around and put my nose to the grindstone in what He's asked of me.

As for those who seemed to be important--whatever they were makes no difference to me; God does not judge by external appearance. . .
Galatians 2:6

I don't have a fancy title or impressive credentials, Lord, but I have You. I am secure in You. Forgive me for playing the comparison game. I don't have to prove myself. I am who I am, Your servant, Your child, Your chosen instrument for the jobs You give me.

By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. . .
1 Corinthians 15:10

Whispers

I've been wearing a cloak of sadness and fatigue for the last week and struggling to figure out why. After moping around in a store for half an hour I finally asked myself, "What is the matter with you, Tami? What do you have to be sad about?"

And though it wasn't audible, it was unmistakable and almost physically jarring, as if someone placed their hands on my shoulders to stop me from going any further. God said, "Satan's whispering in your ear."

What?

"You're listening to his lies."

Of course. Why hadn't I seen it before? I've been blaming it on other things--I'm tired, my hormones are out of whack, maybe I'm coming down with something--when what's really happening is I'm listening to Satan.

I get weary and Satan whispers in my ear, "It's not worth it. No one cares what you do."

I look in the mirror and he says, "Not good enough."

My husband wants to stay up later than I do and the devil suggests, "He doesn't love you like you love him."

Someone makes an insightful comment at Bible study and he taunts, "Oh, you missed that. You call yourself a leader?"

I have anxiety and he defeats me with, "You don't trust God."

My kids want to go out with friends and I hear, "They don't need you anymore."

I feel a little down and he tells me, "No one cares what you think. No one cares how you feel."

But God whispers too. When I stay connected to Him, when I take the feelings to Him, He's faithful to show me when I'm falling for the lines of the devil. God reminds me what is true. He put His words in writing.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me: even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is a light to you.
Psalm 139:7, 11-12

For more Thankful Thursday posts, visit Iris at Sting My Heart.

A Long Walk

Discouragement set in and she dug in her heels, determined to push through. Unable to shake it, she decided a long walk was in order. Taking advantage of her aloneness, she muttered all her questions aloud to God until she found herself regurgitating the same things over and over. Having no more to say, she listened, but heard nothing, so she kept walking and walking and walking, waiting for something, anything to address her conflicting emotions.

There were cats on porches, beautifully manicured lawns and dogs making their presence known. She heard the birds and noticed squirrels scurrying through trees. As her feet crunched over wilted leaves and gravel, it occurred to her.

Humans are the only element of creation that questions God.

Grass doesn't ask why it is green. Cats don't look for the meaning of hairballs. Mosquitoes don't wonder what their purpose is. Dirt doesn't ask God to make it more exciting.

Then she remembered the other unique quality of humans. They are created in the image of God. Does that mean He has a hard time understanding too? Suddenly God spoke.

Why don't you trust Me?
Why must you understand everything?
When will you realize there is more to My plan than you?
What more must I do to demonstrate my love for you?

And she fell silent.

"You asked,'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." -- Job 42:3



Photo Credit: ibeatty