Saturday, August 12, 2006

Rollercoaster Ride

My emotions have been all over the place this last week. I spent three days being so depressed and disappointed the tears would spill out with the slightest bump. Then came the big anniversary and I felt so happy and blessed. I wanted to be spontaneous and impulsive and completely irresponsible. Would you believe we seriously contemplated getting matching tattoos to commemorate the day? My husband being willing to do it was SO romantic. I was disappointed in myself that I didn't have the guts to go through with it. (Do I get any credit for giving us both temporary ones?) So there were two days of sheer joy in the gift of my marriage and being so happy I could hardly take it. Now I've had a few days of being sentimental and wistful and thinking about the passage of time and how it changes life.

Those of you who know me well are thinking, "So what's new?" I've always been this moody and this week is no exception. I've always considered it a flaw in myself. Aren't Christians supposed to be steady, even, able to handle the storms of life with strength and grace? Can I really be a rock if I switch from joy to tears in the same day? There are some days I feel things so deeply it seems like a burden. Why can't I roll with the punches without thinking about everything so much? Why does the slightest thing, a comment, a phone call, a song on the radio change my entire mood? These extreme emotional changes can't be a strength. I must have a lot of growing to do in my faith.

But this week it occurred to me that even though I'm all over the place emotionally I FEEL something every day. My life is not passing by unnoticed. I am not going through the motions. I am aware (admittedly, sometimes TOO aware) of significance in every single day. Though sometimes I think it's a curse, I am rarely bored. I can find joy in something as small as a cup of cappuccino on a quiet Saturday morning and even grief can be good, for I know I honor my dad's memory when tears come so easily. Both extremes assure me I am experiencing my life. I am living it and getting as much as I can out of it. Maybe my moodiness isn't all bad. Though it makes me feel weak much of the time, God promises me when I am weak, He is strong. I can deal with that.

Come on in, Lord. I'm an emotional weakling, but I thank You for it. It makes me conscious of my need for You. Turn my weakness into strength.

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