It's August 6th.
Did I get my miracle? No.
Am I disappointed? Very, very much.
Do I understand it? Not at all.
I'm sad. I've been looking for God all this week and last. I've been praying hard and waiting, waiting, waiting. It occurred to me yesterday that He may do the miracle in a different way than I might expect, so I stayed open for anything, expecting to see Him solve the problem any where, at any turn. But He didn't. Well, not yet at least.
I really didn't lose hope until I went to an anniversary party this afternoon. I felt the tears brimming the moment the song began:
"How can I say thanks for the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved, that You gave to prove Your love for me.
The voices of a million angels could not express my gratitude.
All that I am and ever hope to be, I owe it all to Thee."
"To God be the glory, to God be the glory,
to God be the glory for the things He has done.
With His blood He has saved us, with His power He has raised us,
to God be the glory for the things He has done."
We had that song sung at our wedding. Was He saying, "Tami, you've got your miracle. Why do you ask for more? Can't you be thankful for all I've done?"? It made me feel guilty and certain the miracle I wanted was not coming.
Then a couple came up to us, talking about a completely unrelated topic and the woman said out of the blue, "The Lord is in control. He's not always in our time frame, but He's always in control." I found myself mesmerized by her, as if it was only God and I in that room. And though I don't know her well, she gently patted my back as she walked by, like God adding, "It's okay. I've got it covered. TRUST ME."
I got home and checked my e-mail finding this in a forward from my aunt, "Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some time later..."
So God said no, but He didn't leave me hanging. He didn't forget me. He spoke very clearly.
I appreciate that and recognize He didn't have to give me indisputable confirmation of Himself. But tonight I can't sleep wondering, "Why, God? Why? Why couldn't it be yes? What do You want from me?"
He says, "Don't look to people to solve your problems. Look only to Me!" How I wish I knew what that meant. He whispers, "Trust me" and "Just wait". I'll try with everything I have, Lord. What other choice do I have?
"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!" (Isaiah 30:18)
I will wait for You, Lord, I will, but I need Your compassion tonight. This hurts.