He is near

I thought grieving was supposed to get better with time. Mine seems to get worse. This week marks ten months since my dad died of cancer. Everywhere I turn lately there are reminders. From working on a script to my daughter's birthday to choir rehearsal, images and conversations of Dad's last months keep popping into my head. In the last week I've felt bombarded with instances that bring him to mind. I listened to a woman describe her experience of watching her loved one slowly die after she decided to quit dialysis. As she talked about the family gathering around and the tough decisions needed, I remembered the day the technician came in to deactivate Dad's pacemaker so it wouldn't keep shocking him to keep him alive. The next evening a different woman relayed her recent experiences caring for her dying mother and I was transported back to that hospital room, witnessing him take his very last breaths. It's harvest time, Dad's favorite time of year. In fact, we always had a hard time celebrating his October 3rd birthday because he didn't want to get out of the field. And just today, my father-in-law, my son and my husband, having no idea what has been running through my head all week, each mentioned my dad in three separate instances. It was absolutely eerie.

All day I've been asking God why. Why is this so present now? I've been praying about what my next post should be and this is the only thing on my mind. So I've asked God today, Why does this matter to anyone else? What is the lesson? What is the point? I spent some time looking through my journals of last year, trying to remember how I was feeling. Do you know what I found? There was no panic. Uncertainty, yes, anxiety, yes, stress, yes, fear, some, PANIC, no. There was a sense of "Okay, God, I don't know where we're going with this. Be near." AND HE WAS!!

How else do you explain how life went on amid oncology visits and chemotherapy treatments and emergency trips to the hospital? Where did the opportunities come from to talk with Dad about things we had never discussed before? How could I host a birthday party for my son and before it was even over, watch my father die? Who else could find a way to make a 10-year-old think his grandfather's death occurring on his birthday was "COOL" ("My birthday on earth is Grandpa's birthday in heaven.")? How could I be in tears both before and after my father's funeral, yet speak with composure during it? I am no superwoman. I spend most of my days feeling very little. IT HAD TO BE GOD!

All of this coming to a head today, the day I had planned to make another post, makes me wonder if someone out there is facing something scary. Do you need to know you can do it? Do you need assurance that God will see you through it? You are not alone, my friend. Do not fear. Pray your little heart out. Hold on to the promises in His Word. Take a deep breath and move on in His strength.

Even though I've felt sad this week, it's okay. I'M OKAY. I am not alone. YOU are not alone.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:10,13)

Whoever you are out there going through a painful time, I am praying for you. I know from experience God is true to His word. He will never leave you. He will help you. He will give you what you need to get through each day as they come. Don't get ahead of yourself. Concentrate only on today. A year from now as you look back on this time in your life, you will see His hand clearly even if it is too close to see right now. He will be faithful. You CAN get through it. Last year at this time I was beginning a journey that would end in losing my father in a matter of months. Though it was hard, I would never trade those memories. In fact, some days I force myself to remember them. They are proof of an Almighty God who orchestrates our lives so much better than we could do ourselves. I am no more special to God than you are. He will do the same for you. Let Him. Let Him show you His strength, His love, His peace. Open yourself up to His comfort and promises. You will never regret it. Much love to you, my friend. May God be near.

Stupid Things I Said This Weekend I'd Like to Take Back

(In response to my husband saying, "I guess I'll have to do all the talking tonight.") "That won't be too hard."

"Don't make me feel stupid for the decisions I make. You've never been a mom. What do you know about it?"

"I really wish I had cleavage."

"You can't be tough if you love purple, can you?"

"Sounds like something a man would say."

"I guess it's okay if you spend the night. You will sleep, right?" (WRONG!)

Nearly everything I said to my mother-in-law on Sunday.

"My neck is too long."

(To my husband after he shaved off his moustache of twenty years) "I'm not sure I should kiss you. It feels like I'm cheating."

He really does see

The afternoon had been a whirlwind. I committed to arrange food for a woman in our Bible study who was caring for her dying mother. In between getting kids from school and dinner and thinking of a late night ahead with college kids, I raced around returning phone calls and e-mails, picking up food and whipping up a casserole. As I scurried around, I wondered why I didn't get the women's ministry at church to handle it. The food ministry exists for this very purpose. Well, I did know why I felt responsible. The woman was one of our own, one who always looks to the needs of others. I wanted to do it, yet on this particular day it seemed like too much. "I'm feeling very well used, God," I thought, "I hope it's all worth it."

Her husband greeted me in the driveway. "My savior," he said, "I get to eat tonight." We made small talk and discussed how things were going with his mother-in-law. Though I didn't know him well, he was forthcoming and honest. I was impressed.

I was nearly out the door when, as if reading my mind for the last hour and a half, he said deliberately, "Your kindness will be rewarded."

I was so shocked at what he said I wasn't sure how to respond. I'm not sure anyone has ever told me that before. I tried to make light of it. "It is no big deal. . .blah, blah, blah. . . People wanted to help. . .blah, um, uh" (Imagine a lot of stammering with a side dish of guilt!)

"No," he said, "it's a promise."

Gulp. Can you believe our God?! He got personal with me through a man I hardly know. He spoke to my heart when I needed assurance. He said, "I SEE."

"With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort." (1 Corinthians 15:58)

Every little thing we do to love others matters. It does not go unnoticed in His eyes. Whether another human being is ever aware of it, knowing God sees our efforts makes it worth doing. Isn't He something?

I wonder if there is a way to repay God's kindness. He didn't have to make sure I knew He saw my effort. Maybe I could show love to someone completely anonymously. I could be really sneaky and really nice without another sole knowing who had done it. It could be my special present for Him, a little secret only He and I share, a "Here you go, God. This one's for You." Sounds kind of fun, don't you think?

Resting in Him, A Mental Break?

There's always so much to think about and I can drive myself crazy doing so. Yesterday I decided I needed a break from it all. "Just stop thinking, Tami," I kept telling myself, "let your mind go blank." Apparently I need a little practice because it was no easy task. Then I remembered good ole Brother Lawrence and decided the best way to clear my mind was to focus only on God. I needed to rest in Him. I had the house all to myself so I thought it may actually be doable. I sat very still, closed my eyes and worked REALLY hard to think only of God. And failed miserably. I'm not sure I even made it a minute! The trouble is I would think of God and then start praying for someone which isn't focusing only on Him. My mind would wander and I'd bring it back.

Deep breath. Start again.

"Oh, God, thank You so much for all you have done for me."

Whoops! There I was again. Start over.

"Okay. Lord, You are all-knowing, in control, handling every detail of my life.

GRRR. I did it again. Maybe if I didn't think of His attributes, but Him and Him alone, I would do better.

Whew! I repeated this process over and over and over for at least thirty minutes. I have a whole new respect for the precious monk. If you haven't read his classic The Practice of the Presence of God, I highly recommend it. As for me, I'm going to keep working at it. I think if I ever get better focus, my perspective on life will improve. You think I'd walk around with a strange look of serenity on my face? I'm going for peaceful, not creepy.