Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Blind Side Questions

We finally saw the movie everyone's been talking about. I understand its popularity. What a great story.

But it's true confession time on this blog again (surprise, surprise). I came away feeling more defeated than inspired (Let's blame it on hormones and a weary body, 'kay? That's my excuse for everything, huh?).

Sandra Bullock's character is so spunky and strong and knows how to get things done. She's a mother bear who makes sure her cubs get their due (and looks good doing it!). Me? Not so much. I'm the woman who sits back and wonders what God's doing in her kids' lives. I don't march in and tell anybody how to deal with my children or how to get through to them. Have I slighted them?

The impact this woman made on one young man's life is dramatic. I want to do that. I want to touch people. I want to help them be who God has created. I want to introduce them to a life in Him which exceeds everything the world has to offer. I want to make a difference and point others to an amazing, Almighty God.

And yet my efforts seem so small. I know God's economy differs from the world's, that He measures hearts not results, but how much is enough for God? Can a Christian ever rest?

I've always had a desire to do something great for God. I read a blog post this week by Smoochagator that has me examining my motives again. I've questioned for years if I'm truly trying to bring glory to God or only wanting to make a name for myself. I wish I knew the answer. I possess a very real fear of messing up this life. I don't want to miss out on what God wants me to accomplish. I don't want to meet Jesus face-to-face and have Him shake His head at me in disappointment. And yet this desire to be better and do more puts a tremendous burden on my shoulders. Is it self-imposed? Can pressure be from God?

People who know me tell me I AM accomplishing great things for God. Why is it not enough? Why must I always want more? Is God whispering to my soul or Satan taunting my ego?

How much is enough? Did Jesus not lay down His very life for us? Does He expect less from us? Where is the line between striving and resting in His grace?


Rachelle said...

Wow Tami, you just left it there. All those questions, and not even an answer. As far as your children go, you've done a great job! You stand in their corner, I've seen it. As far as the other things you question, just keep doing what your doing. God will finish it, or take you somewhere else with it. Either way, He's proud of you.

Jaime Kubik said...

I feel your pain. I haven't seen the movie, but I feel like I fail my kids daily. How can I be the mother bear that loves them and gets them to walk the line? And as for doing great things for God, I struggle with that issue as well. Your words hit home with me and I got pretty much the same answer as you...none. Thank you for your honesty. As always, I loved it.

Mary Moss said...

Wow! Tami, I have been having a similar "inner conversation" over the past several weeks and months. Most days I receive no real answers either!

My ardent prayer is that it is in our asking, seeking, desiring for His will that God is pleased.

Thank you for your honesty--it ministers to me and to so many others whose lives you ARE impacting!

Blessings, dear sister.

Smoochagator said...

Oh, Tami, I can SO relate to how you're feeling! Remember, as I try to, that it's very rare that the people we admire are as pulled-together and fearless as we assume. God's faith heroes (Moses and Abraham, just to name a couple) were a messy, uncertain lot whom God used for mighty things in spite of their hesitance, fear, and sin.

Also, God didn't create you to be the woman you saw on the movie screen, he created you to be TAMI. He does not ask us to move mountains, but rather for faith in HIM so he can move mountains for us. The greatest commandment is to love him and our neighbor... so yes, I believe there is rest for each of us. So long as we are seeking God's heart, we can rest assured that we're doing exactly what he wants us to. And we can also rest assured that when we are distracted from his love and his will, he is able to work all things together for our good (Romans 8:28).

God bless!