Monday, February 11, 2013

Confessions from an Unexpected Wife

I never thought I would marry.

My history with boys told me this. It told me I was boring and undesirable and definitely not "hot." I watched my friends with their boyfriends and heard their stories. I listened to the guy I had a crush on all through high school tell me about his girl troubles, wishing he might see me as girlfriend material but being consistently overlooked. I fielded inquiries about my cute sister and saw every day how I lacked compared to her. I prayed for a husband. I hoped. But I really didn't see how it could happen.

But God did a miracle.

And I was thankful. I AM thankful.

I had my fairy tale wedding and settled into a whole new sense of "home" with my husband, a peacefulness I never imagined. But soon he disappointed me. He didn't do something the way I thought he should or didn't seem as excited to see me as I was to see him. I wasn't his whole world. I didn't understand his thinking. He didn't plan ahead, didn't worry about things I found important. I never woke to his adoring eyes staring at me. He barely got out of bed in time to say goodbye before he had to leave.

But I remembered he was my miracle, so I kept at it. I learned not every action was personal.

Kids came and with it a whole new joy and chaos we'd never experienced. He was off building his career, pursuing ministry projects which gave him energy and excitement while I felt isolated at home. Isolated is putting it kindly. To be honest, I felt stuck at home some days, stuck at home with sticky fingers and demanding little people and feeling forgotten. And lonely. And unappreciated.

But he was my miracle, so when I found myself taking out my frustrations on him, I admitted my feelings. It wasn't easy. It sounded selfish and petty and immature, but I made myself do it. He listened and responded, not always immediately, but in the days to come I'd realize I'd been heard.

It was easy to live separate lives, he consumed by work, me wrapped up in the kids, both bound by duty, pulled by others. Though we lived in the same house, some days I missed him terribly. No one ever told me marriage would require so much sacrifice and work. I found myself wanting to escape often, with or without him.

But he was my miracle and how do you tell God your miracle isn't quite right, not good enough? It had to be. He was a gift from God and good was there, VERY good was there if only I was patient and committed and willing to work. As I followed Sarah's example to do what was right and not give way to fear, as he listened to God's mandates to him as well, as we purposed to obey God separately, He pulled us closer to Him.

And to each other.

He is my miracle, but I've learned to worship God and not the gift, and though I'd like him to be mesmerized and find me irresistible, I'm really better off when he worships God too.

For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.

Matthew 18:20

Miracles can't happen without God. He's got to stay front and center in our relationship. He's got to be more important than either of us. The best way to hold onto my miracle is to follow the gracious God who gave it to me. Beauty comes only from His hand.

What unexpected lessons has marriage taught you?

Want to read more about marriage? Go to Chrysalis for more Marriage Monday posts.


Beth said...

Based upon the pictures you have on your blog, Tami, it's hard for me to believe you didn't have boys flocking to you back then as well. You are very pretty! And I love your heart in this post. You are right to believe in your husband and God to perform that miracle in your marriage. So many don't work at it and miss the miracle. Thanks for your vulnerability, but most of all for your perseverance!

Julie Arduini said...

What a great post, I love your transparency. I was the "smart one," so I definitely relate to what you say. I'm so glad God doesn't play by the world's rules. We are blessed!

e-Mom said...

I guess we all went through that isolated stage when our kids were small... I definitely keep that in mind, now that our daughter is knee deep in it all. Yes, it's very HARD.

Keeping our "attitude of gratitude" for the miracle of our marriages is so essential. You will be a fabulous role model for your kids, when they have families of their own.

Thanks as always, for linking up for Marriage Monday, TamiB.

Hugs, e-Mom

Denise said...

Nice post.

Faith said...

oh I just loved reading this. I felt the same way as you in my teen years. I was very closed due to being a survivor of sexual abuse but all i ever really longed for, hoped for, prayed for was a male to love me for who I was.....and be a friend first. and GOd answered that prayer. And then I had to learn to not look to Dave for my everlasting joy and deep love but to the Lord Jesus. And now....marriage is awesome because we are both living for the purposes and plans of His will. I enjoyed reading this very much as it reminded me to thank the Lord for my husband...a true answer to prayer ! :)