It just sits there on my brain. It sits there stirring without conclusion or coherency--an uneasiness, turmoil, a sense that God's trying to tell me something, but I can't quite comprehend it. I pray about it, of course, but no clear cut answers emerge. It's hard to talk about even, difficult to put into words. God's trying to teach me or prune me or free me . . . I'm not really sure, but it's uncomfortable and I want to get it, or rather, get over it.
It has something to do with pride and humility and comparison and resting and denying myself and getting rid of wrong notions and attitudes. Since I can't figure out what to do, I read, I pray, I wait. As I do so, He brings me this gem from a book (Deliver Us From Me-Ville), taken from John Wesley's Covenant Service.
Christ has many services to be done.
Some are more easy and honorable,
Others are more difficult and disgraceful.
Some are suitable to our inclinations and interests,
Others are contrary to both.
In some we may please Christ and please ourselves.
But then there are other works where we cannot please Christ
Except by denying ourselves.
It is necessary, therefore,
That we consider what it means to be a servant of Christ.
Let us, therefore, go to Christ, and pray:
Let me be your servant, under your command.
I will no longer be my own.
I will give up myself to your will in all things.
Be satisfied that Christ shall give me my place and work.
Lord, make me what you will.
I put myself fully into your hands;
Put me to doing, put me to suffering,
Let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you,
Let me be full, let me be empty,
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and with a willing heart give it all to your pleasure and disposal . . .
O mighty God, the Lord Omnipotent, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
You have now become my Covenant Friend.
And I, through your infinite grace, have become your covenant servant.
So be it.
The words touch me deeply. Have I not really given up all? Have my words been empty? Do I want to follow God wholeheartedly, even if it means losing who I want to be?
Is God telling me I need to surrender, truly surrender? Is He stirring the desire in me to be His covenant friend?
What is He saying to you?