Stirring

It just sits there on my brain. It sits there stirring without conclusion or coherency--an uneasiness, turmoil, a sense that God's trying to tell me something, but I can't quite comprehend it. I pray about it, of course, but no clear cut answers emerge. It's hard to talk about even, difficult to put into words. God's trying to teach me or prune me or free me . . . I'm not really sure, but it's uncomfortable and I want to get it, or rather, get over it.

It has something to do with pride and humility and comparison and resting and denying myself and getting rid of wrong notions and attitudes. Since I can't figure out what to do, I read, I pray, I wait. As I do so, He brings me this gem from a book (Deliver Us From Me-Ville), taken from John Wesley's Covenant Service.

Christ has many services to be done.
Some are more easy and honorable,
Others are more difficult and disgraceful.
Some are suitable to our inclinations and interests,
Others are contrary to both.
In some we may please Christ and please ourselves.
But then there are other works where we cannot please Christ
Except by denying ourselves.
It is necessary, therefore,
That we consider what it means to be a servant of Christ.
Let us, therefore, go to Christ, and pray:

Let me be your servant, under your command.
I will no longer be my own.
I will give up myself to your will in all things.
Be satisfied that Christ shall give me my place and work.
Lord, make me what you will.
I put myself fully into your hands;
Put me to doing, put me to suffering,
Let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you,
Let me be full, let me be empty,
Let me have all things, let me have nothing.
I freely and with a willing heart give it all to your pleasure and disposal . . .

O mighty God, the Lord Omnipotent, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit,
You have now become my Covenant Friend.
And I, through your infinite grace, have become your covenant servant.
So be it.

The words touch me deeply. Have I not really given up all? Have my words been empty? Do I want to follow God wholeheartedly, even if it means losing who I want to be?

Is God telling me I need to surrender, truly surrender? Is He stirring the desire in me to be His covenant friend?

What is He saying to you?

Only Getting By

My routine changes up each summer and I'm left feeling out of sorts for a few weeks. I blame it on trying to keep everyone busy, on always having a body in the house, on extra household chores with so many bodies around, but if I'm honest, I can't pin all my summer woes on others. When my daily routine changes, my time with God changes as well. I want to say summer makes it more difficult. Mornings are not the same with one kid going to work at 6:AM, another at 7:15 and the younger ones meandering around sometime after that. I can't get up early any more to find quiet time to myself and everyone's staying up later too. What's a girl to do to find some alone time?

But I've slacked. No one's tying my hands behind my back. No one's sitting on my Bible. No one's forcing me to stay in bed. And lately I've been disappointed in myself, seeing signs of my neglect in my thought process. I am preoccupied with the temporal. I dwell on myself. I am impatient with my kids. I dream of escape.

“Oh Lord, take Your plow to my fallowed ground
Let Your blade dig down to the soil of my soul
For I’ve become dry and dusty, Lord I know there must be
Richer earth lying below

For I’ve been living in Laodicea
And the fire that once burned bright, I’ve let it grow dim
And the very Word I swore that I would die for all has been forgotten
As the world’s become my friend”

Lyrics by Steve Camp
“Living in Laodicea”

I've asked God before to "dig into the soil of my soul," and wow, was it painful. I'm still recovering a few years later, yet I know without His cultivating, I will never be a masterpiece. Without His touch, I will not experience the best of life. Without Him steering my ship I will miss out on great adventures and amazing miracles. Though my heart is deceitful and I can never be sure of my motives, I want God's best more than the world, so I pray for His plowing. I pray for Him to make me more than I am now. I pray for motivation to abide with Him and perseverance to remain when Satan taunts and the world beckons. I pray in the words of David.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.

Psalm 51:10-12

Oh Lord, plow away. Make me more than me. Make me faithful and true and devoted. Make me worthy to be used.

See how others interpreted this quote by visiting our host, MiPa, at Miriam Pauline's Monologue.

A Prayer for Knowledge and Joy

Grant me, even me, my dearest Lord, to know Thee, and love Thee, and rejoice in Thee. And, if I cannot do these perfectly in this life, let me at least advance to higher degrees every day, till I can come to do them in perfection. Let the knowledge of Thee increase in me here, that it may be full hereafter. Let the love of Thee grow every day more and more here, that it may be perfect hereafter; that my joy may be great in itself, and full in Thee. I know, O God, that Thou art a God of truth; Oh, make good thy gracious promises to me, that my joy may be full. Amen.

Augustine of Hippo
taken from the Mosaic Bible, p. 196

Surrender and Peace

After our oldest moved away to college, I found myself living in anxiety. What if I didn't teach him everything he needed to know? Will he take care of things like he should? What if he fails? What if he doesn't grow up to be a productive adult? How will he make a way for himself? So many questions. So many fears.

It's been a year and a half now and you'd think it would have gotten better, but sadly, not so much. When I realized my fear indicated a lack of trust in God, I knew I was dealing with a spiritual problem.

True freedom from fear consists of totally resigning one’s life into the hands of the Lord.

David Wilkerson
Resigned into God’s Care
(on-line devotional)

I know this to be true in my head, but somehow my heart and stomach don't get the message. I think I've resigned my life into His hands, only to find myself stressing over my son again. It's not right or healthy.

I'm not trusting God.

My fear is not produced by my son's absence. It comes from my own spiritual downfall. How can I remedy the situation?

I admit it to God. I pray for my son. I pray for peace. And every time the fear sneaks up, I remind myself, "TRUST Him. TRUST Him. TRUST Him." The anxiety flees only briefly, so I must practice the surrender over and over and over. Eventually peace will replace worry, strength will take over my weak mama's heart, courage will overtake fear.

The process is not easy, but it is doable. Peace awaits me as I learn to surrender.

You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trust in you.

See what others think of this quote by visiting our host, Debbie, at Heart Choices.

Not just spinning my wheels

Running as if his life depended on it, the hamster went nuts on the little wire wheel, a rodent possessed. When his feet slipped, he regrouped and started up again. What was so compelling about it? Did he think he could reach something better? He just kept going and going and going. . .but getting no where.

I leaned my head close to the cage and whispered, "Hang in there, little guy. I know how you feel."

I've been running too--running the race, fighting the good fight, all that jazz. I've been striving and pressing on and persevering, all that important spiritual sounding stuff. Yet nothing I do seems big enough. If I run a little faster, maybe I'll get there. I tell God, I'm Your girl, God. I'm ready for something big.

But God says, What if this is all there is? Can you be happy with that?

What? Wait. . .no. . .You can't be serious.

What if this IS my big plan for you? Can you accept that?

But, Lord, these things that burn in my heart. . .what about those?

You mean your dreams?

Well. . .yeah. They can't be bad, can they? I want to use them to honor You.

Yes, that's nice and all, but would you be willing to give them up?

Why?

Just because I asked you to.

Wow, that's a tough one, Lord.

I know.

The hamster wheel squeaks and I remember the race, the sameness, the monotony.

You want me to do this forever?

I want you to do whatever I ask.

But it seems so meaningless, Lord.

Let me be the judge of that. The wheel is your exercise, remember? It's never for nothing. It's building your muscles, making you strong.

Yes. . .but sometimes it's exhausting, Lord.

I know.

Sometimes I don't think I can take another step. Am I really cut out for this world, Lord?

God inches in, close enough for the back of my neck to tingle and whispers gently, Trust Me.

My heart beats a little faster.

Trust Me.

I feel the need to kneel.

Trust Me.

What else can I do, Lord? I am Your servant. I love You above all.

With tears in my eyes, I get back on the wheel and keep moving, remembering that he who loves God obeys Him. May Your will be done, Lord.

Surrender

When I realized the latest guy I had fallen for was only being nice, I fell to my dorm room floor and cried for what seemed like forever. God had a way of slamming the door in my face when it came to men. I had always been afraid I would not find "true love." My experiences with the opposite sex fueled that fear. "Why, Lord," I asked, "I do it Your way. I only fall for the ones who love You. Why do You keep saying no? Will it ever be my turn?"

What if that's not what I want for you? Are you willing to accept that?

"But Your word says, 'Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.' You promised."

Do you love Me enough to give up that dream?

More tears. Lots and lots of tears.

"What choice do I have, Lord? How can I get along without You?"

Then trust Me.

I nearly cried myself to sleep on that hard floor, too weary to fight Him anymore. I reasoned with myself that if He created me, His plan would bring me the greatest happiness, whether it fit my dreams or not.

"Okay, Lord, You win. I give up. If You want me to be single, I'll be single."

A month later my future husband, who I had known for years, knocked on my door unexpectedly. The rest, as they say, is history.



Except that over twenty years later I sit again, not able to sleep, wondering what God is asking of me now. The desire is so similar--a certainty that God can do the impossible despite my feelings of insignificance, yet a continual slamming of the door as I get my hopes up. "What are we doing here, Lord?"

Be faithful to what I have given you.

"I'm trying to, Lord, and working hard to press on and be patient."

Then trust Me.

"I do, I really do. I just get distracted by the people around me and Satan dogs me at every turn. He really does a number on me sometimes, making me believe all sorts of things, confusing me until I'm not sure what to do anymore."

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.

Just like last time, I'm not sure I can really give it up, but I recognize I have no choice. His plan is perfect. Right thinking, correct action is made one choice at a time, so for today I choose to trust Him. I will give Him my desire to be used for His purposes, in His timing, not my own. I'll make the choice again tomorrow and the next day and the one after that until one day, the fulfillment of that desire may unexpectedly knock on my door.

And if it never does?

Have I really wasted my time trusting God? Have I missed anything by walking with Him, basking in His presence? No. I may feel disappointed, but I can take heart that this world is temporary and the one to come will bring something much better.

Press on, my friends. Waiting on God is win-win.



Photo:mayr