I discussed it with a couple of friends, who felt hurt by the words or actions of someone close to them. "What do you do with those feelings? How do you get rid of them?" we asked. "I know the Christian thing is to forgive and move on," one woman said, "but I just can't shake the feelings."
What do you do when you get your feelings hurt? Do you say something? Do you let it go? I've thought about it all week and wondered at the best way to handle it. I have asked God over and over again, "What am I supposed to do with the feelings?"
His response was not what I wanted to hear and will be even harder to put into practice, but here goes. . .I am not innocent. I have inadvertently hurt, no doubt, lots of people. How would I want them to react to me? Would I want them to stew about it and not let me off the hook?
Reject the "right" to be hurt. Maybe what they did or said was unjustified, but maybe there is an ounce of truth in it. This requires you to suck it up and make the other person more important. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3) Why are MY feelings most important? SHOULD my feelings be most important?
Have the humility to be hurt. "If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you." (Luke 6:29-31) If someone's going to be hurt, why NOT me? Should it be the other person instead? Is that a way to love others? It may not seem fair and we may not like it, but if we model Christ, we need to remember He chose to take our pain.
Don't assume anything. Don't assume the worst. Rarely is someone jabbing you on purpose. A hasty comment may be only that, words said before being thought out too well. I completely blow at this. I've got to quit making something of nothing. Being sensitive in this way totally exposes my pride. If I take things personally, I must think everything is about me, right? Oh, brother, Tami, get over yourself!
Forgive and forgive and forgive. Do I really need to quote the verse about 70 x 7? Enough said.
Trust the people you love to be honest with you and if you have doubts, have the courage to bring it up. I often waffle over whether I should tell someone when they've hurt me. I've decided most of the time it only serves to make ME feel better, not necessarily resolve the situation. However, if the hurt is damaging your relationship, maybe it is time to say something. In doing so, it is important not accuse and to admit your part in the problem. Once it is lovingly put out there, the big elephant can be taken out of the room. You can reconnect in honesty and move on.
Maybe we don't have to get rid of the feelings. Maybe we need to put them in the right place. Maybe we need to deny them. Maybe that is what humility is about, doing what is right despite how we are feeling.
I leave you with the scripture that has been bouncing around in my puny brain all week.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)
"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Colossians 3:12-14)
(Photo courtesy of jimfrazier at flickr.)
6 comments:
Wow Tami I've been there to! It's hard not to have hurt feelings. O r should I say allow my self to be hurt. Or take things to much to heart when maybe it wasn't meant that way. hen I'e also been the one to hurt others too!I must admit at times it was a titch on purposebut God convicted me of my wronginstantly, and the apology was forthcoming. I always enjoy your thopughts you keep me on my toes. Love Ya Lots!!!!!
Sorry about misspelled words . It's supposed to read Then I've also. Guess it's past my bedtime. You know I'm getting old. After all I'm half a hundred plus 2. God Bless you Tami. Thank you so much for the fun time Christmas eve. I enjoyed spending time with everyone. This Christmas wasn'st as lonely as all the others.
"Reject the "right" to be hurt."
that so puts the issue in perspective. When I'm hanging on and not wanting to let go, it's because I want to hold onto my RIGHT to be hurt. Wow...
"This requires you to suck it up and make the other person more important. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." (Philippians 2:3)
That verse has shown up several times this week... this really drove it home for me. And it needed to be.
"Why are MY feelings most important? SHOULD my feelings be most important?"
This statement really made me realize how selfish I have become in my every day life. You're so right. Why do I think it's all about me? As Charlie Brown would say, "Good grief!"
"Don't assume anything. Don't assume the worst."
Why do I always want to do that? It's good to stop yourself before you get on that downhill slide.
This post came at exactly the right time. I've been struggling with an issue just like this and not knowing what to do with my "feelings" about it. Now I have a much better idea. Thank you for your wisdom. Luv ya!
"You've always thought you have more faith than me. You've always thought you know the bible more than me. You think your better than me. You make me feel this big" she said pinching her finger and thumb together. The bitter words were spoken to me this week.
OUCH! I knew it is from God when I read this the next morning.
I wanted to lash out and set her straight. I was angry that she thought she knew what was in my head and heart. I apoligized, and I felt she should apologize for those hurtful words. Since then I have been going over and over the scene in my mind and praying.
I must face the reality that there is probably truth her words. Ovbiously, I have lived in a way that has caused her pain.
The worst part is knowing that the problem is caused by how I handle the word of God, what kind of witness I am and how fully I live the fruits of the spirit. What an indictment. How could I fail at what I value the most?
The conversation ended without resolution or understanding. I'm open to suggestions.
Dear Anonymous,
I was hit between the eyes this weekend with the realization that I continually disappoint people, good, Christian people, who expect different things from me. I know there is no way to please everyone, but I want to. When I meet the expectations of one friend, I let down another by being busy. And I'm really trying to make everyone happy!
I, too, wonder, how that affects my "witness". I have had two people at different times tell me essentially the same thing you were told last week, so I understand the hurt. At first I was upset thinking, "Why is it always my fault? It's not like they are perfect." Eventually I decided there was some truth to what they were saying, so I apologized for my part and left it.
As far as my witness and feeling like I messed up with the thing most important to me, I decided to chock it up to a lesson in humility and greater sensitivity and determined to stay in close contact with God. I can't please everyone, so I have to be led by the Spirit and trust Him to guide me in the right way to relate to others.
Besides, what is our alternative? What other choice do we have? I either follow Him or not, even when I feel burned. I continue in my walk, in what God has asked of me, whether people understand it or not. I have no other choice if I want to be obedient. My work comes in learning to be more compassionate and humble.
I love the way you put this:
"have the humility to be hurt".
Good stuff to chew on as I struggle so much in a black and white world to find the gray that is thriving!
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