Have a Heart

I just woke from a dream that has my heart feeling very heavy.

I dreamt my husband and I had to leave our children in a shelter over night. Apparently we were having a hard time with money and made them sleep there because we thought it would be better for them. The next day as I saw what conditions they were in, I was absolutely sick. The room was dingy and dark. My girls had slept on a hard platform with a bunch of other girls and my boys had sacked out wherever they could find a space. I imagined the older ones comforting the youngest as best they could and looking out for each other. I was horrified at how they must have felt--alone and insignificant and forgotten. Wracked with guilt, I gathered my kids around me and apologized through tears. I told them how sorry I was and how it would never happen again, how I would keep us all together no matter what.

And I woke up.

I think it's God's way of telling me to be compassionate. You see we have in a new chapter in the saga of that stinkin' house. We discovered yesterday our renters have cleared out. No explanation, no money (and they owe us a lot), but TONS of junk and garbage and well, let's just say it truly is a stinkin' house now.

But I'm not mad. I'm not questioning God. I couldn't even bring myself to leave a nasty message on her voicemail--"It looks like you've skipped town on us. . .Wow." (I am a force to be reckoned with, I tell you!) I'm definitely not looking forward to the massive cleaning job ahead and not sure what steps to take past that, but my dream reminds me sometimes people feel forced to make hard choices. Whether it is right or wrong, leaving us in the lurch was a desperate attempt to ease their family's burden. I can't imagine the stress and worry that accompany them every day. Even my eleven-year-old recognized it when he asked, "How could you live like that?" Granted, they have created some of it themselves by poor choices of the past, but realizing that doesn't take away the anxiety.

I'll never figure out God works and I can't come up with any reason why He would have put these people in our path or why He would allow them to do this to us when we have gone out of our way to be patient and merciful with them. But it's okay. God is teaching me to move on without the answers and you know how hard that is for me. Hey, progress! I am confident He is working.

There is one thing I wonder, though. Did I fail? Did I pass? How do you measure your faithfulness to a particular task like this? I have no control over the behavior of others, but I can learn how to make my own behavior more pleasing in His sight. The problem is I never knew God's purpose here. Did I say enough? Did we do the best for them? I tried my hardest to love them without strings and say things that weren't easy to say in hopes of helping them. She seemed to like talking to me, but I doubt she was always telling me the whole truth. It seems nothing was accomplished here. I know, don't say it--only God knows. I may have "planted a seed" and all that. Sigh. It's one more thing I'll have to leave in God's hands.

Tonight, as that helpless feeling I had in my dream lingers, I am compelled to pray for them. They have made a hard choice, perhaps in desperation, perhaps without thought to their actions. It doesn't really matter. What matters is there are three kids dependent on them, three kids needing to feel safe and be fed. Would you offer up a prayer on their behalf as well? We may not see results, but God doesn't ask for results. He asks for action.

Lord Jesus, may this family stumble across You in their running. Block their path until they recognize they can't flee from You. Heal them. Give them hope. Protect those children.

Thank you for your prayers, friends.


Photo Credit: brainsluice