He didn't even ask how I was feeling. He got up, took a shower and was gone. When the door shut I wanted to throw something at it, hoping he'd hear it and come running back in. But I didn't. I shoved the anger down letting self-pity replace it. How could he leave me with the kids when he knew I'd been sick? I'd never expect him to take care of little ones when he was feeling lousy. Even with me running a fever the extent of his sympathy was "maybe you should go to the doctor." I knew it was an especially busy week for him. I understood a lot of people were counting on him to get the job done. I knew how his mind worked one thing at a time. I knew if I made an issue of it, his stress level would only rise. He didn't need one more thing to worry about. He didn't have time for it.
But the worst of it is I never told him. He never knew how I felt. I let him do what he had to do, did what I could, and stuffed the resentment.
About six months later, a minor conflict became a major explosion and guess what came spewing forth? The guy didn't know what hit him! When the emotion subsided, real communication took place.
"Why didn't you say anything?" he asked.
"I didn't think I should have to. Besides, you couldn't really take off work that week."
"Maybe, maybe not, but you never gave me a chance."
Dang. He was right. We gave our apologies and learned two very important lessons.
For him, ask, even if she looks fine.
For me, don't assume anything and COMMUNICATE!!
I still have a hard time telling him when I'm angry with him. I'm working on it though, and I've made an important discovery. Every time I tell him things that are hard for me to spit out, he always responds in a positive way. I'm forcing myself to say something when I start to feel resentment creeping in. At the very least I've learned to huff up the attitude so there's no question I'm upset. He, on the other hand, is doing MUCH better than I (gotta admit that chaps my hide a little, but then again I am the recipient so I don't really lose). Since my dad became very ill and eventually died nearly two years ago, I don't think a day has gone by without him asking me, "You okay?"
Yep. We're okay and we're learning. Thank You, Lord.
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6 comments:
It sounds like your husband is a trustworthy listening ear... what a blessing, Tami!
Communication is SO important--and especially so for women. Our challenge is to learn to communicate in a respectful way. I've learned that my boiling emotions sometimes cause my innocent feelings to spew forth in a less than respectful manner. I've discoverd that it's my approach, not the feelings themselves that can be a turn-off to my husband. If I approach him as the solution to the problem, not the problem itself, he's really receptive, and offers the understanding and love I need. :~)
I, too, have a problem relating when I'm angry. Then it comes out when I least expect it. It's one of the things I've had to work most on in the 14+ years of my marriage.
Thanks for sharing!
Wow Tami,
I could have written this script exactly. This would be neat to share on my site one day.
I thank you for sharing from your heart. This is an awesome example of how to learn from our past.
Well done!
Such a great post! Yes, we've been learning the same lessons. Our biggest problems have come from each of us "stuffing" and then building up resentment and anger that gets totally out of control. It is SUCH a relief to realize we can deal with things in the moment and be real with each other. Sometimes we just need to remind each other that we're on the same side, we're not adversaries. Obvious, but just takes repeating every once in awhile!
That kind of sensitivity to each other's needs is a learned behavior. We are such selfish creatures most of the time!! Those small lessons learned can keep us from big conflicts! Thanks, Tami!
Ooohhh...Sounds kinda like my house! I have discovered with my husband, who loves sports--a world in which things are said and done direct and plan and then it's over--to think a little like him and just say it. State the facts and do what has to be done to improve the quality of the game! It's a healthy world he lives in!
My midwife once said to me that women tend to bury their needs because we've been wired to do that, to put ourselves last. We feel guilty about needing help. Once she made that an obvious fact, it was easier to deal with it.
Great post, thanks! God bless.
Thanks for stopping by Writing in Faith, too!
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