He lingers in my kitchen.
The house is full of people and he's patrolling a two year old, yet he chooses to snarf down a piece of cake in the room where I am. Conversation does not come easy. I try to ignore the silence, the elephant in the room, by staying busy, but that probably gives him the wrong impression and I kick myself around even as I do it. Though we grew up in the same house, we're ten years apart and I am continually surprised by the differing impressions we have. We have a hard time knowing what to say to each other. He doesn't understand me and I don't get him. I ask a few questions about his work, hoping I don't sound stupid if I ask the wrong thing.
I hate this, this awkwardness. Shouldn't I be able to talk easily with my brother? I carry with me a sense of failure. Is it my responsibility as the older sibling to build this relationship? How do I do that? I try to show I love him and be supportive, but I wonder if it is enough. Though he has always been respectful, I think he finds my faith fanatical and I'm afraid I've made him uncomfortable at times. That bothers me. A lot. Am I giving off some holier-than-thou vibe? Shouldn't he be drawn to Jesus in me, not made squirmy? Those of you in blogdom reading this, please, PLEASE don't start using words like "conviction" and "witness" and don't try to tell me the awkwardness is a good thing. It is no consolation when I turn off my brother.
But his lingering. . .it says a lot. He could be talking to any one of scores of people, yet here he is. In the kitchen. Alone. With me. I notice his effort and it makes me wonder if he feels the same way I do. Does he want a better relationship with me too?
I've loved and prayed for him my whole life. Lord, can You help us make this better?
7 comments:
I think your heart says everything here, Tami. I am learning to put aside my impressions of what I think things "should" look like, especially where certain relationships in my life are concerned, and just start from where they (the relationships) are. It's been very freeing, if that makes any sense. I will keep you in my prayers regarding this. Bless you!
A willing heart is a great place to start. How about if you try to think of something you have in common to talk about instead of the glaring diffences. The kids, your parents, and build a warm conversation there!
Your prayer says it all. God can change it. But it does take time.
At least he lingers. My brother (just a year different) is also distanced by my lifestyle (not my faith--we share that, but my independence and willingness to leave the home state). I don't have any idea how to reach out because he won't even be with me. Lingering is a good start. Talking about how great he is doing trailing the 2 year old is a start (not feeling you judging parenting might lead to feeling less judged other places). I'll be praying for the two of you. ((hugs))
Just a thought for all of you, especially when dealing with family. Don't try to evangelize, just love them and think of the words of Jesus. Mark 5:19 "Go home to your family and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." It is much different when I just naturally share how God has been merciful to me, rather than trying to sell them the gospel. I pray for natural opportunities to share the above principal, and beyond that, don't press it. They are unique in that they know the life we had before Christ, so they can see the path we are on as a result of our choices.
As the younger sister, I too find myself lingering at times. Even after all these years I hang around my brothers just hoping to find a fit into their world. My whole life I have sat back and observed them; wishing desparately to become something significant in their lives. Sometimes it works, yet sometimes they remind me that they still see me as their "fat, ugly sister who doesn't have a brain in her head". The only thing I desire from them is the opportunity to be looked at as an equal in this adult world; to know that my opinions could be respected and my heart not be mocked simply because it is sensitive. I love them and I know they love me too in their own wierd sort of way. But, sometimes I wish they wouldn't see me as their little sister anymore, but as a grown woman whose thoughts, deeds, and accomplishments are worthy of respecting. Maybe your brother just wants to be treated in the same manner you would treat another adult male you just came into contact with. Maybe the fact that you still see him as your little brother makes this more difficult for you. I guess my advice to you would be to mentally place him outside your family circle and see if you see him differently; see if you can find a new way to connect with him by observing him for the grown man that he is instead of your little brother. I will pray for you in this relationship. You share your heart so well, I can't imagine that he wouldn't be receptive to it. Denise R.
I was going to scroll down to post about your IOW (loved your unique take on the quote!) and read this entry.
Are you living my life? I felt for you just reading that. Will pray.
I don't have very much insight to offer on this, except to say that I crave a closer relationship as the younger sibling in my family. I often feel like I don't know what to say or do, and I think they don't most of the time either. But if we're both trying, I think that's the important thing. (Even if it comes out all wrong most of the time.) That's probably no help at all... just thought I'd share. :)
Post a Comment