Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Who Am I Supposed to Be?
I was a shy little girl, one who made my little sister buy our lunch tickets because I was too chicken to talk to the school secretary, the adolescent who ducked into the next aisle to avoid talking to my friends' parents, the young woman who stressed about speaking to customers in my first job as a grocery store clerk.
And now as an adult, God has placed me in a very public position. I regularly reveal my thoughts and weaknesses as a Bible study leader. I open myself up BIG TIME on this blog. Many Sundays I stand before hundreds of people on my church's worship team, on display, exposed, left wondering if I measure up, feeling as small as I did in my little girl days. When I close my eyes to praise God and shut out the crowd, I ask Him what I'm supposed to be. How am I to handle the attention that comes my way? I ask what He sees in me that very moment, vulnerable to the eyes of so many.
He says I am the shy little girl others have never known, the woman spending many hours alone, persistently banging out words on a computer, or studying for the next lesson. I am intimate moments with friends, sleepless nights, struggles with my kids, tears and joy and pain. I am my failures, my battles, my soft spots, my improvements, my every effort. Though my fellow congregants see only my best attempts to look nice on a Sunday morning, God looks past my public persona. He sees ALL of me, who I really am.
Somehow that takes the pressure off. I don't have to be any more on a Sunday morning than I am right now, alone in my office typing away. Who I am is not dependent on the impressions others have of me. Their view is very small. God's is all-encompassing. The person I'm supposed to be is everything I've ever been, following God's leading each day.
Does thinking of it this way take the pressure off of you? Does it empower you as it does me? How does it affect your view of yourself?