Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Who Am I Supposed to Be?

I was a shy little girl, one who made my little sister buy our lunch tickets because I was too chicken to talk to the school secretary, the adolescent who ducked into the next aisle to avoid talking to my friends' parents, the young woman who stressed about speaking to customers in my first job as a grocery store clerk.

And now as an adult, God has placed me in a very public position. I regularly reveal my thoughts and weaknesses as a Bible study leader. I open myself up BIG TIME on this blog. Many Sundays I stand before hundreds of people on my church's worship team, on display, exposed, left wondering if I measure up, feeling as small as I did in my little girl days. When I close my eyes to praise God and shut out the crowd, I ask Him what I'm supposed to be. How am I to handle the attention that comes my way? I ask what He sees in me that very moment, vulnerable to the eyes of so many.

He says I am the shy little girl others have never known, the woman spending many hours alone, persistently banging out words on a computer, or studying for the next lesson. I am intimate moments with friends, sleepless nights, struggles with my kids, tears and joy and pain. I am my failures, my battles, my soft spots, my improvements, my every effort. Though my fellow congregants see only my best attempts to look nice on a Sunday morning, God looks past my public persona. He sees ALL of me, who I really am.

Somehow that takes the pressure off. I don't have to be any more on a Sunday morning than I am right now, alone in my office typing away. Who I am is not dependent on the impressions others have of me. Their view is very small. God's is all-encompassing. The person I'm supposed to be is everything I've ever been, following God's leading each day.

Does thinking of it this way take the pressure off of you? Does it empower you as it does me? How does it affect your view of yourself?


dianne said...

Good thoughts, Tami. I struggle with this constantly. Enough so that it keeps me off the radar in most situations. I still panic when I find myself needing to be "out there" in any way. Not thrilled with this way of living but I haven't seemed to find a better way yet. I wonder how imagining what God sees might make a difference. Something to ponder today. Thanks!

jimdaniel said...

I understand how that feels. Check out this bible site:

Tami Boesiger said...

Dianne--There is no mistake in you. God sees all of you, not the shy woman. You are more than that. You are everything you've ever been all wrapped up in one package. Like I said in the post, once I realized I don't have to be anything more than the woman alone on the keyboard, even in social situations, I felt the pressure lessen. I also like to think of Psalm 27:1, "The LORD is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?"