Who Really Knows Me?

As a kid I watched my sister, the witty, fun extrovert, charm her way into the hearts of many and wished I could be like her. People joked with her, enjoyed her, sought her out. While I sat in the corner. Taking it all in.

At some point, I realized by hiding myself I didn't give people a reason to care. Slowly I started opening up--to individuals, at Bible study, in small groups of friends, on this blog. It didn't take long to see the more vulnerable I made myself, the more people cared, the more they asked how I was doing or told me they were praying. Being willing to share a bit of what went on in my heart and head (especially the ugly stuff) cleared the way to a whole new world of relationships.

It's been exciting and freeing. People seem genuinely happy to see me. Sometimes they even seek me out. Kind words buoy me. I'm held up in prayer. Taking risks is worth it. I finally understand my own insecurities have held me back from experiencing meaningful relationships. Now I know to push through for the prize of friendship.

But there are times, no matter how personal I get with others, no matter how much I let people in, it becomes apparent I'm not known as well as I thought. An offhand comment leaves me wondering. I realize I haven't met someone's expectations. Criticism meant to sharpen me still smarts. Harsh words burrow deep. A joke hits too close to home.

I feel defeated and think, "Do they know me at all?"

When those thoughts creep in and doubt hovers, God whispers sweetly in my ear.

I know you. I delight in you. I love you.

And I'm so thankful, for a God who sees, who recognizes my human flaws and loves me in spite of them. I'm thankful He knows exactly where I've come from, what my motives are and where we're headed.

O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Psalm 139:1-5

Being known by the living God brings strength and confidence to keep putting myself out there. It means I have no need to justify myself or live up to varying standards of people around me. There is no need to explain myself. In Him, I can be me.

And be treasured, flaws and all.

The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalm 27:1

Walk on in confidence, my friends, knowing your God sees who you are. He created you for a specific reason. He knows you. He values you. You make Him smile.



Photo Credit: RejiK

Who Am I Supposed to Be?

I was a shy little girl, one who made my little sister buy our lunch tickets because I was too chicken to talk to the school secretary, the adolescent who ducked into the next aisle to avoid talking to my friends' parents, the young woman who stressed about speaking to customers in my first job as a grocery store clerk.

And now as an adult, God has placed me in a very public position. I regularly reveal my thoughts and weaknesses as a Bible study leader. I open myself up BIG TIME on this blog. Many Sundays I stand before hundreds of people on my church's worship team, on display, exposed, left wondering if I measure up, feeling as small as I did in my little girl days. When I close my eyes to praise God and shut out the crowd, I ask Him what I'm supposed to be. How am I to handle the attention that comes my way? I ask what He sees in me that very moment, vulnerable to the eyes of so many.

He says I am the shy little girl others have never known, the woman spending many hours alone, persistently banging out words on a computer, or studying for the next lesson. I am intimate moments with friends, sleepless nights, struggles with my kids, tears and joy and pain. I am my failures, my battles, my soft spots, my improvements, my every effort. Though my fellow congregants see only my best attempts to look nice on a Sunday morning, God looks past my public persona. He sees ALL of me, who I really am.

Somehow that takes the pressure off. I don't have to be any more on a Sunday morning than I am right now, alone in my office typing away. Who I am is not dependent on the impressions others have of me. Their view is very small. God's is all-encompassing. The person I'm supposed to be is everything I've ever been, following God's leading each day.

Does thinking of it this way take the pressure off of you? Does it empower you as it does me? How does it affect your view of yourself?

Why Can't It Ever Be Good Enough?

People say I'm hard on myself.

I suppose it's true. The race I talked about last week was just a taste of how I struggle being satisfied with anything I've done. In my eyes, most everything I do is never quite good enough. If there's anybody who's ever done it better, then I think my efforts worthless.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with understanding who you are (and aren't), but it means I don't celebrate much. There's no satisfaction in reaching a goal, only a nagging thought that someone else could do it better. And while there's a benefit to continually wanting to improve yourself, it can get old to feel like you'll never arrive. So when the issue came up again at the race, I had to ask myself.

What is the matter with me?! Why can't I be happy with anything I do?

I've been reading The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee and finding some disturbing insight. McGee says most Christians mistakenly define their self worth this way:

Self Worth = Performance + Others' Opinions

I'm probably guilty of that, but here's the quote that really smacked me upside the head.

Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are . . . if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability.

Busted.

Why was the race so hard for me? I was one of the last to finish. I didn't feel my "performance" would be deemed respectable in the eyes of others. Why was I angry? I was doing my best and it wasn't good enough.

No wonder I'm frustrated so often. I'm looking for significance from an unstable, ever-changing source through people with differing opinions. My lack of satisfaction comes from trying to find my self worth apart from God.

Ouch.

Now to show good faith that I'm working on this, I must tell you that McGee also says this is a problem for all of humanity (not just me) ever since the Fall of man. When Adam and Eve took that fateful bite, our security and significance in God alone took a big hit. We will all struggle with this. Please tell me I'm not alone!

What is the antidote? How can we find our worth in Him alone?

We must learn what is TRUE. Only when we correct our faulty vision through the lens of His Word, will we gain right thinking and find our meaning. We will never be good enough. That's why we needed Jesus in the first place. And once we have Him, we don't have to be or do anything to prove ourselves. We may actually find it easier to live a life pleasing to Him because of the Holy Spirit within, guiding our every step.

God doesn't want us living defeated lives. His word speaks of victory and praise. I want to know triumphant living. I want to be free from performing and trying to prove my worth to others. I want to feel happy about something I've finished. I want to feel satisfaction and joy at a job well done.

I want to find my significance in God alone.


Photo Credit: eschipul

Feeling Used

I'm feeling used.

Unexpected visits or phone calls, impromptu decisions of my own, and regularly scheduled activities fill my days. I'm going from 5:30 in the morning to at least 10:30 at night with little down time. Just as I scratch something off my "to do" list, next week's work requires it to go back on. It never ends. There's always something to do!

But in all the hubbub, I find moments of laughter, of beauty. My mind and spirit are stirred, making me feel fully engaged. In the busyness are opportunities which frighten me, and though I fear messing them up, I've come to recognize the thrill in my inadequacies. If I can't do it, and God asks me to, then He's going to have to step in, providing me with a front row seat to His work.

Sometimes I doubt my significance, my importance. I have no fancy title, no paycheck, nothing that this world values as impressive or noteworthy. But as I'm faithful to complete what God puts before me, as I continue to "go in" and give it my best shot, I feel His power. His POWER! I've sat in rooms with lots of people or only one person or completely alone and sensed His guiding touch. As I am faithful to perform the tasks in my path, no matter how unworthy the world finds them, there is validation and excitement.

I'm feeling used.

And loving it!

What is before you this day, my friend? Do it to the best of your ability. Look for His supernatural strength to guide you in your tasks. Let yourself be used.

And feel the thrill.

A Prescription for Confidence

It was a lovely scene, my nine-year-old niece (let's call her Sweet Cheeks) getting a phone call from her dad. She talked to him easily, answering his questions and relating her day, then hung up with a smile.

Me: Your dad must miss you.

Sweet Cheeks: Yeah, he probably does. He loves me very much. I'm his favorite kid. (She has three older brothers.)

Me: How can you tell?

Sweet Cheeks: He just loves talking to me and loves me very, very much.

She wasn't bragging or showing off, but said it very matter-of-factly as if everyone knew it to be true. I marveled at the confidence in a nine-year-old girl certain her daddy loved her. What a gift he's given her, one that will no doubt influence her entire life.

And I wondered. Can a little girl who hasn't had that kind of relationship with her father find it in a heavenly One? Is it possible for little girls with broken hearts and damaged lives to find confidence and security in a Father they cannot see or touch?

My niece has grown up talking with her dad, hearing his words and believing them. Can we cultivate the same kind of relationship with our heavenly Father by following her example? If I talk with God often and believe what He says as truth, can I share her stability?

Is confidence and security the byproduct of an active prayer life and faith in God's Word?

Scripture would say yes.

He sent forth his word and healed them. . .

Psalm 107:20

Our hurts can be healed by His Word, but only if we believe it. I can't say I had the same confidence as my niece when I was nine or even twenty-nine, but it's getting better. The more I talk with my Father and believe His Word (is this where we falter, in our inability to believe?), the greater sense of security I carry with me. Maybe by the time I'm forty-nine I'll have a handle on it.

So here's to knowing we are loved very, very much by our heavenly Father and a few verses to practice believing.

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

. . . I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.

Jeremiah 31:3

Talk to Him. Believe Him. Let yourself bloom.