IS the grass greener on the other side?

My husband and I spent the last weekend by ourselves. With our older kids on a missions trip and our younger kids at my mom's, we enjoyed a few days of uninterrupted conversations, thinking only of our own agenda. No bickering, no noise, no spontaneous hoots or smacks on table (you've really got to stop that, Keygan!), no cooking, no laundry, no concern about time. We slept VERY late, ate WAY too much and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

But here's the funny thing. I missed my kids. I missed the way Keeli pats my back when she walks by me on the computer. I missed Kelsi's knowing glances, catching the drift of what's REALLY going on. I missed Keygan's goofy, "Hey, Mom!" and Tanner's shy way of sneaking up for a hug. It seems not a week goes by where I don't long for more time to myself and more quiet, yet when I get it, I see it is overrated. Life is not greener on the other side. My kids aren't hampering my style, they are enriching it.

It's got me wondering this morning if wishing for something different makes us miss the blessings of TODAY. Getting the quiet I so longed for this weekend was bittersweet. I slept better, but I missed a lot of hugs and Keeli's gentle kisses. It was nice having to get only myself ready and out the door for church, but I felt old sitting there without any kids. My house may have been quiet, but it didn't have the life it normally has. So today, when things get tense at my house I'm going to look for the blessings, look for what I would miss if I would wish for something different.

What would you miss out on if you wished for something different?

Breaks

I sat on my back porch yesterday morning and listened to the rain gently falling. The quiet and the coolness were such a welcome relief from the heat wave we've been having. It was such a nice break from the stress of life, a break from insurance quotes and mortgages and laundry and bickering kids and messy rooms and projects that never seem to get done.

Later I enjoyed lunch with a friend and our whole gang stayed up until 1:AM reveling in the company of another family. As I went to bed, the same thought came to me. What a nice break.

But what if I'm looking at it all wrong? What if it's the other way around? What if the stresses of this world are the real "break"? Am I letting the BUSINESS of life break me away from the JOYS of my life? My existence does not consist of tasks and bills and appointments. Why do I let it be defined that way?

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10)

It's a good trick, don't you think? The devil's got us all thinking backwards. I know it will take some practice, but today I'm going to view the good things in life as my life. The "breaks" will be the things that stress me out and I'll try not to take too many of those. I want to ENJOY my life.

Three Women

Each of them holds a special place in my heart. All three of them are committed wholeheartedly to God, reaching people and impacting lives. I sincerely value and respect their thoughts and opinions. I consider every one of them marked by God, destined to hear the words, "Well done, good and faithful servant." Yet all three, like me, doubt themselves.

One said this week, "I don't think I ever do things right or good enough."

This from a woman who is perfect in everyone's eyes.

The other two both told me separately, "I'm so afraid I'll mess things up."

When I asked each of them why, both replies had to do with knowing themselves well enough to know how possible it is. I understand their sentiments completely. No matter what anyone else thinks of me, I know who I am. I know my faults and weaknesses all too well. I know how I fail. But why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we consistently beat ourselves up? What good does it do? What can we do to fight these feelings?

My three women needed someone to say, "Hey, you're doing great. You matter. All your work is important. God sees every effort that no one else does. You are truly beautiful just the way you are." They needed someone in their corner, helping them see the bright spots Satan was trying to hide.

Do you know people who need a shot in the arm to keep going? Don't stand idly by and watch your friends fight the battle alone. Tell them what you see, how you see God working in them. Be their cheerleader, pumping them up for the next round. We have a responsibility to one another. Have you ever longed for the kind words of a friend to get you going or to notice your struggle? Be that friend. It makes all the difference in the world to people. It did to me this week. (Thanks, Rachelle!)

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." (Proverbs 16:24)

I don't know how my three women are today, but I told each of them what I see. I pray they are standing taller, with a song flowing through their heads, able to face the day head on and fulfill God's plans. I pray He has removed Satan's blinders. Now, you go do your part. Heal someone's bones today. Take the time to build them up.

Short-sighted

I've been worrying about money AGAIN. It seems our monthly expenses keep going up. It's nothing new, but it gets so tiresome. I woke up feeling depressed about it today and asked, "Lord, we work so hard to do things for You and it seems we never get ahead. Why do we always have to worry about money?" (Whenever I ask Him this He always answers, "You don't. Let me." I'm getting better. Practice, practice, practice. UGH! Do you think it would all go away if I actually learned this lesson?)

I went to church and heard about farm families in our community getting hit by hail and a woman whose family has had MORE than their share of health problems having to go to Mayo Clinic and felt guilty for being a whiny baby again. These people's losses were so much greater. Thinking about the problems of those around me made me a little weepy. Why does this life have to be so hard? I don't get it, Lord.

I know I can't see the big picture and I'm not supposed to. If I could see it all I wouldn't have to trust God. I wouldn't grow in my faith. I get that, but I don't necessarily like it.

Our pastor preached on Deuteronomy 10:12-13 and asked us to examine whether we truly obey God in every area of our lives. Nothing blatantly sinful came to mind, but I still asked God, "What don't I obey?"

I got a resounding, "DO NOT FEAR."

Yowsa. It's all over the Bible, over and over and over. And yet I still fear. Why do I worry? I'm afraid.

I wish I had eternal eyes. I wish I would always remember "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthians 4:17) God, in His mercy, is providing me opportunities to learn. I need to embrace the tough times. Through them, I will learn not to fear.

Forgive me, Lord, for wishing away growth. My "problems" are proof You are still working on me. Thank you for Your graciousness. Forgive my short-sightedness.

Was it a "good" day?

My day is coming to a close. The house is finally quiet. Aaaah. It is my favorite time of day. I've always wondered if that is a bad thing. The Bible talks about being children of the light and the day, not children of the darkness. I know these are metaphors for good and evil and evil usually lurks in the darkness, but the darkness is so peaceful to me. At night I can really think. No more running around, no more appointments or phone calls or tasks or decisions. I give myself permission to rest. And I savor the quiet. I fear one day I will be an old grouchy woman who can't stand any amount of noise. (I don't dare say this around my kids--they probably think I'm already there!)

And so in the quiet of this evening I wonder what came of this day? How can I judge it? More importantly, how will God judge it? Did I further His kingdom today? Did I make Him smile or shake His head? I was both kind and critical, giving and selfish, busy and wasteful with my time. I got in the pool with the kids this afternoon, but got angry with them tonight. I ate too much junk and didn't pray enough for others. I was attentive and distant, accommodating and guarded.

What makes one day better than another? Do we measure our success by our level of happiness? Do we measure it by how we persevered in the trials of life? Can we say it was a good day if our good deeds outnumber the bad? What does God think is a "good day"? My mind is tired. Can you tell?

I'm going to bed now. I'm going to lay there very still and listen to the silence hum. GOOD night.

When We Are Weak, Then He is Strong

The familiar voice said, "Can you call me right back at this number?" I was spooked immediately. She was supposed to be at my house and the number she gave me was not in our area code. When I called back, I didn't recognize the man who answered or understand a word he said, but was connected with her shortly. She was exhausted, upset and lonely, and hours away. She was safe and had to stay put, but sounded so scared. "What do I tell her?" I thought, "How can I possibly help hundreds of miles away?" My heart was hurting, wanting to make her nightmare go away, but knowing I couldn't.

"How can God be in this?" she asked choking back the tears.

Dead silence. I had nothing. My heart was pounding so hard, I felt a little shaky. Words seemed empty. I wished I could grab her tight and just cry with her. She needed more than that. She needed assurance. She needed hope. She needed to know how God could make things right again. I felt so inadequate.

There was only one thing to do. I prayed with her, right over the phone, but the prayer did not come easily. I didn't understand any more than she did what God was doing with this situation. (I told Him so too.) I asked Him to give her hope and peace and guidance and rest and blubbered all the things running through my mind. I asked Him to give her no doubt of His presence with her. The prayer ended and it was silent again. Where could I go from there?

I didn't have any great words of wisdom, so I asked a lot of questions instead. I thought about hanging up the phone and road tripping to get to her, but suddenly it seemed the circumstances surrounding her stay there were no mistake. Our prayer had brought me direction. There was a reason she was so far away. It was as if God was requiring her to walk through this valley alone. As gut-wrenching as that was, I couldn't override God.

"I have to go now," she said, not sounding much better.

"It's no mistake," I whispered, "there's a reason. You hang onto that."

She sniffed and said "bye" in a shaky voice.

I hung up the phone and lost it as quietly as I could (There were a few people in the next room).

The good news? (Yes, there is some!) She made it through to the other side. It's a long road and it will be tough, but she made it through this valley.

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145: 13b,14,18)

We had a pool party this afternoon, although there wasn't much pool involved. It was little too cold and sprinkled off and on, so they mostly played inside. When we went to take the guests home, my daughter, preoccupied with getting every last word from her friend, didn't watch where she was going and banged her head in the doorway. I decided a pack of frozen vegetables would be an easy thing to take with us in the van, but the one I grabbed was a little squishy--not a good sign. I felt around the freezer. The buns were thawing and the hamburger I put in earlier was not rock hard yet, but the ice cream was still in solid form. The good news is I just cleaned out the freezer in our basement last week, so it was ready to be packed, but you can't freeze everything. My husband's playing at a wedding and it's Saturday night. I don't have a lot of options. (Do you suppose this means I'm out of cooking until Monday? DARN!)

The kids are restless, playing some kind of chase game around the house which involves screaming. One's playing the piano, one's practicing his trap set. The oven is timer is beeping and every time I am nearly finished with a coherent thought I hear, "MOM?!" We've had lots of commotion all day and now the refrigerator isn't working right. "Calgon, take me away!!" Even my white noise CD isn't drowning it all out. But here's the weird thing--for some strange reason, I feel pretty peaceful. I'm not worried. I'm not yelling at the kids. I'm still breathing fairly normal. (What happened to the real Tami?!)

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Have I finally learned to "fix my eyes" on the right thing? Have I had enough of these kind of days that I can actually roll with it calmly? Can you believe it?! I think I may have learned something! Who'd have thunk it?! My house will settle down. It may be a few hours, or a few minutes (we'll be eating soon!), but I know it will get better. This will not last.

He said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

And then He did it. Smooth move, Lord!

Getting Older

I've noticed this summer that the consistency of the skin on my arms and hands and feet has changed. If you apply pressure in just the right place on my arms they look a little like my knees which I noticed a few years ago in the shower are becoming (GASP) wrinkly. The skin on my upper arms seems a little more flappy lately too. On my last birthday I decided it was a losing battle trying to pluck out the gray hairs in my head, but I still do it. Somehow I feel better if the most obvious ones around my face are gone. It's probably a very good thing I can't see the back of my head. I'd never leave the bathroom.

It's got me thinking about the whole purpose of aging. What is God thinking? We've all watched loved ones age and felt a twinge of sadness at what is lost in that process--the energy, the vitality. And it's happening to all of us. (Aren't I cheery today?!) We are all working our way toward old age and fewer capabilities. What kind of system is that? What is the purpose? I suppose you could compare it to the whole teen/parent relationship. I've heard it said the reason the teen years are so tumultuous in families is so everyone can be ready for the next step of separation. Parents and their kids get so sick of each other they are ready to live apart. Adolescence is supposed to soften the blow of moving on. I wonder if the aging process is the same kind of thing. As we age, we get tired of our old bodies and the challenges they give us. We become ready to move on to heaven. It makes us long for it all the more. It makes sense, but does it make you like it any more?

It's not all bad getting older. I really like how much wiser I feel. (Keep in mind this is a feeling and not necessarily fact.) I understand so much more that only life could have taught me. I would never go back to any other age. I like myself better and am more comfortable in my relationships and life than ever before. I enjoy that part of becoming mature.

But here's my problem with aging. I've never felt I was "good enough" physically and now I'm wondering if the image I've been striving for is possible. I'm getting older. What if this is as good as it gets? Can I live with that? I know I don't have much choice. Is there a positive spin I could put on getting older?

Maybe there's another perk in my advancing years. It could actually be freeing coming to grips with my imperfections and physical limitations. Taking the focus off my outside may create a calmer inside which will reveal true beauty, "the unfading beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:4) I always understood my heart was more important than my body, but it didn't stop me from wanting cleavage. Maybe releasing myself from the burden of beauty as I age will make me more beautiful than ever. If that's the case, getting older could be a blessing after all.