"Throughout the history of God's people as given to us in the Bible, we see that life is a test. We have before us the option to trust God "no matter what," or to walk away from Him. To walk away from God is to leave the fragments of our dreams in pieces on the floor, but to trust Him is to let God pick up the pieces and make us whole again. When we choose to let Him make us whole again, he will make our lives more beautiful than before."
~ "What I Learned from God While Quilting" by Ruth McHaney Danner & Cristine Bolley~
Even before I shut the door on him, I knew he was only being nice. There was never going to be any more to this relationship than a decent guy being gracious to a shy, self-conscious girl.
I went to my room, shut the door, fell to the floor and cried. And cried. And cried.
"What am I doing wrong, Lord? I always pick the good guys, the ones who love you. Why is it they are never truly interested in me? What are you saying? Why do you keep slamming this door in my face? Are you saying you want me to be single?"
More tears. More silence.
"I don't want to be single, Lord. You know what's in my heart. Please. Don't ask me to do this. You know what I long for. How can you ask me to stay single? And if you do, how can I go against your plan for me and be happy? There is no choice here really, is there? I give it up. I have to give it up. If you want me to stay single, I'll do it. Make me okay with it. Change the desires of my heart."
I laid on the cold floor a long time, until my body was all cried out, until I was so exhausted I nearly fell asleep. I crawled into my bed, fully clothed and whispered, "I give it up, Lord. Just make me happy with it."
About a month later, a guy I knew from high school started dropping by. We had dinner together a few times and hung out occasionally, but I didn't call him my boyfriend. I gave up hope for that. This was just a guy I could really talk to. Our dinners turned into late nights in deep conversation. Our hanging out became more frequent and soon people were asking.
"We're just friends," I would answer adamantly.
But it wasn't long before my friend started taking my hand as we walked on campus or sat at a movie. And saying good bye became awkward, so much so that we set some ground rules (which lasted about a month). Before I even realized what happened, I had fallen in love.
In making me concentrate on a friendship instead of a relationship, God gave me a deeper, more lasting connection. He gave me more than a boyfriend. He gave me a mate, one that has been by my side for over twenty-one years, one who loves me better than I ever imagined.
When I think back to that night on the floor, I often wonder if this relationship would have happened without the willingness to let my desires go. Did my heart need to be broken so He could stitch the pieces of my life together better than I could have done myself?
And if the answer is yes. . .
Is it possible we all miss out on beauty in our lives because we're holding on too tight to our own wants?
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