Feelings

It was a nice evening, great food, good conversation, yet as we left our friends, I felt uneasy, sad, disappointed in myself. I didn't like the person I was there. The words that came out of my mouth displayed the condition of my heart lately--cynical, whiny, ungrateful, discouraged, even distrustful.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm having a crisis of faith (most likely I just think about things far too much). The stresses of life suck the daylights out of me and I feel so puny, so weak. Something unpleasant happens and I take it as God humbling me, of putting me in my place. Maybe I've been reading too much in the Old Testament and my brain is stuck on God's wrath instead of His grace. I pray and I study my Bible, but don't really expect God to answer because He doesn't work in ways I comprehend. I wish I could have big eyes waiting for God to do His miracle. Instead I use my energy ignoring doubts.

I confess this to my husband, the man who listens to my over analyzed droning over and over, yet still maintains attention and sensitivity and patience (God help him.).

"Is there something wrong with me if I feel like this?" I ask, "Is this a symptom of a bigger faith issue?"

He knows how I obsess over thoughts, how my mind dwells on the negative until my self-berating kicks in. He knows how many nights my brain has trouble shutting down, how hard it is for me to let things go.

"Having feelings is not the same as living by feelings," he says calmly, "You might not feel great, but it hasn't stopped you from following God."

His gentle words didn't question my faith, but pointed out an important fact.

A feeling is not a belief.

I may feel like God's not hearing my prayers, but I know that isn't true. I may feel a little beat up, but I know God's not doing the beating. I may wish for something different, but I know He works all things for good.

Having feelings is not the same as living by feelings.

My husband is right, of course. Because I get so caught up in my feelings, I forget (how, I don't know) that they pass. In obsessing about my emotional state, I may create a problem that isn't there.

Do your feelings get the best of you? Do you dwell on your mood and miss what is true? Do negative or conflicting thoughts distract you from your faith?

Fight your feelings by doing what is right, whether you feel like it or not. God is not upset with our feelings, but how we respond to them. When Cain was mad at God because He didn't accept his offering, God told him this.

If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.

Genesis 4:7

Do you see it? No condemnation for feeling angry, only an admonition to do what is right.

Having feelings is not the same as living by feelings.

My husband taught me it's okay to feel yucky. What's important is how I act on it. Do I do what is right? Do I fill my mind with Truth? Or do I react according to my feelings and let sin crouch at my door?

What will you do with your feelings?

God is God

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."
In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.
~ Job 1:21b-22 ~

God is God.

That's what Job is really saying here.

God is God.

And as such, He is entitled to do whatever He deems necessary for His purposes to prevail. Good. Bad. Ugly. Difficult. Unexpected. If we worship God, we worship Him in ALL His work, not only the acts we like.

God is God.

Most of the time I can handle that, just letting God be God, but honestly there are times I don't get how He functions. There's the story of Jephthah in Judges 11 where he vows to the Lord, "If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph . . . will be the Lord's, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering." God gives Jephthah victory, but the first thing out of his house to greet him is his daughter, HIS ONLY CHILD. Jephthah stays true to his vow and kills her. Why would God require that?! Why did one slip up take away Moses's chance to enter the Promised Land? Why would God choose Jacob the deceiver over Esau the eldest?

God is God.

Why does God have mercy on whom He wants to have mercy and harden those He wants to harden? Why does He choose some and not others? Why did He draw me to Himself?

I don't understand. I can't explain it. Is it because I can't fathom the greatness of God? If I truly grasped His immense power would I even pose the questions? Is it my arrogance which doubts His judgment? Do I not see clearly because of His gracious dealing with me, holding back His might? Has His self-control babied me? Has my life been too cushy to recognize His sovereignty?

God is God.

I may not understand it. I may not even like it sometimes. But if I can't accept His authority He's not my God. He's just another person in my life. When I try to explain Him, I put Him on a peer level, not in a position of worship.

God is God. He won't be reduced to anything less, no matter what we think. Our acceptance is irrelevant.

God is God.

Join our host Miriam Pauline at MiPa's Monologue for more impressions of this quote.

For the Others

As a little girl, she prayed for a miracle.

As a teenager, she prayed for a miracle.

She grew up and prayed and prayed for a miracle.

And then one day, after decades of sincere, belief-filled pleas, God answered her with a resounding "No."

Her world came crashing in for a while, as much for the sadness of what was lost as for her great disappointment in God. He could do it if He wanted. She knew He was capable. She had faith and believed above all odds He would.

But He didn't.

She scoured her Bible for answers. She read of Job and how He praised God for the good and the bad. She came to realize God is under no obligation to explain Himself. Slowly, very slowly, she came to accept His "No". What else could she do?

Life went on and she learned to live without her miracle. God blessed her in many other ways and their relationship grew. Then suddenly, when the pain no longer plagued her and she had long ago reconciled herself to God's plan, without warning came His explanation for her YEARS of hurt and disappointment.

It is for the others.

You had to know the hurt to identify with them, urge them along and show them the hope which comes only from Me. The answer had to be "No" so I could use your pain for them.

The knowledge overwhelmed her. It made sense. Her life had come full circle. He truly did make all things work together for good. He saw and He knew and it was all part of His divine plan. She understood it all, yet felt so sad. It didn't seem quite fair. She knew many would not see it. People would be stubborn and find ways to dismiss it. They would never realize the price she paid for the long shot they might see His Truth.

And then she remembered Jesus.

I have only asked from you what I've been willing to give Myself. Your pain was not wasted.

Had He hurt too as He watched her struggle to understand? Had He worried about what she may think of Him? Had He weeped alongside her all these years thinking, "Just hang on. You'll get it one day. It will be worth it."?


Could YOUR pain be for the sake of the others? Is there any better way to love?

He makes ALL things work together for good.

The pain is not wasted.

The value in our suffering comes when it is used for the sake of others.

Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

John 15:13

"Throughout the history of God's people as given to us in the Bible, we see that life is a test. We have before us the option to trust God "no matter what," or to walk away from Him. To walk away from God is to leave the fragments of our dreams in pieces on the floor, but to trust Him is to let God pick up the pieces and make us whole again. When we choose to let Him make us whole again, he will make our lives more beautiful than before."

~ "What I Learned from God While Quilting" by Ruth McHaney Danner & Cristine Bolley~

Even before I shut the door on him, I knew he was only being nice. There was never going to be any more to this relationship than a decent guy being gracious to a shy, self-conscious girl.

I went to my room, shut the door, fell to the floor and cried. And cried. And cried.

"What am I doing wrong, Lord? I always pick the good guys, the ones who love you. Why is it they are never truly interested in me? What are you saying? Why do you keep slamming this door in my face? Are you saying you want me to be single?"

More tears. More silence.

"I don't want to be single, Lord. You know what's in my heart. Please. Don't ask me to do this. You know what I long for. How can you ask me to stay single? And if you do, how can I go against your plan for me and be happy? There is no choice here really, is there? I give it up. I have to give it up. If you want me to stay single, I'll do it. Make me okay with it. Change the desires of my heart."

I laid on the cold floor a long time, until my body was all cried out, until I was so exhausted I nearly fell asleep. I crawled into my bed, fully clothed and whispered, "I give it up, Lord. Just make me happy with it."

About a month later, a guy I knew from high school started dropping by. We had dinner together a few times and hung out occasionally, but I didn't call him my boyfriend. I gave up hope for that. This was just a guy I could really talk to. Our dinners turned into late nights in deep conversation. Our hanging out became more frequent and soon people were asking.

"We're just friends," I would answer adamantly.

But it wasn't long before my friend started taking my hand as we walked on campus or sat at a movie. And saying good bye became awkward, so much so that we set some ground rules (which lasted about a month). Before I even realized what happened, I had fallen in love.

In making me concentrate on a friendship instead of a relationship, God gave me a deeper, more lasting connection. He gave me more than a boyfriend. He gave me a mate, one that has been by my side for over twenty-one years, one who loves me better than I ever imagined.

When I think back to that night on the floor, I often wonder if this relationship would have happened without the willingness to let my desires go. Did my heart need to be broken so He could stitch the pieces of my life together better than I could have done myself?

And if the answer is yes. . .

Is it possible we all miss out on beauty in our lives because we're holding on too tight to our own wants?



Visit Nina at Waiting*For*Grace for more In "Other" Words.

No Coincidence

We tried to wait to tell them until the next day, but circumstances and respect for our children required us to spill the news sooner.

"I don't know how to tell you this guys," my weary voice cracked, "but Grandpa died tonight."

We consoled each other for a while and finally the question I hoped wouldn't be thought of until later came out.

"You mean," my younger son said, "he died on my birthday?"

I had prayed all week God would help my dad hang on until after this day, yet it wasn't His plan. I was pretty broken up about it. I didn't want my son's birthday forever carrying the shadow of his grandfather's death. But it was out of my control.

Before breaking the news to our kids, I talked with a very wise woman, one who has been my dear friend since sitting on the bench in freshman volleyball, one who I may not talk with for months, but always pick up easily with, my forever friend. She tells me she is usually not so lucid at the time I called her that night, yet God used her despite her sleepiness. She told me, "Really, if you think about it, it's kind of neat . Your dad's birthday in heaven is the same as your son's on earth." Hmmm. Weird, I thought, especially since this son bears my father's name.

So when the question came, "You mean he died on my birthday?" I had a ready answer. And when I gave it, a light went on in his eyes.

"Hey, that's cool," he said, "I'm going to tell my friends at school that one." And he did. He forever has a special connection with Grandpa, one that goes beyond sharing a name. He has never forgotten it and neither will anyone he tells about it.

Now, two years later, I am still a bit sad about it, that anticipating my son's birthday brings up tough memories of a very difficult week. Oh, I'm thankful for the need to suck it up and celebrate instead of dwelling on the past and its pain, but I wonder what God was thinking. Of all days, why THIS day?

I know this is one of those things I won't get an answer to, at least not one other than Because I said so. And He can say that. He IS God. This is yet another time I am forced to accept God's plan without understanding it. I'm not crazy about that, but there's nothing I can do. If I love God, and I do, I have to accept it with thanks. So today, on my son's birthday and the anniversary of my father's death, I thank God for turning what could seem like a curse into a blessing for my son. And I am thankful His plan is not dependent on my understanding.

A Long Walk

Discouragement set in and she dug in her heels, determined to push through. Unable to shake it, she decided a long walk was in order. Taking advantage of her aloneness, she muttered all her questions aloud to God until she found herself regurgitating the same things over and over. Having no more to say, she listened, but heard nothing, so she kept walking and walking and walking, waiting for something, anything to address her conflicting emotions.

There were cats on porches, beautifully manicured lawns and dogs making their presence known. She heard the birds and noticed squirrels scurrying through trees. As her feet crunched over wilted leaves and gravel, it occurred to her.

Humans are the only element of creation that questions God.

Grass doesn't ask why it is green. Cats don't look for the meaning of hairballs. Mosquitoes don't wonder what their purpose is. Dirt doesn't ask God to make it more exciting.

Then she remembered the other unique quality of humans. They are created in the image of God. Does that mean He has a hard time understanding too? Suddenly God spoke.

Why don't you trust Me?
Why must you understand everything?
When will you realize there is more to My plan than you?
What more must I do to demonstrate my love for you?

And she fell silent.

"You asked,'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know." -- Job 42:3



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