Steps to Connection: Humility

You know that awkward feeling you have when you see someone you recognize from somewhere, but you can't remember where and their name is absent from your consciousness? Or some person who doesn't look at all familiar calls you by name and you know there's an expectation attached you'll never meet? If you're like me you're tempted to dodge them and the embarrassment, but the unpleasantness returns every time you run into them.

There's only one thing to do. Swallow your pride and admit the truth.

It happened to me once as I was walking the track early one morning, my head lost in who knows what kind of thought, when suddenly a lady behind me said, "I enjoyed your song in church yesterday." I turned to see a woman I swear I had never seen before.

"You were in my church yesterday?" I asked.

"Well, yes, I've been going there for two years now."

Yeah. Ouch.

Well, what's a person to do? There was no place to hide. It was me and her and empty, uneasy silence, so I owned up to it.

"I'm sorry. I don't think I've ever met you," I said. Proper introductions were given and instantly I had one less person to avoid. Whew.

Because my husband is our worship pastor and I am up front on Sunday mornings, these kinds of things happen to me often. There are a lot of people in church who know who I am, but I have never met, people who look at me knowingly and leave me feeling completely inept. But once I admit to my lack of knowledge or memory, once I let myself lose face, once I humble myself, I can move past the awkwardness.

If we truly desire to be connected to others, it will require us to swallow our pride at times. But it's worth it because then we won't feel uncomfortable around people. We won't give the impression we're better than others by not speaking to them (Sadly, I think I've been guilty of this too many times.). When I'm humble enough to reveal my inadequacies, it opens the door to relationships.

You can do it too. Really, you can. Give it a shot. Make a connection by being humble.



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations
Be Yourself
Take a Risk
Assume the Best
Sacrifice

Steps to Connection: Sacrifice

I'm only on #3 of the 37 things on my to do list when the thought pops into my head. You should give her a call. And though I begrudgingly heed the Spirit's nudging, I find I am the one blessed by the interaction that takes place.

We haven't gotten together in a while and my week is slammed, but I find an evening to spend with her. Though I nearly cancel, I am glad I didn't when our evening turns into a refreshing and healing oasis for my tired soul.

Connecting takes time. Time spent cultivating relationships is time away from some other aspect of life. An investment will be required, but investments pay off in the long run.

Connecting with others involves sacrifice. Something will be required of me. It may mean my living room doesn't get vacuumed or I don't get another chapter read or I have to stay up later to finish my Bible study lesson. Often it means I do more listening than talking. If someone invites me over and has made a beautiful dessert I'll have to sacrifice my diet plan (Are you buying that?). In an effort to work around my family, I've met friends for breakfast, giving up valuable "beauty" rest my aging body needs more and more.

The principle applies to group interactions as well. I can't tell you the number of times I've wanted to blow off an event I've been invited to or miss a rehearsal or Bible study for no good reason other than I didn't feel like going. But experience has taught me I may miss out on something if I do. I may miss the chance to get to know someone better, to understand what makes a girl tick, to make a new friend. One of the most meaningful, bonding, God-showing-up experiences I've ever had happened on a night I wanted to skip because I had a headache.

Sacrificing for the sake of relationships is rarely convenient or timely or easy. That's why it's called a sacrifice! But worth it? Absolutely.

What are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of connection?



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations
Be Yourself
Take a Risk
Assume the Best

Steps to Connection: Assume the Best

It's too easy to get my panties in a wad.

I over think things. I go over conversations in my head and wonder what her words really meant. When I make a special effort to approach someone and she's short with me, seeming annoyed or preoccupied, I think she doesn't like me. If an individual doesn't return my phone calls, I wonder why she's mad at me. When I get a serious look in Bible study, I conclude the other party disagrees. If she avoids me at Walmart, she must hate me.

Sheesh. Why do I assume every response has something to do with me?

How does someone who wants to build relationships with others handle these sorts of situations?

A true friend gives the benefit of the doubt and doesn't take it personally. Maybe her head hurt or she had a hard day at work. Could she be struggling with hormones? Perhaps her kids have been especially taxing or she's having a problem with her mother. There's a thousand reasons the response is NOT about me. Really. I take myself too seriously. Brother.

People with strong ties assume the best about each other. They show grace and understanding even when they don't feel it. They draw others to themselves by withholding judgment. They allow others to have bad days without affecting the relationship. They put people at ease, thereby providing opportunities for real connection.

Assume the best. It sounds simple, yet takes practice to apply. I know. Old habits die hard. But I'm working on it. I've realized it's not just a matter of what we say either. Assuming the best must encompass our attitude as well or it shows. If we're not in it all the way, we're not in it at all.

What do you think? How could your relationships be enhanced by assuming the best?



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations
Be Yourself
Take a Risk

Steps to Connection: Take a Risk

She's obviously upset. My heart wants to ask, but my head says I don't know her that well. Will she take offense? Does she want to be left alone? Will she think I'm butting in? Or does she need a friend? What if I say the wrong thing? It would be easy to ignore her, to assume she wouldn't want me to interfere. But what if no one responds? Does she walk away feeling unimportant, unnoticed, unloved?

It's a tough call, uncomfortable and sometimes heart-pounding, because it's risky. What do I say? How will it be taken? What good can I do when I don't really know her?

But part of connecting with others is showing empathy and though everything in me screams to look the other way, if I am committed to building relationships, I can't. For me, my soft side usually wins out in these sorts of situations. My heart can't take seeing someone suffer, so I take a deep breath, feel my pulse throbbing in my throat, and ask.

I find the good responses FAR outweigh the bad. Most of the time people appreciate someone caring enough to ask. They don't expect magic words to solve their problems. A sincere hug may be comfort enough. Knowing someone noticed may be all a person needs to feel loved. Often a new relationship begins as well.

Once I did what felt risky with a woman from Bible study, the whole time feeling as though my heart were going to pop out of my chest. But taking that risk began a wonderful relationship for me. The woman became a dear friend who encourages and challenges me, who makes me better than I was before. I hate to imagine what I would have missed out on had I stayed safe that day. It was SO worth the initial anxiety and discomfort. SO worth it.

I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know. But won't you try it for yourself? What wonderful relationship is ready to bloom for you if you're willing take a risk?



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations
Be Yourself

Steps to Connection: Be Yourself

I'm an introvert. Some of you may find it hard to believe, but it's true. As a child I was shy. I rarely made my presence known, challenged the rules or rocked the boat. I spent a lot of time observing conversations, imagining what it was like to be someone else. I suppose I formed opinions in those years too, but I rarely vocalized them. Most of the thoughts I knocked around in my head were questions anyway, questions I was afraid revealed my naivete.

But as I got older and braver, I opened up. I asked the questions, I shared the opinions, I engaged in conversations and an interesting thing happened. People seemed to like the thoughts running around in my puny brain. Some even appreciated them because they could relate. When I followed a bunny trail of my obsessive thought process out loud, people smiled. When I'd admit I didn't understand or had a difficult time, others nodded their head and said, "Yeah, me too." Giving glimpses of myself encouraged others to do the same, joining us together. The more I let my true self out, the more I felt loved.

And known.

Even the qualities people tease me about have garnered appreciation. Friends give me a bad time about overanalyzing, but I'm often asked what I think about things. One woman enjoys my confessions of wanting to be a rebel and though I may be mistaken, I see a little twinkle in her eye telling me a lot about her as well, linking us in unspoken understanding. I've been accused of having a "death stare" when I intently listen to people which used to bother me until I discovered it compelled people to spill their guts to me, freeing them from the burdens they carry.

I tell people if they really want to get to know me, they should read this blog. I've exposed myself plenty. I've admitted I'd love to have a secret tattoo. I've let my moodiness be clearly seen. I've revealed I find sex one of God's best ideas (yep, I really said it). I've made you privy to private conversations, thoughts and impressions. I've confessed to hating churchy lingo and words like "balance" and "witness." Yet in baring my soul I've kept and increased readers, even those who don't agree. How is this possible? Do my readers appreciate me being me, not a cookie cutter representation of a Christian woman? I like to think it gives them permission to do the same, to be who they are, whether they fit some prescribed mode of spirituality or not.

And there it is. Did you catch it? Being ourselves gives others permission to do the same, allowing true connection to take place. We all have distinct traits and ideas. When we hide them by trying to fit in, we deprive others of those elements that make us unique and endearing. We need to let the delightful, quirky parts of us shine.

I always appreciate a person who is willing to be who they are. I feel honored, trusted, when someone doesn't hold back. I want to know what you really think, not what you think I want to hear. I want to see the fire in your eyes as you discuss something you are passionate about. I want to know you're feeling depressed or hormonal or your teenagers are making you crazy (please don't let me think I'm the only one). When we share our true selves, even the parts we find a little ugly, we find kindred spirits to help us push through. If we hide ourselves, we wallow alone. The sooner we are able to be who we are, the sooner real connection can take place.



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations

Steps to Connection: Expectations

It's easy for me to connect with people initially. I am exposed to lots of like-minded women in Bible study and fun-loving women in the Creative Arts ministry at our church. Finding people I'd love to spend more time with and get to know better is simple. There are a lot of fascinating people on this earth, you know?!

But time is limited. I still have a family. I still have responsibilities (and I STILL HAVE MESSY CLOSETS! ARG!). I would love to do lunch and coffee with people every day, but the reality is I can't. I'm afraid I've disappointed a lot of people. I don't mean to, but I'm human. I mess up. I'm not perfect (gasp!).

I find the people I have the best connections with are those who are patient with me, those who don't lay high expectations on me or my time, those who love me even if I forget their birthday or don't return their phone call right away, those people who greet me the same way whether we've seen each other or not, those who don't hold me to a faultless standard I cannot achieve. My most satisfying relationships believe the best about me and simply love me, no matter what I do or don't do, flaws and all.

If that's what I desire in relationships, I need to be willing to do the same for others. I can't take it personally if a friend cancels because they're swamped at home. I shouldn't assume she's mad at me if I don't hear from her for a week. I shouldn't read too much into it if she seems grouchy or short on the phone. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt and realize she has bad days and hormones which wreak havoc on her just like mine do.

I deepen my relationships by having no expectations on friends' behavior, by giving them the freedom to be honest with me when they don't have it in them to meet, by giving others the confidence they can't disappoint me and don't have to be anything for me. I don't base our relationship on how much time we spend together, but on a commitment to love them. Loving them means making the relationship easy to maintain and expecting nothing.

Can I ask you some tough questions? What kind of expectations are you projecting on your relationships? How are they making a connection with you difficult?

I am not meaning to point any fingers or make anyone feel bad. Believe me, I've spent a lot of time working through my own answers to these questions and it wasn't always pretty. But if we are serious about forming real connections with others, I think we have to face up to the fact that our expectations can drive people away from us.

A good way to cultivate lasting relationships is to provide a soil of commitment and faithfulness, being diligent to weed out our expectations which often choke the blooms of connection.



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability

Related link:
When Words Don't Come Easy

Steps to Connection: Availability

I found connecting super easy when we led a Bible study for college kids. Really. All I had to do was open the door. They came with plenty of good, juicy topics to discuss, and the juicier the topic, the better we bonded (Word to the wise: If you're not willing to talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, don't attempt to hook up with college kids.). All I had to do was sit down in my favorite chair in the living room and let the games begin. No skill involved whatsoever. Fun, fun times. (Miss you, girls!)

Contrast that with my difficulty when we first moved to our community. I am naturally an introverted, shy person. Meeting people was a skill I had to learn, one which did not come without some personal discomfort. Our first years here, I found myself using my young children as a crutch. Instead of chatting with people at the conclusion of church, I'd rush back to the nursery and take my time fetching my kids to avoid the awkwardness. I'd use my children as a reason I couldn't be a part of groups. To be uber honest here, I looked for reasons to stay home altogether--the baby didn't sleep too well, I think my son is getting a cold, I better not infect others, it's too hot, my toddler is crabby, we've got nothing to wear, the dog gets lonely. . .you name it, I probably used it. Essentially, I made myself unavailable. I avoided the butterflies in my stomach getting to know new people, but I was very lonely. It was a good way to stay comfortable and safe, but a bad way to make friends.

The difference in these scenarios? My availability. When I made myself available to people, I realized conversing was not so tough and people could be refreshing. When I wasn't available, there was no chance for a friendship to form. It doesn't take too much to connect with people. Relationships can be formed simply by opening up your house and often just an ear to really hear another person.

Being available is one of the easiest ways to connect, requiring little skill and no preparation. It's only a matter of being there.

More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time

A Related Post: The Art of Hospitality

Steps to Connection: Time

Do you ever feel jealous of people with inside jokes? Someone utters the word "jello" or some other innocuous word and their friends erupt in side-splitting laughter. Do you sit there, wishing you understood the humor, pining away to know someone that well? How can you be connected like that?

It takes time.

Memories are made by spending time with each other. The more we see and understand of each other, the more we bond. Granted, it's easier to connect with some than others, but the more time we share with a person, the more confidence we gain to share a little more of ourselves. The more experiences we share, the greater likelihood to find common ground.

Finding the time to cultivate relationships can be difficult. There's so much to do! How can we fit building friendships into our schedules?

As I think over my life and recall my deepest friendships, they all involved CONSISTENT time together. In high school I saw my friends every day and spent time hanging out with them on the weekends or on band trips and traveling to games. In college we spent many nights talking into the wee hours of the morning about life and love. At the very least, we spent a few hours every week in class together discussing complex social issues.

One of my longest relationships was formed on a volleyball team, not because we sweat so much together, but because we sat right next to each other on the bench regularly! Thirty years later I see her twice a month and know she is someone I could call for anything.

As an adult, families and responsibilities require more of us and our time, making it harder to devote the time to relationships, but I have seen a pattern in my own life which has helped.

When my husband first started working at our church, he and I had lunch once a week with the pastor and his wife. Not only did it give us a regular time to talk about the issues involved in our ministries, but it helped us get to know each other quickly and establish a good relationship. As youth group sponsors, we formed close relationships with the other sponsors, seeing them at least once a week for the actual meeting, and often more than that for planning. I've found really good friends in the worship and arts ministry at church, spending many hours in rehearsals together and singing side by side every Sunday. I've watched connection take place among very different women, spanning generational gaps, life stations and with a variety of life experiences, simply because they spend a couple of hours every week together at Bible study.

In every one of these instances, CONSISTENT time together as a group sparked a desire to spend time with individuals apart from the group. These associations spawned coffee dates and lunches, talks on my back porch, social outings and play dates for our kids. When life gets busy and it's hard to find time together privately, we at least connect at that weekly meeting.

If you are looking for relationships, I suggest you get yourself into some kind of a group that meets regularly, at least a couple times a month. Plan it into your schedule. I promise it will pay off. These consistent interactions are the perfect vehicle to learn about each other and often turn into some really good relationships.

I used to hear this phrase, "Quality time is more important than quantity of time." I'm a firm believer that quality time is impossible without a quantity of time.

More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability

Steps to Connection: Vulnerability

In "The Emperor's New Clothes" no one can see the Emperor's new suit, but all are too afraid to admit it. What if someone finds them stupid or unfit for their office? So they go on, hiding their real thoughts, maintaining the facade, simply because they fear the opinions of others.

Until one little boy (is he too young and innocent to understand the risk involved?) states the obvious. Once the truth is out in the open, everyone breathes a sigh of relief and reveals their own inability to see the clothing.

It's a good lesson in connection.

We suspect we may be inadequate and worry what others may think if they knew the truth. So we maintain a facade to be acceptable, while inside we are struggling much like the person next to us.

But what would happen if we took a risk, like the little boy in "The Emperor's new Clothes?" What if we stated the obvious--we're ALL insecure? What if we revealed to others our weaknesses and inadequacies? Would they find comfort in knowing they were not alone? Would they be drawn to our honesty? Would we be a breath of fresh air to those around us?

YES!

I've seen it happen over and over again. I've watched countless times in Bible study as someone admits their inability to understand or tells of a struggle or fear. Others in the room nod. They smile. They breathe a sigh of relief and enter into discussion. And everyone in the room shares a common bond. We are connected because we know we are not alone. It does not matter if we share the same fear or struggle. Knowing makes us empathetic, helps us realize we are all human and puts us on the same team.

Developing relationships requires vulnerability. It's not easy, but always worth it. People find camaraderie with those who are willing to open up. It's not enough to take a risk and invite someone to coffee. We need to go a step further and give up something of ourselves. When we are vulnerable, we put others at ease, making them feel they can have weakness too. Sharing a real piece of us is the perfect invitation to connection and relationship.


More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities

Steps to Connection: Understand All Have Insecurities

For some reason (shall we blame it on busyness, unrealistic images in the media, and Satan?), people are lacking a real sense of connection with each other. We want to feel KNOWN, appreciated, understood. We want someone to really "get" us, but those relationships are hard to find.

It's a problem. Every time I blog about relationships or whenever the topic comes up in Bible study, women perk up. People relate. We want deep friendships and aren't experiencing them.

What's a girl to do?

Well, first I think we need to talk about it and look for ways to work on the problem. Now I'm no relationship expert, so I'm counting on some helpful suggestions from all of you (I mean it. Tell how you have built relationships in the comments.) Let's send Satan reeling and get this connection thing worked out.

Step one in my book on finding meaningful relationships with people is understanding all of us have insecurities. Even the most attractive and talented women are able to list their flaws in a second. The same woman who told me I seemed unapproachable told me it was because I was "so put together" to which I uttered an immediate "Psshht, whatever." That is the last way I would describe myself. Easily intimidated? Yes. Well aware of my faults ? Yes. Jealous of the great qualities in others? Yes. Put together? No.

I find that most women I know are the same way, completely oblivious to the effect they have on others, thinking they are no where close to "together." This includes the skinny ones, the well-dressed, the talented, the young, the smart, the pretty, those many people admire.

How can this knowledge help us in developing relationships? If we know the amazing lady next to us feels just like we do, are we more likely to reach out and open up? Will we have greater confidence in our interactions, more empathy, less intimidation? Will we be able to enjoy each other instead of sizing each other up?

It's worth a shot.

Everyone feels inadequate. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has insecurities.

Everyone.

Let's use them to find common ground to bond over.



Watch for more Steps to Connection in the weeks to come.

Related posts:
Assumptions
Satan's Best Trick
Connection