A Mom's Glimmer of Hope

Attila, my daughter walked into the kitchen, grabbed her "little" brother (who's actually a smidge taller than she) in a bear hug and said, "Hello, bro. How are ya doing?"

He looked over her shoulder at me while she held on tight, lifted his eyebrows and mouthed, "awkward."

But he didn't try to squirm out of it either.

"Good," he replied, "How are you?"

"Good." They shifted from foot to foot in this little huggy thing for a while.

And my heart smiled.



Read more Thankful Thursday posts at Sting My Heart.

The Moment of Truth

I caught a new television show last night I've not seen before called The Moment of Truth. The gist of the show is that contestants answer very personal questions, in front of their spouses and families for a chance to win half a million dollars. They can only advance if their answers are completely truthful as determined by a polygraph.

Apparently last night's show was more dramatic than usual, as the host actually gave a disclaimer about half way through saying this was his most uncomfortable moment in his entire career and if it had been up to him it would never have aired. The woman playing revealed before her husband, her parents and her siblings that she knew secrets about her father that she kept from her mother, she was in love with another man on her wedding day, she thought she should be married to an old boyfriend and she had slept with someone other than her husband since their wedding two years ago. The host kept saying things like, "Are you sure you want to continue? I don't think you know how tough these questions are going to get." She insisted on going on and I got the feeling it was because she wanted to get all of it off her chest. It was her way of telling her husband everything she couldn't alone.

You have to give the woman credit for doing whatever it took to confess.

The ironic thing is the question that tripped her up was, "Do you think you're a good person?" She answered yes, but the polygraph said it was a false answer which meant she went home without a cent.

I have to admit I'd like to get my husband in that chair for a few questions. No, I don't think he's harboring any deep, dark secrets from me, but I often wonder if there are things he doesn't tell me in order to spare my feelings. How do you know if he's just being nice?

And then I have to ask myself, do I really want to know? Is it better to have my feelings protected or is it better to know the truth?

What do you think?

Whispers

I've been wearing a cloak of sadness and fatigue for the last week and struggling to figure out why. After moping around in a store for half an hour I finally asked myself, "What is the matter with you, Tami? What do you have to be sad about?"

And though it wasn't audible, it was unmistakable and almost physically jarring, as if someone placed their hands on my shoulders to stop me from going any further. God said, "Satan's whispering in your ear."

What?

"You're listening to his lies."

Of course. Why hadn't I seen it before? I've been blaming it on other things--I'm tired, my hormones are out of whack, maybe I'm coming down with something--when what's really happening is I'm listening to Satan.

I get weary and Satan whispers in my ear, "It's not worth it. No one cares what you do."

I look in the mirror and he says, "Not good enough."

My husband wants to stay up later than I do and the devil suggests, "He doesn't love you like you love him."

Someone makes an insightful comment at Bible study and he taunts, "Oh, you missed that. You call yourself a leader?"

I have anxiety and he defeats me with, "You don't trust God."

My kids want to go out with friends and I hear, "They don't need you anymore."

I feel a little down and he tells me, "No one cares what you think. No one cares how you feel."

But God whispers too. When I stay connected to Him, when I take the feelings to Him, He's faithful to show me when I'm falling for the lines of the devil. God reminds me what is true. He put His words in writing.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me: even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day for darkness is a light to you.
Psalm 139:7, 11-12

For more Thankful Thursday posts, visit Iris at Sting My Heart.

Jesus Loves Me This I Know, Because of These

I have often struggled with the concept of God's love. I KNOW He loves me, but sometimes I want to FEEL it. I KNOW He speaks through His Word, yet I want to HEAR His voice. I KNOW He is with me, but I want to SEE Him.

And I've wondered how He can meet our needs when we can't feel Him or hear Him or see Him. He can't physically give us a hug when we're sad or watch the kids for a while when our patience has worn too thin. He can't sing us to sleep when anxiety keeps us awake. I don't feel Him holding my hand when fear sets in.

Now before you get yourself in a tither, let me assure you, I know. I know. God does all this and more. . .

. . .through other people.

So today I am thankful for the people God has used to love me, those He has used as vessels of Him. When I think of His best representations, two individuals stand out immediately--my mother and my husband.

To spare you from gagging, I'll just say my husband is a good guy, a really good guy, who loves me more than I understand. I have learned what unconditional love is all about through him.

My mom has shown me the sacrificial love of God, the part that puts His children first. She has consistently given me a glimpse of His vision for what I could be. God's love through her has supported me, yet nudged me when I needed it the most.

These two have loved me completely, faithfully, unselfishly, the longest and the best. They have always seen more in me than the world does and definitely more than I see in myself. They have given without ever expecting anything in return. They have comforted and challenged, encouraged and enraged, loved and listened.

They make my life easier by being in it. Truly they have made me who I am today.

God, thank You for the great love you show me through my mother and my husband. Thank You for tangible proof of Your love. Teach me to be that for others.



For more Thankful Thursday posts visit Sting My Heart.

Why We Look For Escape

My college roommate wrote a book of poetry one year as a Christmas present to her friends. Her poem about me was very short, but I have never forgotten it.

"Lying on the Floor Watching You Study"

Looking at you
sitting quietly
in the pink light of dusk,

My eyes raise
a glass
and drink deeply.

Something about that poem touches me deeply. I think it's the idea that someone took the time to look and liked what they saw enough to linger. And yet, I'm almost embarrassed to admit that. It seems egocentric to wish people would be captured by me in that way, but it makes even studying seem more meaningful and romantic. Can't you just hear the movie music playing in the background?

"Why do our days seem so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought--that no one has the passion or the courage to pursue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain--uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or will ever be.......And in all the exhortations we have missed the most important thing of all. We have missed the heart of a woman."

Quote taken from: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge

The tasks I perform each day, the responsibilities and duties I attend to are not who I am. No wonder I want to escape so often. No wonder women everywhere are drawn to chick flicks and romance novels which feed their heart. Is this why sex is appealing? Is it escape from the ordinary, confirmation that there is more to me than laundry and maid service?

When I first read the book this quote comes from, Captivating, I felt a huge relief. Maybe I'm not completely superficial and shallow. The Eldredges say men and women are each made in the image of God, but each gender reflects a different part Him. Men mirror God's strength and His desire to protect and take care of His own. Women reflect God's beauty and His longing to be pursued.

It explains a lot, doesn't it? Is this where my desire for my husband to gaze at me adoringly from across the room came from? Is it because I want to be pursued? Am I really wanting to be truly seen and known? Is this why women yearn to be irresistible? They want their men to take the time to unlock the mystery?

In my head I tell myself it is silly to want that and unrealistic and unfair to expect it from my husband.

But I still crave it. Why?

Maybe it's because my heart says, "Please come find me."

For more takes on this quote, visit As Gold Refined.

Knowing The Right Answer

She always has a lot to say, my youngest, and this day was no exception. She jumped in the van and began.

"Mom, you know what Dillon* said to me today?"

"No, what?" I geared myself up for the detailed description.

"Well, he was being mean to Heather."

"Mmm hmm." I confess. I wasn't listening too closely. Sometimes the sagas of a nine-year-old just don't trip my trigger.

"So I asked him if he went to church."

Suddenly this one was getting better. "Yeah. . ."

"And he said, 'No, I don't need to go to church.' So I said, 'Well, I could teach you about Jesus if you want.'"

"What did he say?"

"He was like, 'Yeah, well I could teach you about my fist and your A-S-S.'"

"Whoa. He really said that?"

"Yeah, well, he spelled it out like that."

"What did you do?"

"I went, 'O. . .kkaay,'" She rolled her eyes a bit. "Then I played somewhere else. I wasn't going to tell the teacher, but Heather did and he had to sit on the ledge. He's always sitting on the ledge."

"Maybe he has a tough life at home."

"I know. Other kids say both his mom and step-dad smoke (not sure why this is scandalous to 3rd graders, but I can deal with it) and his real dad's in prison and he lives with his grandma."

"Poor guy."

"Yeah."

"Does it make you worry about mentioning Jesus and church to other kids?"

"No, not really. He's always saying stuff like that. It didn't bother me. But you know what was kind of weird? At recess Sam and I were making tracks in the snow and all of a sudden Dillon started doing it with us."

"Maybe he needs a friend."

"Yeah, we just let him play with us."

Don't you just love it?! A kid who not only thinks Jesus is the answer to everything, but one who can overlook an insult and play along with the offender later.


Lord Jesus, thank You for Your touch in my daughter's life. Help me be more like her, innocently seeing the need for You among the people she encounters and unapologetically offering You to them. Bring back my child like faith that is ever willing to speak of You, not quick to take things personally and easily forgives. Thank You for a lesson in love from a nine-year-old.


*All the children's names have been changed to protect them.

To find more Thankful Thursday posts, visit Sting My Heart.

Wanting More Than One Day

I must confess when I read the topics for this month's Marriage Monday ("Top Ten Tips For the Ultimate Valentine's Celebration" or "My Most Memorable Valentine's Day Ever"), a little growl slipped out. I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. For so many years it was only a reminder that I didn't have a "valentine" and once I did fall in love it seemed overrated. Call me a grouch, but most holidays gear us up for things that rarely materialize and Valentine's Day is no exception. We set ourselves up for disappointment. We dream of romantic getaways without the bank account to support it. We envision moonlit walks, holding hands and talking for hours and then we get outside and freeze our bejeebers off. We imagine steamy nights which, more often than not, are preceded by a day so crammed full all we feel like steaming once we finally can is milk.

I don't like what it does to me either, giving me expectations. Those jewelry store commercials get me thinking I would like diamonds. And when is he going to whisk me off to Paris for dinner? I dream of flowers and sappy cards and candlelit dinners where he showers me with adoration and simply can't take his eyes off of me. I start yearning for extravagant gifts I know he won't buy because he knows my practical side would hyperventilate if he actually brought it home. I look for and think about things I normally wouldn't. It doesn't seem quite fair, does it? Do we have to do this to ourselves?

I guess I don't understand why we need a special day to proclaim our love for each other. Why do we need to celebrate it when we live it every day? To me the perfect Valentine's Day is free of hype and expectations. It would be any old ordinary day that my husband showed me he truly loved me without provocation from a commercial world. It means more to me when he brings home flowers because I "seem a little down" than when the holiday dictates it. I find it kind of romantic that nearly every week he asks me out to lunch and even though it's only lunch, it feels like a date with his asking (which is why I always wear perfume and lipstick). I prefer his "I love you"s accompanied by a lingering hug, every single day, than the same sentiment expressed in a card for Valentine's Day. And Paris, who needs Paris when unexpected steamy nights (and sometimes lunch dates!) occur right at home. . .ooh la la?!

It's my prayer that we don't wait for Valentine's Day to celebrate our love. I pray we give each other the same consideration every day, not just when it's expected.

And to my dear, sweet husband, Wanna do lunch?

For more valentine ideas, check out Chrysalis.