Battleground

I rarely do it, because my husband says my mental and emotional health is much better when I don't. But something compelled me that day, something dark and evil and perfectly rotten. I knew it was a bad idea as I did it, but I couldn't stop myself.

I stepped on my scale.

I stepped on my scale in the middle of the afternoon, fully dressed. Yeah, so stupid. Everyone knows the best way to weigh yourself is naked, first thing in the morning, before an ounce of food or drink has passed your lips. But idiotic me didn't have the self-control to wait. I stepped right up there, hoping for the best, but cringing just in case.

And wouldn't you know it, I did NOT like where the needle stopped.

Immediately my heart sank, my mind condemned. Any good feeling I had about myself for the last month evaporated. In the preceding week a stranger at a restaurant told Drama Queen she was lucky to have such a shapely mother, a woman told her coworker I had great legs (although I wonder if she is due for an eye exam), and a guy at the gym asked me what I'd been doing because I looked like I lost a lot of weight. But all these good, encouraging words were nullified the second I saw that number on my scale.

Grrrr.

I know I'm not alone. You've done it too. Every woman knows the familiar angst of reaching and/or maintaining that magic number. Every. Single. One. That includes the chick you're sure would be taken into the next county if a strong wind came up, the babe who looks spectacular in sweats, and the grandma who's more fit than you. Every girl asks, "Do I look fat in these jeans?" We dismiss flattering, sincere remarks because of that stinking number on our scale. Why do we do this to ourselves? Where did we get the idea that our worth is based on our weight?

Why do women with wit and beauty, brains and spiritual insight, women with gorgeous smiles and impressive accomplishments, competent, reliable, dependable women, greatly loved by God and others, feel defeat and shame because of an arbitrary number on their bathroom scale? Why do we give it so much power, significance? Why does it sap our confidence and tell us we're less than we should be?

Does Satan hold a lottery in hell where the winners get to live in someone's bathroom scale, tormenting the owner for a lifetime? Now that's an easy demon gig!

Why can't we see past the illuminated number between our feet? How do we fight this tendency to give our scales this much power? How do we deny this preoccupation? How do we remember what is true and live like we believe it?

Do we start by throwing away our scales, by letting God, not an inanimate object, decide what our perfect body should be? Can we concentrate on being healthy and strong instead of being a certain weight?

I wish I could solve the puzzle and have a checklist to freedom from the tyranny of the bathroom scale. It grieves me to see so many amazing women drug down and immobilized by something so dumb. Satan's playing a good trick on us, girls.

We've got to resist the temptation. We've got to say, "I may not like the number on the scale, but it doesn't define who I am." We need to look in our mirrors and proclaim, "I am a healthy, blessed woman, dearly loved by God." We need to give Satan our heel and shove that stupid scale where the sun don't shine.

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

Psalm 45:11

Let's honor God with our bodies, not our scales.

How will you fight this tendency to give your scale too much power?



Photo Credit: -Paul H-

Wanting to Make a Big Difference

I want to do big things for God.

I want my time here to matter.

To be honest, I get a little jealous of people God uses in big ways. I read blogs and envy the followers others have. I long for opportunities to talk about God. I read books and wish I had written them. I want to be used by Him.

But in my pursuit of big things, I overlook things that are big to God. I am intimately involved in the lives of some amazing people, getting a front row seat to God's work. It is my profound privilege to walk alongside them, nudging them along in obedience to God. I have opportunities to proclaim Him in my little community. I regularly interact with others spiritually.

And yet I want to do more. I pray, like Jabez, for God to expand my "territory." I pore over statistics and marketing advice and wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why can't I be satisfied with what I already do?

As I pray about this, God halts my flawed thinking.

Are three people not as important as 300? Are masses more consequential than individuals? Doesn't an impact on one life count? If I would have died for one person, shouldn't you be willing to expend yourself, give up anything for only ONE?

I am humbled. Who do I think I am? ANY work done for God is big. Huge. Numbers mean nothing.

My attitude is an indication I'm looking through human eyes, trying to get validation from my world, not my God. I'm focusing on me and what I can do, not on what God is doing.

Sigh.

I can't do anything for God. Only God working through me helps others. I want to make a big difference, but I forget HE defines difference and HE does the work.

So maybe my prayer should be, "Lord, empty me and fill it with You." Only then will any work matter.



Photo Credit: dr_relling

Good For You!

I started running last December, an activity I never in my entire life thought I'd be doing. I'm terrible at it. Technically I shouldn't even call myself a runner since my husband could keep up with me by walking fast. But I press on, hoping I become better, thinking time and experience will help, waiting for the sleek runner's body and muscular legs to become mine.

Sadly, it looks like it will be a long wait.

Each day I take off on a "run," I have to psyche myself up for it. I don't necessarily enjoy it. I like being out in nice weather and working up a good sweat, but can't say I take pleasure in the actual activity at all. It's something God nudges me to do, so I do it. He's teaching me about life more than anything, about persevering and doing things that are hard for me to do. I can't tell you how many times He's filled my head in my last half mile with, "Don't you quit, Tami. You got this. You keep going." So I keep doing something I'm not crazy about just to learn the lessons. Maybe some day I'll hear the the theme from Chariots of Fire blaring in my head as I shave a minute off my mile time, but I doubt it will be any time soon.

Sigh.

Maybe this is why a chance encounter made me happy Tuesday morning. I was hard at it, sweating my patootie off having just run up a gradual hill that stretched about a mile long when I came across an older woman walking. She looked so cute in her hot pink shirt and walking shorts, her matching visor, the cord from her ear buds swinging with her arms. I wished I could look as put together as her while exercising. When I sweat hard, my hair gets frizzy and oooh doggy, it's a little scary. Anyway, as I came up to hot-pink-put-together-Grandma I said, "Good morning" through huffs and puffs (I'm telling you this running thing is ugly, people. *shudder*). She smiled wide and in the most cheerful voice you can imagine, said, "Good for you!"

Don't you love it? A perfect stranger pumped me up with a "Good for you!" She made me smile for at least half a mile. I'm awful and slow, but I was doing it. She reminded me to be happy for MY progress, for hanging in there even though I'm not good at it. She recognized my effort.

Isn't that just like God, to take any effort we muster and give us credit for it? Isn't that what draws us to Him, His way of noting what we do, of deeming every endeavor worthy, of knowing how far we've come from? He tells us everything we work at with all our heart matters, even if others don't find it praiseworthy. He sees what we're trying to do and says, "Good for you!"

Later, after I'd finished my run and walked around the block to cool off, guess who I ran into? The same lady! We actually stopped and chatted a little and it brought a warmth to the whole morning, making me glad I forced myself to run that day. I don't know where hot-pink-put-together-Grandma is with God, but her sweet comment sure pushed me in His direction.

And I was thankful.

May He continually remind you of your worth, my friends. May you press on in what is hard, knowing He sees when others do not. May you hear His gentle encouragement.

Good for you!


Join other Thankful Thursday participants at Grace Alone . . .

Why Can't It Ever Be Good Enough?

People say I'm hard on myself.

I suppose it's true. The race I talked about last week was just a taste of how I struggle being satisfied with anything I've done. In my eyes, most everything I do is never quite good enough. If there's anybody who's ever done it better, then I think my efforts worthless.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with understanding who you are (and aren't), but it means I don't celebrate much. There's no satisfaction in reaching a goal, only a nagging thought that someone else could do it better. And while there's a benefit to continually wanting to improve yourself, it can get old to feel like you'll never arrive. So when the issue came up again at the race, I had to ask myself.

What is the matter with me?! Why can't I be happy with anything I do?

I've been reading The Search For Significance by Robert S. McGee and finding some disturbing insight. McGee says most Christians mistakenly define their self worth this way:

Self Worth = Performance + Others' Opinions

I'm probably guilty of that, but here's the quote that really smacked me upside the head.

Our behavior is often a reflection of our beliefs about who we are . . . if we base our worth on our abilities or the fickle approval of others, then our behavior will reflect the insecurity, fear, and anger that comes from such instability.

Busted.

Why was the race so hard for me? I was one of the last to finish. I didn't feel my "performance" would be deemed respectable in the eyes of others. Why was I angry? I was doing my best and it wasn't good enough.

No wonder I'm frustrated so often. I'm looking for significance from an unstable, ever-changing source through people with differing opinions. My lack of satisfaction comes from trying to find my self worth apart from God.

Ouch.

Now to show good faith that I'm working on this, I must tell you that McGee also says this is a problem for all of humanity (not just me) ever since the Fall of man. When Adam and Eve took that fateful bite, our security and significance in God alone took a big hit. We will all struggle with this. Please tell me I'm not alone!

What is the antidote? How can we find our worth in Him alone?

We must learn what is TRUE. Only when we correct our faulty vision through the lens of His Word, will we gain right thinking and find our meaning. We will never be good enough. That's why we needed Jesus in the first place. And once we have Him, we don't have to be or do anything to prove ourselves. We may actually find it easier to live a life pleasing to Him because of the Holy Spirit within, guiding our every step.

God doesn't want us living defeated lives. His word speaks of victory and praise. I want to know triumphant living. I want to be free from performing and trying to prove my worth to others. I want to feel happy about something I've finished. I want to feel satisfaction and joy at a job well done.

I want to find my significance in God alone.


Photo Credit: eschipul

I'm Not Taking it Any More

I sat at a table with three successful men. As I listened to their experiences and accomplishments and saw them struggle to engage me in conversation, that sinking feeling, that faint whisper of failure creeped in.

Who are you? What have you done?

I recognized the lie immediately and commenced the battle in my mind. Who defines success? Man looks at the outward appearance. God looks at the heart.

But really, what success have you had? You are so small. Can't anybody do what you do?

It's true I haven't had a full-time job since 1990. I don't earn any money, the worldly measure of worth. I don't have a title or impressive credentials. How do I measure success? Where can I find validation? It's certainly not from my daughter who takes eye rolling to a professional level or from my son who complains he has no clean underwear.

See? You're a nobody.

Sigh.

What have you done? You're nothing compared to these guys.

No. That's not true.

You're not in the same league. You don't stack up with them at all.

No! You're wrong. How do you articulate the value of touching others' lives? I have a file folder full of kind words from others proving what I do matters. My work may not be impressive or outstanding in a worldly sense, but God says it's important.

And the sneaky serpent slithered away.

I'm not taking it any more. I don't have to prove my worth. I only have to align myself with a Holy God. As others list their achievements, I can ponder His mysterious work in my life.

And know my value.

Don't believe the father of lies, my friends. You are not a failure. You are not inept. You are not a nobody. Don't sit back and take his condemnation. You must fight! What are you missing while wallowing in Satan's web of deceit? If you are a committed child of God, you are chosen, holy and dearly loved. You are forgiven and set free from the bondage of proving yourself worthy. You have within you the Holy Spirit, empowering you to achieve anything God may ask.

Don't lay back and accept defeat. What are the devil's lies keeping you from doing? Fight! Don't let him rob your confidence. Don't take it any more.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith . . .And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:8-10

Looking for Validation

Deep inside every woman is a little girl who's not sure she measures up.

Is she pretty enough, smart enough, entertaining enough, skinny enough? Will men find her attractive? Will women want to call her friend?

Like little girls, we look to others to verify our worth. We're confused by varying opinions, frustrated by differing standards. Our human nature starts comparing and before long we're defeated.

Yesterday I was reminded to stop looking at myself and start looking at Jesus. It's the only way to gain freedom from myself. But as a little girl wishes for her daddy to call her beautiful, I desire His favor. How do I know if God likes what He sees? How do I know if I please Him? With so many imperfections, how do we ever make a perfect God smile?

I have no answers and perhaps there aren't any. Maybe the only thing we can do is sit in God's presence, soak in His Word and trust Him to make something beautiful of us.

What do you think?



Photo Credit: chicks57

Do My Expectations of Myself Give the Wrong Message?

For as long as I can remember, truly, since I was a kid, I've struggled with my weight. I've prayed for God to make it a non-issue over and over and over, but He doesn't. I guess it's my "thorn in the flesh," my eternal weakness God doesn't take away so I am forced to rely on Him.

Okay.

Yeah, I say that now. Believe me, I've had plenty of temper tantrums about it. I wish I could say I've quit obsessing about it, but I'd be lying. I'm working on not, or rather, God's working on me. Today He brought me a new reason to get over it already.

If I obsess about it publicly, even if it's only with my closest friends, do I project my expectations of myself onto them? If I expect myself to look a certain way, will my friends think they should too? If I cannot be happy with myself, will they start to believe they must be a certain way to gain my love and acceptance?

Even worse, what do I say to my daughters?

Do I inadvertently place expectations on my loved ones when I put them on myself? I don't want that. I don't want to place ANY expectations on those I love. I want them to feel valued and important no matter what. I want them to know I'm in their corner at all times, that they are deeply loved , that they are safe and esteemed, no matter what their circumstances.

But if I don't give myself the same courtesy, why should they expect me to give it to them?

Worth

"The worth and excellency of a soul is to be measured by the object of its love."
Henry Scougal (The Life of God in the Soul of Man ), quoted by John Piper in The Pleasures of God

This quote has gotten my wheels a spinnin' (of course a break in the clouds can do that to me too, but anyway). Immediately I was reminded of verses about reflecting God's glory and how those of us who love God should do that. Apparently MiPa thought the same thing and I appreciated her impressions that the way we spend our time should point to what we love. Amen, sister!

But there was one thing that stuck in my craw. Perhaps I am missing something by reading the statement out of its context, but on its own it really rubbed me the wrong way. It seems harsh to say someone's worth or excellence is dependent upon what they love. Is the child who adores her alcoholic mother not worthy or excellent because her mother has problems? Do we really want to say an unbeliever is NOT worthy or excellent because they don't love God? Worthy or excellent to who? Didn't Jesus die for ALL, not just the ones who love Him? This can't be God's view. Hasn't He created ALL of us? Does He not think ALL of us have worth whether we love Him or not? If He didn't, we would not exist!

Certainly we can and should reflect the worth and excellency of God if we say we love Him, but this is dangerous territory assigning ourselves worth. I realize the intention of this statement is to cause us all to pause and evaluate whether we display God, but it seems more than a little arrogant and pious to me to claim worth and excellence simply because we love God. None of us are worthy. We are recipients of amazing grace and mercy.


For more impressions of this quote visit Laurel Wreath.