I Don't Belong

Though I should have been lost in the crowd, I sat there feeling exposed, very aware I did not fit in. Did they sense I was an imposter, not one of them? Why is there an "in" crowd even in adulthood? And why do I care?!

Things I find valuable and important others dismiss. I cannot be defined by a job title, financial earnings or even pursuits the general public would find noteworthy. Though I know better, common questions--What are you doing these days?--leave me feeling small and insignificant. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, I recite in my head, yet I walk away feeling like a loser, a nobody, less than.

The problem is not insensitivity or my lack of self-esteem.

I don't belong here.

I'm an alien, a stranger, a foreigner on earth. I don't belong here and some days I feel it acutely. Some days it seeps deep and I want out.

And yet I'm here.

Where I don't belong.

Sigh.

What do we do? How do we make the best of our time on earth? What do we do when we feel like we don't fit in?

We live by faith.

By faith we press on. By faith we welcome what is to come. By faith we do the next thing and trust God to use it for something good. By faith we get up and push through the fleeting, unreliable feelings. By faith we fix our eyes on the One who paves the way to home. By faith we KNOW the best is yet to come. It's only a matter of time.

I don't belong here. But by faith I keep at it and eventually I'll get home.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

Hebrews 10:35-36

Walk on, my friend.

In faith.



Photo Credit: adam

7 Quick Takes (Volume 205)-- The Dork Edition

1) We were eating at Culver's the other night and I couldn't resist the flavor of the day--Heath Chocolate Crunch.

Me (in complete ecstasy after my first bite): Oh my gosh. This is totally worth the calories. Sometimes you treat yourself and it's not really worth it, you know, you don't really enjoy it that much, but this, THIS is TOTALLY worth the calories.

Drama Queen rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Me (choosing to ignore her and savoring every bite): It's sooooo smooth. Mmmm. Mmmm. This is so worth it.

Drama Queen: Mom, this is why you're the dork of the family. Who talks like that? Who counts their calories while they're eating? Smooth? Gosh!

Does anyone understand why it's dorky to enjoy your food? But I'm not taking it personally. Drama Queen told me not to. (Love you, babe!)

2) Ladies Man had his first high school vocal concert. His class schedule didn't allow him to be involved in choir or show choir until this year and BOY is this kid loving it. He doesn't look bad in his show choir suit either.
This picture makes me look teeny (woo hoo! whoop whoop! and Praise the Almighty!), but I should tell you the floor of the auditorium slants and I was on the downward slant.

I gotta say he's pretty cute, my son. Uh oh, now my children are saying, "Mom, ew, that's just wrong."

3) We were watching a new television show when suddenly Ladies Man sighed and started leaving the room.

Ladies Man: A love triangle. I hate love triangles. It's always about vampires and werewolves and love triangles. Stupid.

I must not be watching enough t.v. to understand.

4) It was nearing bedtime when Miss Innocent One decided to make cookie dough for a snack. She brought the bowl to the living room and got a little too comfy for my tastes.

Me: Uh, you've got like ten minutes.

Miss Innocent One: Yeah, I know.

We watched the end of the show (minus Ladies Man who was disgusted over love triangles) and the magic hour hit.

Me: Time for bed.

Miss Innocent One: Yeah, yeah.

Me: That means you'll have to put the bowl away.

Miss Innocent One: Yep.

Me: (feeling frustrated at her pleasing responses without corresponding action): Put the dough down!

Miss Innocent One giggled.

Me: What?

Miss Innocent One: Put the dough down? Drama Queen's right. Dork.

Sigh. Apparently I've slipped from Mom-is-so-wonderful glory into the oh-brother-our-mother-is-losing-it zone which I find quite annoying. Maybe next time somebody puts a hand out I should tell them dorks don't carry twenties.

5) I ran across some pictures yesterday that took me back to days gone by and made me laugh. We tell Miss Innocent One she was always falling asleep as a baby. Here's proof her life as the youngest wore her out.
We've often teased Drummer Boy about his Harry Potter days.
And we STILL tell Drama Queen she's full of it and razz Ladies Man about his huge head.
Oh, the good ole days, when no one thought I was a dork.

6) Sitting down to dinner the other night I made a startling observation.

Me: All my protein sources came from nuts today.

Ladies Man: Squirrel.

Which is better? Squirrel or dork?

7) Just to prove that I'm not the only dorky adult in the house (or maybe to assuage my psyche), I must show you this picture. Our kids love to torment us. Though Drummer Boy was not present, he gave his two cents on the picture when I posted it to Facebook saying, "YES!"
Now do you understand what we live with? They are lucky we love them so much!

With that I'm calling it done, people. See if you can enjoy your weekend in some dork-free way and find more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

Even So

Crabby. Tired. Even so, Lord, help me press on.

Even so.

Relationships suffer. Responsibilities weigh. Plans don't work out.

Help me press on, Lord, even so.

The car breaks down and the kids are sick. The house is dirty and I can't find my sock's match. It's frozen pizza for dinner again. And the grass is dead.

Even so, I will press on.

There's been so much to do I miss my husband, though we live in the same house. My reflection looks older. Why can't my bank account multiply as quickly as my gray hairs?

But even so, I'm pressing on.

For God is a God of perseverance, of endurance, of steadfast commitment and patience. I will press through the mundane, the uncomfortable, the pain.

Even so.

Diligence produces honor, glory to our Maker. It weeds out the girls from the women, the real from the pretend. Stamina brings blessing.

As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

James 5:11

Are you feeling tired, worn? Don't give up, friend. Though your circumstances may tell you otherwise, God's got it. Trust Him, though you don't like the answer. Believe though you cannot see.

Even so.

That is faith.

You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

Hebrews 10:36-39

Photo Credit: mll

Masterpieces Take Time

It took Michaelangelo four years to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel at Vatican City.


Margaret Mitchell needed eight years to write Gone With the Wind.


Construction on the Nebraska State Capitol required ten years.


Experts believed it took 50 years for workers to complete the Sphinx in Egypt.


200 years were spent on the Leaning Tower of Pisa.


Who can calculate how many years carved the Grand Canyon?

Masterpieces take time. And yet it strikes me that each of these marvels are temporal, lasting only as long as earth does, deteriorating every minute. We value them as treasures, but none will be part of our eternal future. None will be in heaven.

So why do we expect God, the master Creator, to take less time crafting His everlasting children? Why do we want quick fixes? Why aren't we willing to wait for His beautiful, masterful plan? Why are we so impatient?

I want to see what I want to see in the people I love, in those my heart hurts for, yet God is constantly working, chipping, carving, sculpting. He's writing the story of our lives and painting it with His skillful, creative, unique hand. Masterpieces take time and if I want the best, I have to patiently wait for Him to do His thing.

God works in mysterious, yet calculated, perfect ways. He's not making junk. He's creating masterpieces.

Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.

Psalm 27:14

Do you have trouble waiting for God's master plan to unfold?



Photo Credits
Sistine Chapel: Beyond Forgetting

Nebraska State Capitol: jimbowen0306

Leaning Tower of Pisa: Sam and Ian

Sphinx: digitalurbanlandscape

Grand Canyon: Markusnl

7 Quick Takes (Volume 204)

1) I have this annoying thing that happens to me whenever I fall asleep. My mouth falls wide open. And where there's an open mouth, there is drool waiting to be free. I hate it. You know in movies where the man adores his wife as she sleeps next to him. That could never happen at my house. I would totally turn my husband off. Instead of thinking, "Oh, look how beautiful she is," my husband would surely think, "Ew. What did I get myself into?" As much as I want my husband to look on me adoringly, I think it would be best for him to do it while I'm fully awake.

Who am I kidding? Do husbands really do that outside of Hallmark movies and Nicholas Sparks books? The day I find my husband staring at me when I wake up is the same day I find his morning breath appealing.

2) You know the vast amount of self-control I used to avoid eating that humungous bag of M & Ms? That thing sat on my kitchen counter for WEEKS without me eating a single morsel. I kept pushing my people to eat them. When I found the bag with only ONE M & M left, I begged someone in my family to finish it off.

Me: I've done so good. I'm so proud of myself. There's just one left. Somebody eat it.

Ladies Man: You eat it, Mom.

Me: NO! I've been so proud of myself for not eating ANY.

And then my stupid (yet very cute and fun) husband went and did it.

Kevin (chanting): Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Of course it didn't take long for the kids to join in.

My entire family: Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Me: But you guys. I've done so well. It's the principle.

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

Me: I wanted to say I didn't eat a single piece!

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!

And you know what happened, right? They would not be quieted until I popped that luscious yellow M & M into my mouth. And you know what? No lightning bolt plummeted to punish me, no weight magically attached to my hips. The world went on as if nothing happened at all.

It was ONE M & M, Tami! Sheesh! Maybe I am a food nazi.

3) How about a pic of Ladies Man in action at his first band competition? Doesn't he look official? He tells us he nearly fell off the ladder. Apparently one of the drum major ladders is slightly damaged and they usually give it to the other drum major since she weighs probably HALF what he does. But in the excitement of the first competition it got set up for him and when he stepped down he heard an ominous creak. To compensate, he moved to the back of the platform, but when he spun around to give the final salute, he nearly spun right off. He must have covered it well, because I didn't even notice.
Way to cover, Ladies Man. Lookin' good.

4) At the risk of tooting my horn too much, I must tell you we were super excited to see an article in our local paper about Drummer Boy and Drama Queen. I love how the reporter was able to capture that they truly love playing together. Fifteen years ago Drummer Boy found his little sister bossy and annoying and Drama Queen felt she should run any show. You've come a LONG way, guys, and this mother couldn't be happier you are now friends. You can find the article by clicking here:

Beatrice siblings make UNL drum line

5) Miss Innocent One has a knack for finding joy in the little things. On the way home from getting her new retainer, she thought ahead to what was left in the day.

Miss Innocent One: Sigh. I suppose I'm gonna have to start my homewor . . .

Suddenly a glorious thought filled her mind.

Miss Innocent One: Wait! We don't have school tomorrow. I can do it tomorrow!

Judging by her excitement level, you would have thought this was as good as Christmas.

Miss Innocent One: What a wonderful thought. I'm glad a had it! The only thing that would make it better is if I could wake up without a lisp from this retainer.

Simple pleasures. This girl can find them, I tell you.

6) Last Friday I talked Kevin into exercising with a friend and I. He hates exercise. HATES it. He struggles with finding a good time to do it regularly and can't find anything he enjoys enough to do long term. But I talked him into doing a P90X Plyometrics DVD which he's done many times. As I anticipated, he did NOT enjoy it, but made it through fine. After taking a shower he popped his head into my office.

Kevin: A person really does feel better after you exercise.

Me: Yeah.

Kevin: Crap. That means I need to do it.

Yes, you do, my love. We don't want you turning into a fuddy duddy.

7) We attended parent-teacher conferences this week and discovered that both Ladies Man and Miss Innocent One need to learn how to shut their traps a little better. These are the euphemisms that clued us in.

"They are very social."

"Participates well in class."

"I suspect their work is finished slowly because they're getting into some . . . discussion."

And my favorite: "Occasionally needs redirection." (One teacher saw this on another teacher's notes and added, "I would agree.")

All were to quick to say they got back on track easily when called on their motor mouths and remained respectful, so that is good news. This is a tough one for parents, though. You can't be there to give the don't-you-dare stare every time they get chatty. You can talk about it at home, but ultimately it is out of your control. I guess you pray for laryngitis?

Okay, when you start wishing physical maladies on your children, it's probably time to be done, huh? I hope you enjoy your weekend and read more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

Wanting More For Someone Hurting

The moment she walked in I knew it was a bad day. She looked good, but serious, a little flushed, preoccupied. She made a beeline for a chair to disappear in before anyone could say anything.

I wanted to help, but didn't know how. Sometimes the best thing we can do for people is give them space, so I did, but she lodged in my mind.

I didn't know what the problem was, didn't know what she needed. She sat there detached, present in body, her spirit far away. I suspect she pushed herself to get out of the house and come, and for that I was proud of her. Yet her attempt to do the right thing didn't seem to help. She remained distracted, troubled, alone.

She stared into space and I wondered if she heard anything. Did she know the words were for her too? I wanted to scream, "Are you listening? Hear the Truth. Don't try to avoid it. Believe it." But there was no opportunity and perhaps she wasn't ready to hear it yet anyway.

So I started praying, both in and out of her presence. I want more for her, better. I want her to know freedom and joy and peace. I get frustrated at my inability to bring her relief.

MY heart hurts, though I have no idea what plagues hers. What can I do? How can I help? How can I make God's love sink into her depths?

My words will never be adequate, so I keep praying. I ask God if there's anything else I can do. I pray. And though I wonder if it's enough, until God gives me something else to do, it must be.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Ephesians 3:16-19

Just in case you're reading this, friend, and recognizing yourself, know that God loves you and has great plans for you. Know I love you and want better for you and am praying so hard for you. You are not alone.



Photo Credit: honor the gift

But God IS

The future's uncertain. How will it work out? I can't see the way.

But God IS.

Relationships weaken, feelings hurt, wounds fester.

But God IS.

Loved ones get sick. Kids struggle. Friends tire and weaken.

But God IS.

Prices soar. Worries abound. A dollar doesn't stretch like it used to.

But God IS.

We know tears, sorrow, heartache, anxiety.

But God IS.

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33

In this world you will have trouble. I know it. I feel it. I live it. I watch it. I don't like it, and some days it's too much.

But God IS.

And somehow knowing God IS--knowing He's there and in control, on the throne, aware of these earthly problems--somehow knowing He IS brings a sigh, a glimmer of hope. It brings enough to press on.

Take heart, my friends. Life is hard.

But God IS.

How does knowing God IS give you courage?



Photo Credit: ford_paul