When There Are No Words

The four of us sat in the room, words tumbling, attempting to remedy an ugly situation. Stored up hurt got too heavy and broke the dam days before and now we tried desperately to salvage something of the relationship. There weren't enough "I'm sorry"s to fix it. Apologies were appreciated, but didn't mend mangled hearts. Disappointment and pain and awkwardness hung in the air, but as people committed to Christ we knew His mandate to forgive.

How do you forgive when the hurt lingers, reaches deep into your gut?

We had no answer, but knew Who did. The faith that drew us together dictated our next move. We joined hands in prayer. As the Spirit moved, my own guilt weighed me down so much that when it was my turn to pray, I had nothing to say. My words got us in this mess to begin with.

What do you pray when words are inadequate, when you are so aware of your faults, your failures, your sins?

All I could muster up were the sentiments of King David who articulated it so well.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

There was much more in the passage from Psalm 51 that I'd memorized, but I couldn't get it out. Sadness overcame me and as the prayer ended, I dropped my head into my husband's lap and sobbed.

Tears cleansed. Friends were gracious. And God's Word was alive, active, an oasis in many sad days ahead.

I want people to fill their minds with passages of Scripture while they are well and strong, that they may have sure help in the day of need. I want them to be diligent in studying their Bibles, and becoming familiar with their contents, in order that the grand old Book may stand by them and talk with them when all earthly friends fail. From the bottom of my heart, I pity that person who never reads their Bible. I wonder how they expect to draw their consolation in their time of need.

J.C. Ryle

When there are no words, HIS Word supplies. In tender, hard moments, in dark days with heavy hearts, the Word speaks to the depths of our beings. It identifies, soothes, encourages our flailing spirits. But if we haven't put it there beforehand, how will it bubble to the top when needed? It can't surface if it hasn't been planted.

When there are no words, HIS Word supplies.

If we know it.

Has His Word come to your aid exactly when you needed it?


Click over to Sunflower Faith to find more impressions of this quote.

Photo Credit: 27147

My Mothering Failure

I should have known better.

When Miss Innocent One plopped down in my office and said she was going to do her math homework there "in case she had any questions," I should have shut my laptop and given her my full attention.

It's just that my day had already been interrupted by an impromptu visit to the doctor for "splinter removal," and school had gotten out early and we had to pick up Ladies Man's new glasses and he needed some things from Walmart.

I should have known, but instead I typed away, hoping to finish in time to make supper and get to Bible study. But she kept having questions, kept interrupting my train of thought, and though I helped her, my inconvenienced, annoyed attitude came through loud and clear.

To add to the commotion, Kevin came home early and joined us in the office. Soon Ladies Man came in to get a glimpse of Kevin's splinter-less hand, all the while I'm trying to keep my cool and answer questions about math. When Kevin couldn't find the antibiotic ointment, I lumbered down the stairs to help him and whispered my frustration through clenched teeth.

She's driving me crazy. I can't get anything done.

I got him fixed up and wandered back upstairs to find Miss Innocent One in a major huff.

Miss Innocent One: You're making me feel like a stupid idiot.

Me: What did I do to make you feel like a stupid idiot? I'm helping you! Let's just get this done.

Miss Innocent One (still fuming): This is stupid. I stink at math.

Me: No you don't. Come on, let's finish this.

Miss Innocent One (as loud as she gets): I don't want to do this!

She threw her pencil and stomped out of the room. Now math gets her goat consistently, but this outburst was VERY uncharacteristic of her. She only had three problems left so I pushed her to come back and finish. She did, but not with the best attitude and as soon as we were done, she stomped back to her bedroom. I gave her some space. A few minutes later she wandered back to my office to ask a different question.

Me: Are you okay, honey? Why did you get so upset?

Miss Innocent One (tears welling): Just frustrated, I guess.

Me: Are you sure there isn't more to it?

Miss Innocent One (still holding back the dam): I don't know.

Me (figuring it out): Did you hear what I said to Dad?

She nodded slowly, still willing away the tears.

And I felt like the worst mother on the face of the globe. When will I learn I don't have to utter everything that crosses my brain? Why didn't I remember to give her the time first and I'd be less frustrated in the long run? How could I make it right?

Me: I'm sorry, honey. I was just frustrated. I don't think you're a stupid idiot. Not at all. I should have stopped what I was doing to help you and we would have been done sooner. It's my fault. I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?

She nodded and I walked over to give her a hug, apologizing again. She is gracious and loving and doesn't hold grudges, but I still kicked myself around for my own stupidity. And I could have stayed there, wallowing in my mothering mistake, not allowing myself any slack, being stuck in the mire of my mind. But what does that do? How would that help this situation? What good is accomplished?

Instead I chose to be thankful, for a gracious daughter, who is WAY more kind and compassionate than I am, for forgiveness, for resolution to an ugly situation. I thanked Him for giving me words to say and prayed for Him to heal my daughter's tender heart.

And I thanked Him that I had this bad scene as reference and motivation to do better the next time.

Join Laurie at Women Taking a Stand to see more Thankful Thursday posts.

Throwing Away the Record

I got the vibe I didn't measure up and when we talked about it, I wasn't convinced otherwise. She was kind, intended no malice, and gave me honesty which I asked for, yet her words stung.

We're human. We do this to each other. No doubt you've experienced it yourself. I've brought others pain too. We don't understand and assume too much or expect too much and cause each other grief.

But if love keeps no record of wrongs, why does the hurt linger? Why can't we overlook it? Why don't we let it go? Why do we harbor ill feelings instead of lovingly moving on? What stops us from believing the best?

Do we lack self-control when we let our minds dwell on the negative? Aren't we empowered by the Holy Spirit to forgive? Do we need to force ourselves to forget too?

I suspect we put what we want ahead of what God wants. Is this why we carry the hurt? We want to be right, justified. Do we think we keep control by hanging on to the pain?

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

Romans 8:5

My sinful nature desires to point fingers, to debate, to blame, to win. But what does God want? What does the Spirit desire? Would He approve of me holding on to wounds from relationships? Does He want me weighed down by them? Don't I damage myself by doing so? Aren't I missing the victorious life the Bible promises?

Shouldn't I give others the clean slate Jesus provides for me?

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.

1 Peter 4:4

If I love well, I keep no record of wrongs. It won't feel natural, because it isn't, so it will take some practice. I need lots of practice. But it's right. And good. And worth working at.

It's time to throw away the record, friends. Only then can we believe the best about others and maintain the kind of relationships Jesus desires for us.

Mothering By the Book

I'd just finished preparing to lead a Bible study on laying aside the old and putting on the new when it happened.

I blew up at my kid.

And I'm not talking stern, parental voice. I'm talking loss-of-control-yelling, let-a-curse-word-out ugliness. She slammed the door on her way out. I shoved the refrigerator. We both stuffed the tears.

Sigh. Some mother, some Bible study leader I am.

I had a little pity party and cried it out, then decided I better get ready for study. It was going to take me a little more time since I had to iron my shirt.

But when I went for the iron, it was gone, and I remembered my daughter, the very one I'd just gone off on, left it at school. The ire rose again and I grabbed my phone to send her a snarky text, when suddenly God stopped me.

Weren't you just grieved about how she left? Weren't you the one who asked my forgiveness and for wisdom? Try these on for size.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Philippians 2:3-4

Sigh. Was my iron more important than my relationship with my daughter? Did saving face and maintaining my authority matter if my she dreaded coming home?

So I texted, "I hate how you left this morning. I'm sorry."

A few seconds later, my phone buzzed.

"I'm sorry too."

And healing began.

I'm not perfect. I'm moody and selfish and worry about the expectations of others far too much. And I'm definitely NOT a model mother. But I want to be. My kids deserve better. My best shot is to follow God's lead, to know His word and be willing to apply it to ME first.

I need to mother by THE book.



Photo Credit: jamelah

What Do You Do With the Ugly?

Now and then the ugly comes out at our house--a power struggle with a kid, an attitude gone awry, a bad scene you hope the neighbors didn't see or hear, some snippy words with the spouse. I'm assuming it happens in all homes (if not, PLEASE pass on your wisdom!), yet when it rears its head in mine, I don't like it. Not one little bit.

What do you do with the ugly?

I can spend the rest of the day analyzing my behavior, kicking myself around for a poor response, and to be honest, I often do, but what good comes from that? How is the ugly changed by me berating myself?

Do you know what diffuses the ugly?

When I admit my failure to myself, to God AND the party on the receiving end, the hurt is softened and healing begins. Though it's not fun to humble myself and own up to my part (and sometimes doesn't seem fair), it's crucial in maintaining healthy relationships.

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 11:2

What do you do with the ugly?

Perhaps if we show humility, we'll gain the wisdom to know.

As for me, here's my plan:

Admit to my part.
Ask forgiveness.
Forgive myself.
Move on, refusing to let Satan have a hold.

Tell me friends, what will you do with your ugly?



Photo Credit: spike55151

Learning From My Mistakes

As we backed out of the parking stall at the doctor's office, a woman stumbled to her car. She walked so awkwardly, she couldn't be missed. Our eyes followed her to where she fell into the driver's seat and let her head rest on the steering wheel without even shutting her door.

"What in the world?" my daughter muttered.

I wondered the same thing, but pushed aside the thought that said I should make sure she was okay. I was in a hurry after all. I had less than two hours before people were coming to my house for Bible study. I had errands to run, dinner to make and clean up, and who knew what my house looked like since I left six kids tearing around in it while I took this one to the doctor. Besides, this woman just came out of the office herself. She's in the best place if she has a problem.

I stuffed the guilt and moved on.

I know. Don't say it. I had the same argument in my little head.

It didn't take long for the guilt to resurface a few hours later in Bible study. When someone mentioned (wait, could it have really been me?) how little actions make big statements, guess who wanted to slink under her chair? I privately beat myself up about it. How much time would it have taken, really?

As I sat there, feeling heavy and so disappointed in myself, God showed me I had a choice to make. I could continue berating myself, feeling like a horrible person, wallowing in regret, or I could learn from my mistake. If I let myself fall into the familiar guilt pit, would that blind me from other needs? Would it keep me focused on me instead of looking outward? I decided to ask for God's forgiveness, accept it, forgive myself and remember. I cemented in my mind a picture of the woman's head on her steering wheel and prayed I would do better next time.

My next time came sooner than expected. Twelve hours later, I saw an acquaintance I know has been struggling. It would have been easy to pretend I didn't see him. It was a big room. I knew he probably wouldn't stop me. I could have slipped by him without any effort. I needed to pick up my daughter and didn't have a lot of time. I didn't know what to say or how to approach him, but the nudge was there to do it. And I remembered. Real love makes an effort and trusts God for the outcome.

I took a deep breath and wandered his way. Though it felt uncomfortable at first, he was nice. I asked a few questions and before I knew how it happened, he was talking of his pain, telling me more than I ever thought he'd feel comfortable sharing. I had no fancy words, nothing to soothe him, only a sympathetic ear and a pat on the shoulder. Though it didn't seem like much, I hope he felt loved.

I was late picking up my daughter, but wasn't bothered by it. She'll get over it too. The important thing is that God's still working. He's teaching me each day, each encounter is a practice run for heaven. Some days we're on, others we're way off. No matter how we perform, we're getting stronger if we allow Him to keep putting us through the drills. Even though yesterday's "practice" was a total disaster, it helped me for today's which went much better.

May we never forget the pain in messing up. May we learn from our mistakes. May God give us the courage to love others well.

A Good Neighbor

What he said irked me, but it really didn't hurt. It felt the same as following a putzy driver when I'm in a hurry. I wanted to mutter, "C'mon."

So I muttered. . .too much. I deceived myself, thinking it was a good opportunity to make a point, but no justification made it right. When I had a hard time looking at him a few days later I realized I was out of line, WAY out of line. My words caused uncomfortable attention for both of us. What I said was completely petty and stupid and down right ugly. As hard as it was, I had to own up to and apologize for my inane behavior. I was wrong. And insensitive. And hurtful.

He and his wife listened quietly and attentively. They patiently let me get it all out as I struggled to talk through my crying. There was no lashing back, no accusations, no sharp words. Instead he looked me in the eye and said softly,

"Tami, if I hurt you in any way, I am so sorry."

I still tear up thinking about it. I was the idiot, yet he cared enough to acknowledge my feelings.

There were many tough times in the following days and months. I was so ashamed and unsure of myself I wanted to crawl under the covers and forget about life for awhile. This man and his wife nudged me along when I wanted to quit. They were quick to bring hugs and encouraging words and, I suspect, many prayers. They helped me heal.

How do you say thank you for such undeserved grace, such mercy in the flesh?

Jesus said, "Go and do likewise."


Go to Sting My Heart for more Thankful Thursday posts.