Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Exactly what they need


I'm not a model mother.

My kids would concur. I think every one of them wished I would take a flying leap on Saturday. Frankly, it didn't sound like a bad idea to me either. This mom gig is tough!

Last week I growled into my husband's shoulder saying I needed a break from being a mom. I love my kids, I really do. They are awesome, no angels, mind you (unless you count the youngest the rest of them call "Perfect Baby Angel Child" who never gets in trouble. When will they quit beating that old drum?!). It's just that sometimes I get tired of the commitments, the laundry, the appointments, the money being shelled out, the late nights, the early mornings, the endless questions and minor crises I'm supposed to address at a moment's notice.

Don't say it. I'll say it for you. My whiny baby syndrome is kicking in again. You think God resists the urge to smack me the same way I do with my teenage daughter when hormones take over her mouth?

Believe it or not, my reality check came through a television program. A couple was divorcing and the husband was awarded temporary custody of the kids for two weeks. As the wife was getting the children ready to go with their dad, she put on a happy face, trying to make it easier on them, telling them how much fun they were going to have, assuring the older of the two it was going to be okay. But the minute the front door shut, she fell to the floor. I've never faced this kind of trauma personally, yet I couldn't help but cry along with her. As much as they wear me out, I can't stand the thought of living without my kids.

The truth is I prayed to be a mother. I yearned for it. And God answered my prayer, four times over. Despite my feelings of inadequacy, it is no mistake these kids live in my house. Though I'm going to mess up every single day, though I'm bound to lose my temper and get frustrated, though my body is consistently weary, He chose me the same way He chose Mary. It is a divine appointment. I am the best possible mother for each of them. No one else can give them what I can. When it gets overwhelming, I need to remember His promise:

He tends his flock like a shepherd; he gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart. He gently leads those that have young.

There is hope and help. I can do this mother thing as long as I hold His hand.

I pray as my children sit around with their friends and talk about the stupid things their parents do or did, they are gentle. I pray as they become parents themselves they will understand. And I pray for strength for mothers every where. May His spirit empower us to be exactly what our children need.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Searching for Answers



She continually asked me questions I couldn't answer. She would scour her Bible and find things that seemed contradictory to her and wanted an explanation. I could give her some direction, but not every issue has a corresponding black and white verse, you know? She didn't want Christian rhetoric. She wanted Biblical support for any and every idea. Many nights she left with a "whatever" attitude, seldom seeming pacified.

I noticed she responded best when I built a case based on many verses. I couldn't give her one specific verse that said having sex outside of marriage was sin, but she couldn't ignore the arguments I raised when I gave her a collection of verses on sex. I challenged her to find one instance involving sex in the Bible where it is depicted in a good light outside of marriage and she couldn't do it. She understood some answers require looking at the Bible as a whole to find consistent ideas and discover the character of God.

"The Word of God well understood and religiously obeyed is the shortest route to spiritual perfection. And we must not select a few favorite passages to the exclusion of others. Nothing less than a whole Bible can make a whole Christian."

~ A.W. Tozer ~


Some worried about all her questioning. Was she going off the deep end? Was she too concerned with intellectual sense? What if it led her down the wrong path? I wasn't worried. In fact, I was excited because I knew as long as she was questioning the Bible, she was in it. In trying to prove her points, she was bound to run into the Author before long. She sought her answers in Scripture alone and because of that, she would eventually get them. One cannot become lost when they look for answers in God's Word.

He will seek Me and find Me when he seeks Me with all his heart.



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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Why are you a Christian?

Every day I run across something that makes me go, "hmmmm" and today is no exception. (No comments from the peanut gallery, please!) Shalene posted an interesting e-mail interchange on her blog that challenged me. She was asked "Why are you a Christian?" The man asking thought it illogical and outdated to have such belief. It got me thinking about what I would say. Shouldn't I have a ready reply?

I actually struggled with this last summer. How do you explain God? There is no logical explanation. Even God says, "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." I can't prove His existence and yet I can't deny Him either. WHY?

I know I am changed. He touched my heart telling me I was more than a shy, little, fat girl. He told me He had plans for me and nothing is a mistake. The words in the Bible move me like no other. They stir my spirit and entice me to believe at all costs and beyond rational thinking. It doesn't make sense. I know that full well, yet I can't help it. Nothing else gives me hope and security. I don't have the emotional mettle to live without Him.

Help me out here. Why are YOU a Christian? What drew you to a relationship with Christ? How would you explain it?



Photo Credit: WTL photos

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Hope

They sit around the room in silence, the only noise being the steady heaving of his chest. Eyes are glued there, waiting for the moment the breathing stops. It has been tough watching him suffer, knowing the only reprieve from pain will be his death. He has been strong and tried to spare them, yet his private agony, that which no one could take away, could clearly be seen in his eyes. And now, he can no longer keep them open. Instead, his struggle is evident in the labored breaths he takes, each one sounding like his last. His end is near.

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.

But the sadness is mixed with joy. They have had time to say what needed to be said. They have been assured of his destiny. They know he gets to go home. He will soon leave this world with its pain and uncertainty and evil. He will be on to a better place and though their hearts will ache for a while, he will be whole again, basking in the glow of heaven, seeing and finally understanding God. And they are happy.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

The waiting is hard, yet thankfulness abounds. This is not all there is. The best is yet to come. Even in the midst of the trial, a gentle hand lifts them up, providing precisely what is needed at this moment. Thank You, Lord, for such mercy.




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Monday, October 22, 2007

It's Not Only About the Clothes



"We women must realize how visual men are, and because of that we should wear modest clothes. Not because we don't have the right to wear what we want, but for the benefit of the spiritual life of
our brothers in Christ."

~ Heather Arnel Paulsen ~
Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart


So would you kick me if I admitted I wanted to yawn at this week's quote? It's not that I don't think modesty is important. I wholeheartedly agree it is an area we need to pay close attention to. I argued with my teenage daughter just yesterday about what she was wearing and made her change her shirt before we left. It's just that this seems like a no-brainer. Don't the women who identify themselves with this group already know this?!

I was more intrigued by the title of the book this quote came from--Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart. How do we keep ourselves emotionally pure? What does that mean for us?

I have male friends, most married, many to good friends of mine. I have shared some pretty personal stuff with a few of them and their wives. They are easy to joke around with and have helped me through hard situations. I have cried with and prayed with a couple of them. I like them, I really do. They are my friends and we connect.

But I wouldn't think of spending time with them apart from our spouses, even for a short period of time. We have to guard ourselves from becoming too emotionally connected. What if one of them experiences marital problems? I could be a sympathetic ear, perhaps even advise him on the mind of a woman, but is it healthy for me to spend time with him? Would it be easy to seek too much comfort in me? Is it right to put him in that situation?

We must not allow ourselves to get into dangerous territory in the name of friendship. If we are married, our relationships with the opposite sex should be diligently kept in check. Friends can turn into lovers. I don't think I'm paranoid. Why else would Internet affairs be rampant? It's not a physical thing, it's an emotional attachment.

Will you join me in being especially careful in your friendships with men? Can you show emotional modesty as well as physical modesty? When in doubt about what to do, don't do it, or at least send your husband instead.


Visit Loni for more impressions of this week's In "Other" Words.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

A Healing Touch

I spent the rehearsal struggling to focus on the words of the songs and trying to let the music drown out the whirring in my mind. I had a hard time forgetting the events of the upcoming week and responsibilities I'd rather ignore. I wondered what was going on in the head of the dear woman sitting next to me. Did she ever feel it took effort to stop thinking? Is it as hard for her to push aside herself as it is for me? How does she maintain her quiet, steady demeanor? I often feel exposed, but I can never quite figure what's going on with her. How does she do it, being guarded, but warm, strong, yet gentle?

Prayer time came, a welcome relief from my inner angst, and we bowed our heads as usual. We've done this lots of times, she and I, together in a group and, I suspect, privately for each other more than the other would guess. But this time, as soon as I shut my eyes, a hand grasped mine. Fingers entwined with my own and a thumb gently caressed the side of my index finger. It was to me an intimate gesture we had never before experienced, uncharted, yet welcome territory. Had she sensed my spirit was low?

When she prayed, she prayed long and hard for my son, for our upcoming college visits, for the decisions to be made. All the while she clutched my hand in a reassuring, calming way.

And I was touched, deeply. How could she know what had been going on in my heart and head? Did she sense the anxiety I have about my son growing up and leaving? Was she aware her gentle, physical touch showed me such love?

She reminds me every little thing matters. A simple prayer, a tender hold on my hand, soothed my soul, told me God was present. Everything is going to be all right.

Thank you, my precious friend. Your quiet, consistent love moves me. You teach me that loving does not require words.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Not just spinning my wheels

Running as if his life depended on it, the hamster went nuts on the little wire wheel, a rodent possessed. When his feet slipped, he regrouped and started up again. What was so compelling about it? Did he think he could reach something better? He just kept going and going and going. . .but getting no where.

I leaned my head close to the cage and whispered, "Hang in there, little guy. I know how you feel."

I've been running too--running the race, fighting the good fight, all that jazz. I've been striving and pressing on and persevering, all that important spiritual sounding stuff. Yet nothing I do seems big enough. If I run a little faster, maybe I'll get there. I tell God, I'm Your girl, God. I'm ready for something big.

But God says, What if this is all there is? Can you be happy with that?

What? Wait. . .no. . .You can't be serious.

What if this IS my big plan for you? Can you accept that?

But, Lord, these things that burn in my heart. . .what about those?

You mean your dreams?

Well. . .yeah. They can't be bad, can they? I want to use them to honor You.

Yes, that's nice and all, but would you be willing to give them up?

Why?

Just because I asked you to.

Wow, that's a tough one, Lord.

I know.

The hamster wheel squeaks and I remember the race, the sameness, the monotony.

You want me to do this forever?

I want you to do whatever I ask.

But it seems so meaningless, Lord.

Let me be the judge of that. The wheel is your exercise, remember? It's never for nothing. It's building your muscles, making you strong.

Yes. . .but sometimes it's exhausting, Lord.

I know.

Sometimes I don't think I can take another step. Am I really cut out for this world, Lord?

God inches in, close enough for the back of my neck to tingle and whispers gently, Trust Me.

My heart beats a little faster.

Trust Me.

I feel the need to kneel.

Trust Me.

What else can I do, Lord? I am Your servant. I love You above all.

With tears in my eyes, I get back on the wheel and keep moving, remembering that he who loves God obeys Him. May Your will be done, Lord.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Growing Up is Hard to Do

As a teenager, she spent a lot of time praying for God's intervention in her life, hoping against all odds He would do what seemed to her impossible. Each morning she awoke excited, filled with anticipation of seeing what God might do that day. She saw her greatest desires fulfilled and was confident in God's love, but something unexpected happened.

She grew up.

Now a woman, she asks herself what happened to her wonder of God. She longs for the feeling of total dependence she once had. What is it about adulthood that clouds her vision and makes her cynical? Why is God constantly reminding her to trust Him? Shouldn't it be second nature? What is it about becoming an adult that steals the magic, the confidence, the hope?

She recalls prayers answered in difficult ways. She knows the passing years have brought added responsibilities. Her mind is flooded with unresolved situations, heart ache, and the tough realities of life. There has never been any question God loves or has the power to do anything, but a haunting will He? She does not doubt, but experience has taught her not to count on it either. You can't be disappointed if you don't expect it.

Too much trying to figure it all out, too much wanting to know why. Not enough. . .there it is again. . .not enough trust, not enough resting in His plan.

Can she regain the child-like faith that believed wholeheartedly in God's love and power? Only one way. She appeals to her Loving God.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.


And then she chooses what is right. . .regardless of her feelings. She CHOOSES to believe. She CHOOSES to trust. She CHOOSES to press on, even if only for this day.

Forgive us, Lord, for our short-sightedness, for our impatience. Make us like children again, without worry of the future, fully trusting You. Hold our hands. Guide us with Your counsel and take us into glory.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Taking our breath away



She usually starts waving the moment she sees me and has a little skip in her step as she makes her way to the van, but this day she gave me a half-hearted grin and got in quickly. We pulled away from the school and she spilled.

"Mom, you know what happened in library today?"

"What?"

"Our library teacher gave us a Halloween sheet, so I asked her if I could just check out a book and read it instead of doing the sheet. I told her we didn't celebrate Halloween. I didn't say anything to anybody else, but Madison overheard me talking to the teacher and said, 'What do you mean you don't celebrate Halloween? Why don't you celebrate Halloween?' 'I just don't,' I told her. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, but she just kept saying stuff like, 'You SHOULD celebrate it. Well, what do you do? What, do your parents think it's too scary for you? Are you scared of it, Keeli?' Then the rest of the class heard her and they all started asking questions too and I was the only one who didn't celebrate it. I was the only one."

And the tears came.

What could I say? My heart ached that a decision she had no part in caused her to experience this kind of grief. I racked my brain the whole way home trying to find a comforting or encouraging word. My hug on our way into the house only caused the tears to fall faster.

"I'm sorry, honey. That's a hard place to be in."

Suddenly a verse popped in my head that seemed like a hard concept for a nine-year-old to grasp. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

I had nothing else for the poor girl, so we looked at the verse together and then found it in the Message where it reads, Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors.

"Do you understand what that is saying, honey? It's a good thing when stuff like this happens. It means God is working in you."

"So, it's supposed to make my faith better?"

"Yep. I know that doesn't make it easier, but maybe knowing God is working will help you."

"He'll make me stronger?"

"Mmm hmm. You're never alone, you know. God is always there and He's WAY bigger than Madison."

"Yeah, she's nothing compared to God. She doesn't even come up to His knees."

"She's like a pinky toe compared to Him."

She laughed and started flipping through our devotional book. "Could we look for a story about this and read it?" She searched the bottom corners of the pages for the thought of the day.

"Oh, honey, that'll take too long. Let's just do today's page."

We found the correct date and both gasped.

"Mom, look," she said wide-eyed, pointing to the bottom left corner where it said, "Make Pearls out of Difficulties".

I scanned the devotional, finding it was about how pearls start out as painful irritants. Then my eyes darted to the bottom right hand corner for the memory verse. Oh my. No way.

Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

"Whoa. . .Mom, that had to be God, right? Only God could do that."

"Yeah. That's weird." I could hardly believe my eyes. She beat me to the logical conclusion.

"Who says God's not real?"

"Wow. You see how big He is?!"

"Yeah." She leaned over and gave me a big hug, hanging on tight.

"That's so cool, isn't it?" I said, pulling her back to look her in the face.

Her eyes were misty and it took all she had not to cry again, this time out of sheer joy. It was almost too much for her tender little spirit to handle.

"Are you okay, honey?"

"Yeah." She picked up a pencil and wrote on the bottom of the page, "A miracle happened!"

"I'm leaving that there, Mom. That's cool."


You can find more Carnival entries at Windows to My Soul.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

When Little is Big

I've been feeling itchy lately. I feel like there's something I'm missing, or rather, missing out on. I've been praying for God to give me something new, something different, something more to do for Him. (I know, I know, what am I thinking?!) Maybe it's that my kids are getting older which, dagnabbit, means I'm getting older too. I've wondered if it's a midlife crisis thing, wishing I had made more of a mark in my lifetime, feeling insignificant putting "Homemaker" on forms. All I know is I wish for something BIG to do for God.

Because I know myself, I realize this restlessness may not come from a pure desire to proclaim God, but a longing to be recognized as doing something great. And I hate that too. So I've been praying for more opportunities or different opportunities to be used by God, but I've told Him I won't go looking for them. If that is what He wants, He'll have to bring them to me. Only then will I know it is of Him and not my own selfish desires.

Then yesterday, I was sitting with a friend, listening to her air her frustrations and concerns. She wasn't looking for advice, but needed a sympathetic, nonjudgmental ear. Though I understood her pain, I felt helpless to do anything about it and wondered how my involvement made a difference. Then God whispered to me "Don't you see? This is important to me. This IS a big thing."

As I prepared for Bible study and later soaked in the voices of wisdom and experience from Godly women, God said it again, "THIS is big."

This afternoon I waited in a doctor's office for more than an hour. I listened to a woman basically process her divorce out loud. It all started with my innocent, "How have you been?" After she was called back, I got frustrated with the long wait. I watched my kids entertain themselves quietly, wondered what to make for dinner, and thought of a million other things I could be doing. And God struck again, "This is big to Me. Being humble, putting yourself behind the needs others is important." Leaving with the new appointment I sighed thinking about all such commitments our family has to get to in the next week and God said, "You honor Me by taking care of others."

I want my service to God to be less ho-hum. I want it to be exciting and inspiring and full of the awareness of His Spirit. I know that can happen, because it has before, but God wants more from me. He wants me to be faithful in all things, whether they bring tingles or only a half-hearted smile.

"We are not built for the mountains and the dawns and aesthetic affinities, those are for moments of inspiration, that is all. We are built for the valley, for the ordinary stuff we are in, and that is where we have to prove our mettle."
~ Oswald Chambers


I honor God by being faithful, faithful to what He has given me. Sometimes that may mean an exciting opportunity, but mostly it means persevering in the ordinary, developing a spirit of service and getting rid of my own selfishness. I prove my love and point to my Lord when I trudge through the every day with a sense of divine calling.

Lord, forgive me for missing the big opportunities you place before me every day. Forgive me for wanting more. May I be faithful to what You have given me. May I bring You joy and glory in the little things.





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Sunday, October 07, 2007

Oh, the strange conversations at our house. . .



"I have an announcement, people," our fourteen-year-old said as we sat down at the dinner table.

"You're a FATTY?!" replied her older brother. I know. Don't get me started. I don't get it either. For some reason this is a word of choice for him. We've learned to tune it out.

"No." (See. Didn't faze her.) "Bobbi and I made an important scientific discovery today."

My husband's eyebrows said, "Now what?"

"You're a FATTY?!"

"No." She is unflappable. "You know the aliens in cartoons?"

"How are cartoons science?" Her younger brother exchanged the look with the other two kids. Let the games begin.

"Wait, just hear me out." Here we go. Her hands have assumed their debating positions. Everyone scoot back a titch.

"You believe in aliens?!"

"Hey, Mrs. C. said they could be out there, just like us, wondering how we're surviving, but you're missing the point."

"IS there a point?"

"Yes. We made an important discovery. I'm trying to tell you. You know how aliens in cartoons have high voices?"

"So you think cartoons are REAL?"

She can hardly stay in her seat. It's just too easy to get her going.

"No, stop. Just listen. Okay. . . "

"How do you even know there is such a thing as aliens?" Even the youngest couldn't resist some action.

"They could be. How would a third-grader know? Anyway, if you'd just let me finish. . ."

"How long is this story going take?"

"Let me tell you!"

Time for mercy. "Okay, what important scientific discovery did you make today?"

"We figured out why aliens in cartoons have high voices."

We gotta give. "Why?"

"It's because when stars explode they emit helium."

Oh, brother. Do you think we need to take them out more?

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Mom's Overture by Anita Renfroe

Hey, let's try this again. For some reason, the first time I loaded this clip it only worked for a few hours. Just in case you missed it, here it is again.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Expecting or Accepting?

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We have lived under the same roof for twenty-one years. We have feared together and cheered together. We have shared heartbreak and sorrow, joy and exhilaration. We have laughed and cried and talked and dreamed and opened ourselves wide to one another. We've even survived parenting four children (at least so far), yet there are times I look across the room at my husband and wonder who he is. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love him, very much. He is God's greatest miracle and richest blessing to me. He is a good guy, smart and funny, loving and thoughtful, amazingly talented and devoted to God, but. . .well. . .

. . .sometimes I just don't get him.

Does he really not think about things I think about? Is it possible he honestly doesn't notice stuff? He can really tune things completely out like that? Really?! How can that be? How can we be so compatible, yet so different? Shouldn't I be getting this marriage thing down by now?

I think the problem is that I EXPECT instead of ACCEPT. I expect him to notice things instead of accepting he may not. I expect to be the object of his complete adoration (I'm supposed to be his queen, right?), instead of accepting I can't be, only God should be. When I am bothered by some issue in our marriage, I expect him to change instead of accepting who he is. I cannot expect and accept at the same time, can I? I have to ask myself, which is more loving?

May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.
Romans 15:5-7


If I want a strong union, I've got to follow God's principles. I've got to quit expecting and start accepting. It's the only way for our marriage to bring glory to God. Now I get that in my head, but practically. . .well, that's going to take a little practice. I can take heart, though, that if God ordains it, He will provide the training. Hmmm. . .doesn't sound so fun, huh?

So how will accepting change my day to day actions? Instead of wondering why he didn't notice, I'll accept he didn't and communicate better. Instead of expecting him to sense my mood, I'll accept he may not and move on, focusing on the truth that it was nothing personal. Instead of expecting his assistance, I'll accept he's had a long day too and humbly ask for help. Before I give too much more of myself away, I'll quit here. You get the picture.

Will you join me? Will you accept instead of expect?


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