Some Things You Have to Do By Yourself

She's laid in a hospital bed hundreds of miles from home since the middle of January without an end in sight. I can pray for her and her family, and I do so constantly. I can send encouraging words and help with her kids and donate money for expenses. But I can't do it for her. I can't take her place for even one day.

Some things you have to do by yourself.

I got asked to speak at a MOPS meeting and I rallied my troops, asking for prayers from my faithful warriors, but they couldn't write the speech for me. Their prayers buoy me, motivate me, inspire me, calm me, but when the day came, they couldn't walk up to the podium with me.

Some things you have to do by yourself.

I know the anxiety that keeps her awake at night. I can sit up with her, tell her all the right things, distract her as much as possible, pray with her, but I can't make her mind stop racing. I can't shut off the worry, the uncertainty. I can't make it go away.

Some things you have to do by yourself.

I understand the pressure of his responsibility. I help as much as I can. I stand alongside. I support. I listen. I work. But the buck doesn't stop with me. I don't make the final decisions or give account for every penny spent. I can be done when I choose to be. He is only done when the job is finished.

Some things you have to do by yourself.

These tough things wear on us and we wish we could pass the baton to someone else, but it's okay really, good even, to have to do some things yourself. It's God's opportunity to reveal Himself to YOU. You feel firsthand the strength of prayer. You have the front row seat to a miracle. You sense your active part in God's grand plan. You learn His promise to never leave you or forsake you. You take His hand, breath deeply and allow His power to flood over you. The blessing comes to YOU.

Some things you have to do by yourself.

But it's in the alone times that God's Word comes alive. Only then do we understand "he will never leave you nor forsake you" and KNOW it is meant for us. When we are all by ourselves, the strength must be attributed to Him.

Some things you have to do by yourself.

But God is faithful. He will make Himself known.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5

What have you had to do by yourself? Did you see God as a result?



Photo Credit: aussiegall

A Choice

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.”

Habakkuk 3:17-19

It's a lot easier to "rejoice" when things are good. But when things are bad, I plead, not praise. It's in my nature to be joyful when I like what I see before me, but very unnatural to celebrate God when I fear the future.

But Habakkuk teaches us joy is a choice, not a feeling. Will I CHOOSE to honor God despite the rocky road ahead? Will I set my mind on His goodness instead of my bleakness? Will I trust instead of fret?

Will I rest in who He is instead of what He does or does not do?

Can I be honest and say I don't want to work that hard? I don't want pain or anxiety. I want easy. But easy is not best. Easy doesn't teach or mold. Easy isn't love in the long run. God loves us enough to teach us trust.

He loves us enough to show us how to love HIM, not just His blessings.

Joy is a choice, a decision, an act of my will, a showing of my devotion and trust in a very good God. I love Him by choosing joy, especially when I don't feel it.

Will you love Him too? Will you choose joy in any circumstance?


Visit MiPa at Miriam Pauline's Monologue for more writings on this quote.



Photo Credit: 'Camera baba'

Home

Quiet conversations in bed, words slow and trailing off, limbs tangled, body heat warming us to sleep.

Home.

No need for explanation. Fully understanding the problem, but willing to listen to it all over again anyway.

Home.

Familiar routines, endearing quirks. Enduring annoying habits.

Home.

Acceptance without performance or expectation. Belief, space, availability, preference. Knowing you'd be chosen first, but not having to be or insisting upon it.

Home.

Silent car rides, each of us lost in our own thoughts, his hand finding mine.

Home.

Laughter and tears. Not having to worry about being misunderstood.

Home.

"I love you" and "I know" and healing hugs. "I miss you," though we see each other every day.

Home.

Knowing glances and gentle touches and sighs upon coming together.

Home.

God makes two into one, providing fertile soil for both to bloom, supplying comfort and support and rest.

Home.

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh.

Genesis 2:24

Home.

Not a physical place, but a dwelling of the heart.

How would you describe home?

7 Quick Takes (Volume 172)

1) The biggest news in our house this week was the arrival of a new nephew/cousin! Welcome Lawton Robert Kubik, born three weeks early at 8.5 pounds, 22 inches.

Isn't he just the sweetest thing ever?! We are SOOOOOO happy for you, Jeff and Trisha!

2) I got my computer back (Thank you, Brent!), but now I'm making up for lost time and killing my eyes! They have been SO SORE. By the end of the day, I've got eyeliner and mascara smeared all over from rubbing them. And I'm probably breaking up tissue around my eyes, causing more wrinkles.

Who says there are no occupational hazards for writers? Extra wrinkles around tired raccoon eyes and don't forget about spreading backsides. I have been using a stability ball for a chair sometimes, but I'm still on my rear. That can't be good.

3) I've thoroughly enjoyed playing reeds in a community theater production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. It's been nice having a little more room to work this year. In past productions the orchestra was sitting so close that the flute neared my nose and the spit that ran out the end of it fell on my lap. Ew. Good thing the flute player and I like each other! This year we're spread out more and one night the flute player said, "Tami, I thought of you tonight during the show"

"Why is that?" I asked.

"I got spit on MY leg!"

4) I thought our car woes were over when we got our van and Ladies Man's car back from the shop, but both vehicles had to be taken back.

First, Kevin went to use the windshield wipers on the van when he found the wiper fluid squirters (surely there's a more technical term, but it escapes me) to be crossed. He tried to clean the front window, only to lose about a gallon of fluid dripping down the back window. So he tried the back window squirter and, presto, got his front windshield cleaned. It was no big deal and we got it fixed right away, but it required another stay at the body shop.

Then the power steering went out of Ladies Man's car. We thought it was fixed and I drove it to meet a friend when suddenly it was out again. Who knew you could get a workout backing a car out of a parking stall? I am not kidding you. By the time I got that puppy out of the lot I was breathing heavy. And I think I'm in shape. Psht.

You realize, don't you, that this means I spent a significant amount of time in the truck again, enough time that I'm no longer worried about providing a smooth ride for anyone. I'm gonna rumble through town unashamed, bouncing all over the cab. I shove that gear stick around, proving I am the boss. I am woman. Hear me roar!

If that last statement scared you, especially those of you who live in my town, rest assured, all our vehicles are back. You do not need to fear a crazed dark-haired woman running you over in a white truck.

5) Poor Ladies Man spent all week down with rotten sinus infection, so Kevin was left to suffer through P90X himself. Tuesday was Kenpo-x and I was all in, baby. That workout is my very favorite. Kicking and punching all these imaginary foes brings out the ninja in me.

Wait. Maybe this is why I was manhandling the truck.

6) Kevin listens to NPR, that's National Public Radio for you folks with a less stuffy taste in music. They play classical music and offer talk shows that drip with condescension. Yeah. I'm not a big fan.

I must defend myself by telling you how I was introduced to NPR. One summer when I was in college I got a gig playing in the orchestra for a theater production of South Pacific. Most of the players came from the North Carolina School of the Arts and in our free time they would play name that tune with NPR. I was a music geek, but not a music major exposed to classic music repertoire, so their little game left me feeling stupid all of the time. All. Of. The. Time.

Fast forward a year or so and my fiance, who was now a music major, started playing the same game in the car on dates. I believe I've developed some kind of Pavlovian response now. Whenever I hear the hushed tones of the announcers on NPR I feel like an idiot.

Despite my feelings toward NPR, I humor my husband and say nothing. I really try to be a good wife. I calmly switch the station back to KLOVE once he leaves the vehicle. I patiently endure "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" and "All Things Considered." I used to listen to "The Writer's Almanac" each morning, but Garrison Keilor reads too much poetry I don't get and those moronic feelings resurfaced. Occasionally I force myself to listen to some of the music when Kevin's not with me, telling myself it's good for my cultural health. I do try.

But when Drama Queen made the following announcement, I secretly cheered inside.

Drama Queen: Hey, Dad, I figured out what NPR stands for.

Kevin: Yeah, what?

Drama Queen: Nerd People Radio

I couldn't help it. I laughed. Go ahead and give me the bad wife award for the week. Does it help that I tried to make up for it by cooking better this week? Nerd People Radio. Ha. Idiots unite!

7) And speaking of Drama Queen, she celebrates her 19th birthday on Sunday. What a beautiful woman this spunky girl has grown into. We are blessed to call her ours.

We're proud of you, babe. LOVE YOU! So much.

And with that, I'm calling it a day. I hope you all enjoy your weekend. Take a gander at more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

A Splash of Color

Nearly every time I pull in the driveway, they are there, catching my attention. An otherwise drab, winter day is interrupted with a splash of color in the barren branches of a scraggly bush.

The cardinals rest there, their bright red feathers a contrast to the greys of the season. They sit there and as I come and go from my house, I am drawn to that little surprise. I'm always taken aback.

They make me think of the Holy Spirit. Is that what He does in me? Is He the splash of color in an otherwise ordinary, plain person? Isn't it Him that catches the attention of others, that draws them in? I am just a thorny bush. He is the cardinal.

When I look for synonyms of cardinal, I find these words: fundamental, basic, main, chief, primary, crucial, pivotal, prime, principal, paramount, preeminent, highest, key, essential.

I can't help but smile. It's too perfect.

The Holy Spirit IS the cardinal, the fundamental, the primary, the principle, the preeminent, the highest, the key.

Any good that may be found in me, anything noteworthy or eye-catching is Him. It's His splash of color in me.

He is the cardinal.

Are His colors showing in you?



Photo Credit: Marcos Vasconcelos Photography

Everybody Has A Story

Everybody has a story.

Behind the charming smile, the pleasant demeanor, the capable persona, is a person who has lived in an imperfect world, trying to make the best of it. There's history, maybe an ugly one. They may have overcome years of hurt, or personal tragedy or survived a harrowing experience.

They have lived life. Who knows where they've come from or what they're dealing with today? They may have overdrawn their checking account or be sleeping in a separate room from their spouse. They may live with shame over a past act or not get along with their mother. Their troubles may have kept them up half the night. They may suffer with an illness you can't detect. An event from childhood may haunt them. They may be exhausted from caring for an elderly parent or sick child. They may wonder how they'll get through another day, but push themselves to do so.

Everybody has a story.

They don't think they measure up either and are hoping you don't notice. They find you just as intimidating as you do them. They long to fit in and be helpful and say the right thing. They want to be special and significant and possess a distinct purpose in life. They want their time on earth to matter too. They question themselves and sigh at their mirror and hope they're doing a good job raising their children. They look at you and envy one of your good qualities.

Everybody has a story.

And yet, we assume they're more "together" than we are. We can't imagine they have any problems at all. We envy their "perfect" lives. We hide our own insecurities thinking they wouldn't understand or think less of us. We isolate instead of communing they way God intended us to, all because of perceptions which probably aren't true.

Everybody has a story.

There is no such thing as a perfect life. Like gold and silver purified in fire, that beautiful person you see is a result of much refining. They have prayed out in desperation, shed many tears and keep picking themselves up to do the next thing. They are a work in progress.

Just like you.

Everybody has a story.

Can you look beyond the exterior? Can you change your assumptions remembering no one gets through life pain free?

Can you remember everybody has a story?



Photo Credit: Clipartpal

The Secret To Being Content

I get tired of earth, don't you?

There's bills and illness and sadness and tragedies and difficult relationships and crises and stress. Need I go on? And yet, God tells us we need to be content in any circumstance.

. . . I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:11-13

Stupid Paul. He makes the rest of us look bad.

But what is the secret he learned? How can we be content in any situation?

Is it fair of God to expect that of us when we're struggling? How can I be content when my budget doesn't work or when a loved one is taken from me or when someone I care for is sick? How do I cultivate a spirit of contentment when all seems hopeless?

Stupid Paul said it best.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

You gotta give it to the guy. He's one smart cookie.

We can be content when we remember that this is not all there is. I gain reassurance and hope by knowing this life is temporary. I won't be here forever. The best is yet to come.

“Being content does not mean we are satisfied. In fact, to be content is to know we will always be groaning on this side of eternity. Yet when we believe that fullness will come, that there is more than this life, we live with contentment.”

Lisa Graham McMinn, The Contented Soul
(found in devotional, Mornings with Jesus, January 30th’s devotion)

The secret to being content? Fix your eyes on the eternal. Remember this is not all there is.

How will you practice being content today?


For more In Other Words posts, visit Loni at Writing Canvas.



Photo Credit: Sentrawoods.

7 Quick Takes (Volume 171)

1) You may have noticed I've been MIA this week. My beloved little laptop crashed on me Monday morning. This was especially sickening because I worked all weekend on a little talk I'm supposed to give this coming Monday and was nearly done when, POOF! MANY pages of notes were gone. I also have a major writing project that needs to be done by the first week in March. I was already WAY behind and then lost what little I had done, not to mention the time I lost as I waited to see what could be retrieved. Can you say meltdown?

It ended up being another one of those times my own words flung back in my face. You'll never believe what the title for my talk is.

Only God Makes Good of Everything!

By Wednesday I could find the humor in that.

2) Lucky for me, I have good friends who know more about this computer stuff than me. One friend was able to retrieve the files I was pressed to work on, while another has figured out how to fix it. Kevin's laptop actually crashed about a month ago with a fried hard drive. Because of its age, we decided it wasn't cost effective to fix it. The hard drive on my computer is fine, but another issue makes it not worth the expense to fix, so my friend is going to take the hard drive out of my computer and put it into his. If I understand this correctly, I'll have my computer back with a different body.

As a friend of mine said, "Resurrection!"

There is no end to the spiritual lessons here, is there?

3) I set a brand new stick of butter at the dinner table and after Ladies Man used it, it looked like this.

Me: What did you do to the butter?

Ladies Man:I had to show I was a man.

Me: To the butter?!

Ladies Man: Yeah. It gave me a dirty look.

I guess we all need to watch ourselves around him. He's feeling pretty manly now that P90X is starting to show in his body. Don't look at him the wrong way!

4) I started to get a big head this week as every time I drove by, people on the street turned to look at me. Am I that charismatic, that appealing?

Then I realized I was driving our noisy truck.

5) The older our kids get, the harder it is to get our whole family together at the same time. We were trying to hook up with Drummer Boy and Drama Queen last week for lunch and due to conflicting schedules only managed to find a one hour window where we could all be together. But my heart was encouraged that everyone wanted to make it work. It is the biggest surprise of my life that my children actually like each other. Who knew when Drama Queen was knocking little Ladies Man over as a baby, that one day she'd think he was all that and want to hang out with him? Perhaps real bonding was happening as the older three drug Miss Innocent One by her feet all over the floor telling me, "She likes it!" I guess kids can forgive each other for stealing the best seat in the van and eating the last piece of pizza. At the time I wondered if I'd be able to make it through some days, but it's SOOO satisfying now.

6) Congratulations to Miss Innocent One and her middle school show choir which got second place in a show choir competition this week in Omaha. I'd show you pics, but I'm the lammo mother who forgot her camera. Here's one I swiped off of Facebook. Miss Innocent One is smack dab in the middle in front of the boys in the black shirts.

Don't they look smashing? LOVE their outfits.

7) I've had a blast this week rehearsing with the orchestra for a community theater production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. The show takes place in the 1920's so there's tons of great jazz licks. I keep busy swapping my clarinet, soprano sax and alto sax throughout. The show runs this weekend and next for those of you who live nearby. I can't tell you what the show looks like as we are completely hidden back stage, but it sounds good.

Have a terrific weekend friends and catch more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

For the Sake of the Union

It's hard to talk about, so I avoid it.

But it keeps nagging at me, making me snap at him for no reason, which really isn't fair. How can he address it, if he doesn't know about it?

But I don't want to be the naggy wife, the one to bring up problems. He never has anything for me to work on. Does it mean I'm demanding, selfish, expect too much? Am I making too much of nothing?

But it doesn't go away.

I give myself all kinds of reasons why I shouldn't mention it. It's my problem, not his. Maybe I'm not loving unconditionally. We've talked about it before and didn't get anywhere. It makes us both defensive. There's no way to resolve it really, so what's the point?

But I keep picking at him. I feel like I'm keeping secrets. A little wedge forms between us and I value my marriage too much to let it grow. I've got to bring it up.

And though he doesn't have anything new to say, he listens. I get it off my chest. There's no resolution, but there's honest communication. And when I see him making new efforts in the coming days, I know I've been heard.

It was worth the risk.

I see that even if he can't solve the problem, he shows he loves me. My jabbing stops. The distance fades. We are one again.

Do you ever keep things from your spouse, fearing the confrontation, hurt feelings, a possible argument? Does it help to keep it in?

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands.

Proverbs 14:1

Are you tearing down your own house by not calmly talking about it? Can you take a risk for the sake of your marriage?

7 Quick Takes (Volume 170)

1) It's been Adventures With Vehicles Week at our house. We scheduled our van to get the deer damage repaired and the day before it went in, Ladies Man's car sprouted some weird power issue. We took both vehicles into the shop the same day, leaving us with a junky, run down truck we couldn't all fit into. No worries, though. We knew it was temporary and might be inconvenient, but we could make it work. But then Kevin came home and said the battery in the truck was acting up.

Now I must tell you that car problems are one of my biggest anxieties in life. Not only do they leave you stranded, but you can bet they'll cost you at least a hundred bucks. I told Kevin the other night that when I become a widow (yes, I've already decided he's going to die first) I'm going to need a really nice car that I don't have to worry about. I want dependability in my transportation, I tell you!

So one might think I was in a state of alarm about our vehicle situation (and I was for a brief moment), but when I thought about the irony of ALL of our vehicles having issues in the same week, it was just plain funny. I mean, what are the odds?

So we hold our breath every time we start the dumb thing and I've learned not to panic when I get a half-hearted moan out of the ignition. I just try again. And it hasn't let us sit yet. When it does start up, the whole neighborhood knows, as the muffler must be shot. Every day Miss Innocent One announces Kevin is home from work before he's even in the driveway cause you can hear him coming. It just goes to show you life is about perspective. Last week we found the muffler annoying. This week it's a joyous indication we may get where we need to go.

2) Another annoying distinguishing characteristic about the truck is its manual transmission. With the loud muffler I'm reminded of little boys playing with toy trucks and the noises they make as the gears shift. It sounds like a manly, man truck and I've seen people do a double take when they see me behind the wheel. I even shocked my neighbor one day. The gear shift of this thing is longer than my arm and I can handle it, baby, oh yes I can. But for some reason, Kevin says I'm reckless when I drive it. He says I gun it too fast and leave everyone in the cab flopping. I blame it on bad shocks, but he says otherwise.

If I want some freedom to go anywhere in the day, I've got to drive him to work, which makes him feel like a little boy being dropped off at school by his mommy. So, take that, Mr. Oh-you-stupid-woman-who-thinks-she's-a-truck-driver. Watch it, buddy. I have a truck and I know how to use it!

3) I've strived to be the same person at home that I am outside of our home. I'm not sure if I've achieved it. Half my kids are out of the house now and I see that they read this blog, which makes me wonder if they are ever surprised at what comes out here. Do they read and think, "Who the heck is THAT woman?"

4) Ladies Man had a terrible cold and bugged out of he and Kevin's P90X workouts early in the week, so I took his spot for three sessions to give my poor husband some company and see if I too can develop rock hard abs in a matter of days. Though I'm getting some good workouts (sadly, no wondrous ripples yet), I'm finding it hard to exercise with my husband. We end up laughing at each other too much.

The other day we were doing "banana rolls." You start on your back and lift your arms and legs to the air, making sure your shoulders are off the ground. This may not sound so tough, but try doing it for thirty seconds, then rolling to your hip and holding it without letting your limbs touch the floor and repeating the process for what seems like forever. Every time we rolled, Kevin let out a grunt and I couldn't help but laugh which totally destroyed my otherwise impeccable form (yeah, let's say that).

The video itself creates some chuckles. About the time the hot shots on the video are able to reach places you can only dream of, the host says something like, "Now if you can only go to here, that's perfectly fine." Ha! Well it's a good thing! The phrase has permeated every area of our lives. "If you don't want to finish your cereal, that's perfectly fine. If your hair doesn't look up to snuff, that's perfectly fine. If your kid is annoyed with you, that's perfectly fine." Now whenever the guy says it on our DVD, we bust out laughing. When you have to take a laughing break, you're missing out on some muscle building I'm sure.

Hey, maybe that's why my ripples aren't appearing yet. But I'm not sweating it. After all, it's perfectly fine if it takes a few weeks to get incredibly buff.

5) I got an anonymous comment yesterday that has me dumbfounded.

"Have you ever thought about seeking professional psychiatric help? Maybe you should."

Yikes! I don't think I'm crazy and if I am I think I'd rather be blissfully ignorant. This person would be horrified to know how many times I've kicked around the idea of seeking an advanced degree in counseling. To my dear anonymous friend--Please don't worry about me. I think I'm okay. I may overanalyze a bit, but I live a happy, blessed life. And if I'm slipping, I have full confidence in the quality people around me who would get me help.

6) Somehow the school system continually gyps us out of Valentine's Day. I can't tell you how many Valentine's Days we have spent at parent-teacher conferences. This year we were happy to see conferences scheduled the week before, but still weren't out of the woods. They scheduled a high school band concert instead. Boo.

It's okay, really. We've rarely celebrated the holiday in a terribly romantic way. We've always had a rehearsal or Bible study or school event. We're used to it. We usually do something a little early anyway because we got engaged on February 9th. Kevin tells me meant to propose on Valentine's Day, but just couldn't wait. I don't know why, but that always makes me smile.

And yes, we went out for dinner last night since we were able to knock off parent-teacher conferences earlier in the week. He even brought home flowers and while handing them to me said, "Thanks for saying yes." Who can resist that?! Man, I like that guy, even when he mocks my truck driving skills.

7) As I look over today's Quick Takes, I realize there are no long drawn out stories about my kids, no bantering or silly conversations. This gives me great hope. I may still have a life after they all leave.

Unless I'm in the funny farm.

Have a great weekend, friends, and find more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

Are You Looking For Rescue or Relationship?

In the dark of night, my restless soul convinces me problems are larger than life. Panic grips my heart and I'm quite certain I can't handle it. "Help, God! Lord, save me," I think. And I wait for His rescue.

He doesn't come, so I utter it again.

"Lord, You promise You'll be with me wherever I go. I need You now."

Peace doesn't flood my body.

"Are You coming, Lord? Where are You?"

Nothing. I expect Him to swoop in, to relieve my anxiety, and I really believe He can, but when He doesn't, I'm left struggling, floundering, disappointed.

Why doesn't He come?

Doesn't He say, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest?" (Matthew 11:28) I'm coming. I'm weary and burdened. Where is the rest?

Come: to move or travel toward

If I'm laying in bed waiting for His relief, how am I moving or traveling toward Him? Do I want the supernatural so I don't have to do anything? I'm calling out to Him, but is that truly coming? Am I asking Him to do all the work?

Am I seeking His rescue, but not Him?

When I pray out in desperation, I'm really asking for resolution quickly. What if He wants more for me? What if He'd rather let me suffer some for the sake of developing a relationship, an ongoing source of hope and peace? Does He withhold immediate relief so I keep coming back? Does He love me that much?

Which would you rather have--immediate rescue or permanent relationship?



Photo Credit: {Balazs}

Retaining Me

I like to think I am better now than I've ever been.

I mean, I should be, right? Shouldn't I have grown spiritually, emotionally, mentally through the years? Shouldn't I have learned from my mistakes and gotten wiser and gained greater trust in God through my experiences? Shouldn't I know more, be more? Isn't God transforming me? Shouldn't I be different?

But when I cross paths with people I knew ten years ago, twenty years ago, a lifetime ago, I can't say I see it. I talk to old friends, wondering if they notice my progress, yet our conversations fall in similar patterns, we take up our old roles and I realize the essence of who we are hasn't changed that much. I may have improved, but it isn't a marked difference.

I want to look back and see huge progress, great strides, triumphs and victories, success, but I only see a little smarter version of who I was at ten. Sometimes that bothers me. If I'm not remarkably altered, how will others see God's touch in an ordinary person?

I look in the mirror and though the image gets older, the inside feels the same. I will always be the shy girl sitting in the corner observing what's going on, soaking in the body language, understanding what's NOT being said, feeling present, but not a part. I will always wonder where others get their moxie, their appeal, their strength. I will always recognize others know more, do more, ARE more than me.

Will I ever outgrow that?

Yet, I am "fearfully and wonderfully made." God had a reason for designing me as He did. If I don't resemble the original me, if I don't retain qualities consistent with me, if I "grow" so much that little Tami is no longer there, have I missed being His unique creation?

I am Tami, the woman who overthinks everything, dreams of the beautiful and romantic, and longs for escape. That doesn't change when I learn how to forgive or put myself out there or take a risk. Needing time alone to think is a permanent need in my psyche, even though I've developed good, healthy relationships. There's nothing wrong with it. It's me. And it's okay.

Because God wants to use me just like I am now AND when He's done some transforming work. I am His creation He continues to teach and mold, but I will always be Tami.

His Tami. The one He created for a reason, with purpose and a specific design. He wants to make me more like Him, but He still wants me.

His touch has been significant. His shy little girl now leads Bible studies and sings in front of hundreds of people every week (with my eyes closed, but still doing it!). I've held people while they cried and marveled at how many spill their guts to me. Listening has taught me what questions to ask and how to ask them. I've felt God bring the right words and mustered up the courage to say them. I AM changed, but my essence is the same. It has to be the same, for He made me that way. He's working on me, for sure, but His work serves to make Tami more like Jesus.

Though I may not recognize it, there is a difference. God is transforming my mind, but not my essence.

Do you ever get frustrated you aren't changing more for God? Could it be He only wants to change your thinking patterns, not your essence?



Photo Credit: manolo guijarro

How Do You Stay in Love Forever?

A room full of young, expectant eyes rested on me for an answer.

How do you stay in love with the same person your whole life?

Oooh. Good question. How do you explain a lifelong process to 15-year-olds? How do you sum up years of moments, choices, resolutions? My mind quickly scanned twenty-five years with the same man. What have we learned? What is critical? What cultivates lasting love?

Keep realistic expectations.
Romantic nights in front of the fireplace are not the norm. It can happen. It might happen, but expecting them will not only leave me disappointed, but put too much pressure on him to perform. Doesn't unconditional love mean no strings attached?

Be more concerned about serving him than being served.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus

Philippians 2:4-5

This was not my favorite marriage lesson. Aren't I supposed to be his queen? Should I have to do all the work? I can't expect anything out of him? But love is not self-seeking (God said so in 1 Corinthians 13:5). I have noticed when I work hard to please him, he remembers the kindness and one day may return it. Even if he doesn't, I have done the right thing.

Let him love Christ more than me.
This one can be especially tough because often it takes him away from me, feeling called by God to serve outside our home. But if he seeks to honor God, I can be sure he'll know how to love me best.

Make each other a priority.
We have a standing lunch date every Tuesday and often go out for coffee on his day off. We try to schedule an evening date at least once a month. We go away for a night or two a few times a year. As our kids have gotten older they complain about us going without them, but we tell them we're doing them a favor when we purpose to strengthen our union. If he and I are good, our family is good, secure, lasting.

Don't forget the little things.
We keep loving feelings alive in small ways, like picking up a Pepsi for him before rehearsal or him bringing home flowers or me making his favorite meal for dinner. On an ordinary Tuesday. It's him ordering the perfect drink for me while I'm in the bathroom and me not getting in a snit about his clothes which don't make it to the laundry basket.

It means consistently asking, "You okay?" It's my hand on his chest at night and his hand patting my hip as he walks by in the day. It's saying, "I'm sorry" and starting fresh and believing the best. It's sitting close and listening and laughing and remembering. It's appreciating quiet car rides and offering to dish out the ice cream and talking past midnight. It's "I miss you"s and "I love you"s. Often.

Staying in love forever means staying engaged forever--attentive, thoughtful, focused--both on each other and a brilliant God who binds man and woman together perfectly.


What would you tell a bunch of teenagers about staying in love forever?

See what others think by reading more Marriage Monday posts at Chrysalis.

7 Quick Takes (Volume 169)

1) I gotta give credit where credit is due. Kevin and Ladies Man are still working hard at P90X, getting up each weekday at 6 to do their routine. They are seeing more and more results (dang it!). Ladies Man has new ripples in his triceps and chest and bigger biceps. I told them I thought it probably helped that they were doing it together.

Ladies Man: Yeah, I feel like I can't skip it because I don't want Dad to think I'm a pansy.

Kevin: So if I stop?

Ladies Man: Yeah. You'd be a pansy.

Yes! The good habits may continue!

2) The guys are inspiring me enough to join in with them. I told you last week about doing yoga (See #4). Since then, I've tried kempo-x (which is similar to kickboxing without the bag) and Plyometrics. I really enjoyed kempo-x, but probably could have had more fun with it had I been awake and included all the YAWs with my kicks. If you drive by our house next Saturday and hear ninja noises, it may be me engrossed in defeating my imaginary enemies. Enter at your own risk! The host describes Plyometrics as the mother of all the workouts. I would call it thigh purgatory. How many squats and jumps and lunges can any human complete in one hour's time? TOO MANY! I worried I wouldn't be able to climb the stairs the next day after that workout, but I wasn't as sore as I thought I'd be. And really, even if I was, do you think I'd admit it to them?!

3) Ladies Man was pretty excited when he noticed new definition in his chest. For years he's complained of having "man boobs" or "moobs" for short. Now when he flexes his chest you can see new muscles forming, definitely NOT of the saggy booby variety. Even Miss Innocent One noticed the difference.

Miss Innocent One: Good. Bye. Moobs!

4) And speaking of Miss Innocent One, do you think she has too much time on her hands?

Yes, that's an angry bird she painted herself on her fingernail. Don't ask me how. It's super cute, don't you think?

5) I have submitted myself to a new torture discipline. For years I have watched my kids and others jump on the sudoku craze and frankly I wasn't impressed. I didn't need one more thing to suck my time away. But while stuck in an airport for a few hours last fall, Kevin picked up a book of puzzles and I tried one for the first time. It didn't take long for me to get hooked, but not in a good way. I couldn't believe my ineptness! My teenagers were doing these! Why were they so hard for me? Then while I'm muddling through the EASY level, my friend told me she wished you could get a book with only HARD levels because the others are to easy and she feels like she's wasting her money on the book.

GRRRR. I became obsessed. I have a bachelor of science in mathematics, for crying out loud. Isn't that a smart person's major? Shouldn't I have superior logic skills? Why do I struggle?

It's the same feeling I get when I play chess. I go in hopeful, ready to out-strategize my opponent because I'm supposed to be smart, only to make a stupid move early on and hear "checkmate." I've gotten so frustrated I've actually flung the board and pieces into the air. On more than one occasion. Kevin refuses to play chess with me now because I can't admit he may be smarter than me and just get mad whenever we play.

But if I'm nothing else, I'm persistent. So I work on those stupid sudokus every night. And I am getting better. I can complete a HARD puzzle in my book at home if given enough time. I tackle the ones in the paper each morning, but so far I can only solve the EASY ones. Yesterday morning Kevin laughed as I tackled the INTERMEDIATE.

"I have to," I said, "I will not be stupid. I will not be stupid. I WILL NOT BE STUPID!"

Yes, I realize this is a pride issue, but doesn't research show that keeping your mind sharp is important as you age? I will not be stupid and I will not be old. There. I said it. Judge if you must.

6) I'm sighing right now, wishing I had some hysterical encounter to report about Drummer Boy and Drama Queen, but alas, I haven't seen them (insert droopy lips, sniffs and boos). I did go to plan B and stalk their Facebook pages, but nothing seemed noteworthy there. I even tried to hook up with them while in Lincoln the other day, but they both had class. It just doesn't seem right to complete a Friday Quick Takes without mentioning them so here's a shout out to my college kids. LOVE YOU GUYS!

7) Remember the planking phase our family went through? Ladies Man gave us a new one this week. It's called ostrich-ing (think sticking your head in the sand).


Yes, we are a strange lot, but we enjoy life, my friends. Hope you do too. Check out more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

Becoming a Jewel

She didn't have to say anything. When I walked in the room, I knew.

Life was wearing her down.

Her sagging shoulders, her sighs, her tired eyes told the story.

What do you say when there's nothing you can do, when you've pleaded with God for and with her, when His plan takes time? How do you encourage when you just wish her relief you can't provide?

I know the right answers. You speak truth. You stand alongside. You pray. I try to. I listen and stay positive and remind her where she's come from, but out of her presence I shed my own tears.

This woman does hard and does it regularly. She is beauty. She models faithfulness, perseverance, though she feels defeated. How I treasure her, admire her, look up to her.

And my heart swells with gratitude for a sister who follows His way even when it takes everything out of her, whose Bible lies open on her desk, who WILL push through, though her droopy spirit might lag.

For it's the tough stuff that polishes us, that smooths our rough edges, that reveals His touch. Pressing on will breed a quiet spirit, a restful heart. The heat produces the shine.

And though my heart hurts with hers, I thank God for loving her so much He's cultivating the precious, turning her into a jewel.


Find more Thankful Thursday quotes at Grace Alone.



Photo Credit: tanakawho

Why Am I Like This?

Have you asked that?

Do you get frustrated like I do with the same struggles, same personality flaws, same weaknesses you see in yourself? Do you wonder if God made a mistake somewhere?

Why am I like this?

Why can't I be disciplined, decisive, steady, unemotional? Why must I battle raging hormones and unhealthy urges and a constant beat-myself-up attitude?

Why am I like this?

Then I read verses like this and KNOW I'm a worm.

But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? "Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, 'Why did you make me like this?'" Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use?

Romans 9:20-21

Sigh. I can't win.

But what if the things I hate most in myself, those weaknesses I fight to overcome, have an accompanying strength?

I don't always like my emotional nature which feels everything so deeply, but it makes me compassionate and empathetic. It urges me to comfort, to act. Good things, right? I feel guilty when I worry, but my anxiety pushes me to seek God. I've often wished I were more outgoing, but my introverted nature has made me a good listener. Knowing my ineptness to do anything apart from God allows the Holy Spirit to work powerfully.

Could my angst over what I am NOT, and essentially what I want that I don't have, mask the beautiful I AM? If I dismiss the bad, do I throw out the good? If I accepted how God created me, flaws and all, could I find contentment? If I quit working so hard to be something different, more, better (which is really an attempt to make myself feel better and fit in), would I find true serenity? In trying to change the way God made me, am I missing His gift?

Maybe it's better to embrace all of me, even the things I don't like. He can use every flaw and weakness, every hardship or crisis, to mold me into something only He can imagine. I can whine and complain about it, or I can accept it and wait expectantly for His good.

Can you trust God with your weaknesses?



Photo Credit: wadem