Trusting Him with our Pain

We’re not necessarily
doubting
that God will do the best for us;
we are wondering how
painful
the best will turn out to be.

C.S. Lewis

Before I was even a Christian, I understood God required a lot of His people. I wasn't one of those impulsive converts who goes forward at a revival meeting. I was a slow percolator, weighing whether I had it in me to do this Jesus thing. I figured if I got serious about God, it might involve me being poor or living in Africa or becoming a nun or having to be perfect, none of which I found appealing in the least.

Eventually I decided I had to take the risk. I would never be all I could be without the touch of the Creator. I knew I couldn't figure life out on my own. I needed help. I needed to rely on someone better than me. I needed a Savior.

Because I took my time on the decision, once it was made I was whole hog, completely devoted. I prayed, fully believing every prayer would come to pass, and in the early days many did. I suppose God wanted to establish a track record for the tough times ahead. He wanted me to know He could be relied on, trusted. But once He'd proven Himself faithful, He started answering prayers differently. I got some "wait"s and a few painful "no"s.

But I trusted God. I knew He had my best interests at heart. So I kept praying, believing God could do the impossible. He did, answering my most fervent prayer, my desire for a man who saw and loved all of me, not just my exterior. God's answer, my dear husband, towered over my expectations. I was blessed, humbled and utterly in awe of His provision (still am, btw, my husband will always be my big miracle).

Then came the big whammy. God game me a resounding NO to a prayer I had prayed desperately for DECADES. It shook me to the core and rattled my faith like never before. Why had I prayed so long only for this? How could this NO possibly honor God? Did my years of faithful prayers matter at all?

I started on a new, scary faith walk. I didn't doubt God COULD help me. I doubted that He WOULD. But something important happened in this painful time. I learned God is God. He is not there for my entreaties, to make my life cushy and problem free. He is there for my best and that may hurt, probably WILL hurt. But if I can trust Him to make the best of me, can't I trust Him to help me through the pain too?

Isn't this what faith is, trusting though we don't know the outcome, blindly saying, "Okay, God, whatever. Get me through it"? Though God does not have to prove Himself, He has. He knows best. On the other side of my most painful experiences, I can see how He has molded me into something better. Was it fun? Not on your life. Would I want to do it again? No way. Did it make me better? You know it.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Proverbs 3:5

Can God be trusted, even with our pain? Let all God's people say, "AMEN!"

Visit Jennifer and Scraps and Snippets for more takes on this quote.

Learning from Michael

Somewhere in the cavernous dumping grounds I call my basement, there is a Thriller cassette, but I wouldn't say I'm a huge Michael Jackson fan. I've watched his strange transformation over the years with sympathy really, feeling sorry for the pressure he's endured which shaped his bizarre behavior. His was not a normal life.

No matter what you think of him, you have to give the guy credit for being an amazing artist. Eccentric? Yes. Tormented? Yes. Odd? Yes. Gifted? Absolutely YES!

I've watched some of the coverage surrounding his death and am continually impressed with the way the guy could sing as a child. His evolving dance moves were stunning. His ability to meld the singing and dancing together flawlessly was remarkable. There is no denying he was special.

And I am reminded of Jesus' words: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."

Much was given to Michael Jackson, requiring so much of him. His tremendous talent evoked the interest of Satan, who took every opportunity to plague the guy. I imagine his days full of taunting voices, like walking down a prison hallway, with toothless grins of grimy, crazy people reaching out through the bars for him. No wonder he struggled.

Where was God? I can't imagine God gifting someone like that without making Himself seen. There had to be glimpses of Him before Michael's eyes, didn't there? Were the forces of evil that appealing, convincing Michael he didn't need a loving God? Or were they completely distracting?

Honestly, my heart hurts for Michael Jackson and the countless other artists, musicians, actors and writers, who have succumbed to the weight of their astounding abilities. The power of Satan is strong, my friends, so strong.

What does it mean for us? Each of us is uniquely created. We may not be Michael Jackson, but we are equipped with specific gifts. What happens to us if we listen to the tempting voices to do it our own way and ignore God's leading and direction? Will we slowly become tormented souls whose creative brilliance never reaches its full potential as God intended?

It makes me shudder. I don't want to fall prey to the devil's schemes. What about you?



Jesus' words quoted from Luke 12:48.

Photo credit: manfrys

7 Quick Takes (Volume 39)

1) Don't faint or hyperventilate on me. I know you're not going to believe it, but I accomplished something major last weekend--ONE CLOSET CLEANED!!

2) My daughter actually pulled out her old tankini when her bikini was wet and dirty from the day before. She even sounded so nonchalant about the whole deal, like why wouldn't she take it? Wow, do you have any idea how hard it was to bite my tongue on that one?! I had so many one-liners to wing at her, but kept my cool and said nothing. You better believe the "I told you so"s were flinging all over in my head. It's harder to be smug when you have to be mute about it.

3) My journal was missing for a little over a week and though it may sound weird, I felt out of sorts the whole time. My journal is a place I work out the junk sitting in my head. It's where I leave my anxiety, where I record scripture that touches me (even when I don't know why) and my very best way to communicate with God. I didn't felt like I connected with God very well while it was missing. I know I could have used other paper, but I didn't want my thoughts and prayers scattered all over the messy way they already exist in my head. I need the order of one book at a time.

Am I strange?

4) Proof that I am, indeed, an introvert--I spent hours alone in a hotel room this week and it was heaven, I tell you, HEAVEN! I wanted to sigh every five minutes! Aaahhh. . .the quiet never got old.

5) Are you the kind of person who goes into things with big expectations or small ones? Are you usually disappointed or surprised? I'm trying to tame mine down. I think I'd enjoy life more.

Do you think it has anything to do with your natural disposition? Are you an optimist or pessimist, a glass half full or half empty, a dreamer or a realist? I'm the type who wants to believe the impossible can happen. Does that set me up for disappointment?

6) Talk about feeling old! I received an invitation to a 20 year class reunion of some former STUDENTS of mine! In my defense, I must tell you it was my first job out of college, but still, yikes! Should I feel better or worse seeing those kids balding, gray and with smile lines? My bigger fear? What will they think of me?

7) The hubby and I have been out of town the past few days and will come home tonight. Sigh. I could've used at least one more day.


Well, friends, I hope your weekend is spiffy. Hook up with other Quick Take people on Conversion Diary.

Steps to Connection: Take a Risk

She's obviously upset. My heart wants to ask, but my head says I don't know her that well. Will she take offense? Does she want to be left alone? Will she think I'm butting in? Or does she need a friend? What if I say the wrong thing? It would be easy to ignore her, to assume she wouldn't want me to interfere. But what if no one responds? Does she walk away feeling unimportant, unnoticed, unloved?

It's a tough call, uncomfortable and sometimes heart-pounding, because it's risky. What do I say? How will it be taken? What good can I do when I don't really know her?

But part of connecting with others is showing empathy and though everything in me screams to look the other way, if I am committed to building relationships, I can't. For me, my soft side usually wins out in these sorts of situations. My heart can't take seeing someone suffer, so I take a deep breath, feel my pulse throbbing in my throat, and ask.

I find the good responses FAR outweigh the bad. Most of the time people appreciate someone caring enough to ask. They don't expect magic words to solve their problems. A sincere hug may be comfort enough. Knowing someone noticed may be all a person needs to feel loved. Often a new relationship begins as well.

Once I did what felt risky with a woman from Bible study, the whole time feeling as though my heart were going to pop out of my chest. But taking that risk began a wonderful relationship for me. The woman became a dear friend who encourages and challenges me, who makes me better than I was before. I hate to imagine what I would have missed out on had I stayed safe that day. It was SO worth the initial anxiety and discomfort. SO worth it.

I know it's not easy. Believe me, I know. But won't you try it for yourself? What wonderful relationship is ready to bloom for you if you're willing take a risk?



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations
Be Yourself

Rain Blessings

It's raining again. And though it's so dark, the drops falling outside my window soothe. In the storms of life, our anxieties build, our worries form an enveloping darkness. It's hard to see past the clouds. So where are the soothing raindrops?

They come in the form of words.

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion . .

Peace begins to sprinkle.

So do not fear, for I am with you. . .

For I know the plans I have for you. . .plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

His words fall softly.

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. . .

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

Their gentle rhythm soothes.

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

The rain washes, freshens, provides growth.

And I am thankful for the storm.


Scripture references:
Isaiah 30:18
Isaiah 41:10
Jeremiah 29:11
Lamentations 3:22
Deuteronomy 31:8

7 Quick Takes (Volume 38)

1) My hormones were doing a number on me and I was particularly grouchy with my kids. My youngest has a very tender spirit and seemed a little bothered all day, so I thought it important to explain my mood had nothing to do with her and everything to do with raging hormones.

"When you grow up and start turning into a woman, your body starts changing. . ."

That's as far as I got before she put a hand to her mouth, pulled her shoulders in and giggled, feeling embarrassed about where this discussion was leading.

Isn't it nice to know ten-year-olds can still be innocent?

2) With the current economic crisis, this C.S. Lewis quote shouted at me when I read it this week--"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains; it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. . . ." Sigh. Are you feeling roused?

3) Our summer musical production, "Once Upon a Rhyme" opens tonight. We have performances Friday and Saturday at 7:00 (that's a plug for you people who live close enough to come--find us at Christ Community Church in Beatrice). It's a whole bunch of silly and has been fun to work on. I get to wield the power stick again for this one (I'm conducting) and have enjoyed it.

I hope it isn't bad to admit I'll be glad when we wrap this up though. It seems like we don't get summer until this is done.

4) Yep, you guessed it. I'm still failing summer. I've done a better job of stuffing the frustration and not biting my kids' heads off, but I feel like a pressure cooker ready to blow.

5) Five days until Operation Get Out of Town. MAN, do I need it. Too bad it has to be a working vacation. A lot of sleeping and laying in the sun sounds good to me right now. But there will be lots of quiet which may do the trick too.

6) I'm having one of those Tami-you-should-have-kept-your-mouth-shut weeks. Sometimes I reveal too much about myself and people see the real self-absorbed me, which I hate. I used to be able to have entire conversations without ever putting myself into them. What happened to me? I try to blame it on my husband, Mr. Talkative, since his art of gabbing seems to be rubbing off on me, but I talked with someone yesterday who thinks our true selves come out more as we age. So maybe this has been the real me all along and I'm losing my filtering system as I'm getting older. Great. Gray hair, wrinkled skin AND stupidity.

7) We went to a wedding last weekend and I realized we could be sitting in the parents row in the next few years. My husband was only a year older than my son is now when we got married and when my mom was the age I am today, we'd been married two years! YIKES! There's no girlfriend on the radar yet, so we're safe, but the thought of life changing so drastically so quickly scares me.

It confirms to me I'm not trusting God like I used to. Isn't a person supposed to get better and better about letting things go? I'm not. It just seems like there are more and more things to worry about. But, there I go again, saying too much. I'm stopping right here.

I hope you have a terrific weekend, friends. Read more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

Steps to Connection: Be Yourself

I'm an introvert. Some of you may find it hard to believe, but it's true. As a child I was shy. I rarely made my presence known, challenged the rules or rocked the boat. I spent a lot of time observing conversations, imagining what it was like to be someone else. I suppose I formed opinions in those years too, but I rarely vocalized them. Most of the thoughts I knocked around in my head were questions anyway, questions I was afraid revealed my naivete.

But as I got older and braver, I opened up. I asked the questions, I shared the opinions, I engaged in conversations and an interesting thing happened. People seemed to like the thoughts running around in my puny brain. Some even appreciated them because they could relate. When I followed a bunny trail of my obsessive thought process out loud, people smiled. When I'd admit I didn't understand or had a difficult time, others nodded their head and said, "Yeah, me too." Giving glimpses of myself encouraged others to do the same, joining us together. The more I let my true self out, the more I felt loved.

And known.

Even the qualities people tease me about have garnered appreciation. Friends give me a bad time about overanalyzing, but I'm often asked what I think about things. One woman enjoys my confessions of wanting to be a rebel and though I may be mistaken, I see a little twinkle in her eye telling me a lot about her as well, linking us in unspoken understanding. I've been accused of having a "death stare" when I intently listen to people which used to bother me until I discovered it compelled people to spill their guts to me, freeing them from the burdens they carry.

I tell people if they really want to get to know me, they should read this blog. I've exposed myself plenty. I've admitted I'd love to have a secret tattoo. I've let my moodiness be clearly seen. I've revealed I find sex one of God's best ideas (yep, I really said it). I've made you privy to private conversations, thoughts and impressions. I've confessed to hating churchy lingo and words like "balance" and "witness." Yet in baring my soul I've kept and increased readers, even those who don't agree. How is this possible? Do my readers appreciate me being me, not a cookie cutter representation of a Christian woman? I like to think it gives them permission to do the same, to be who they are, whether they fit some prescribed mode of spirituality or not.

And there it is. Did you catch it? Being ourselves gives others permission to do the same, allowing true connection to take place. We all have distinct traits and ideas. When we hide them by trying to fit in, we deprive others of those elements that make us unique and endearing. We need to let the delightful, quirky parts of us shine.

I always appreciate a person who is willing to be who they are. I feel honored, trusted, when someone doesn't hold back. I want to know what you really think, not what you think I want to hear. I want to see the fire in your eyes as you discuss something you are passionate about. I want to know you're feeling depressed or hormonal or your teenagers are making you crazy (please don't let me think I'm the only one). When we share our true selves, even the parts we find a little ugly, we find kindred spirits to help us push through. If we hide ourselves, we wallow alone. The sooner we are able to be who we are, the sooner real connection can take place.



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability
Expectations

Loving Action

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

1 John 3:18

I know she's struggling. I see it in her eyes every time she enters a room. I know what causes her pain and I ask about it, trying to give her a sounding board, but I sense she doesn't really want to talk about it. She does a tremendous job of pressing on, but the sadness, the anxiety just sits there behind her eyes. I see it and I want to help.

But how do I love, in action, when there is nothing I can do, no way for me to alleviate the pressure? I lack the resources, the knowledge, the ability to solve her problem. I'm not sure what she needs or what would ease her burden. I've prayed and prayed and prayed (so has she) and still there is no change in her situation. It seems to only get worse.

If it were me, I'd be discouraged, doubting God. She's much stronger than I am, but maybe she needs someone to come alongside and believe God can do the impossible for her. Maybe she needs someone else to wait on God, to expect Him to work. Maybe she needs another set of eyes to watch for His hand or notice her pain. She may need someone to hold fast to the faith when she doesn't have it in her anymore. Does the knowledge that someone remembers her often in their prayers, lift her spirits? Can it assure her she is not on this road alone?

Believe.
Wait.
Expect.
Watch.
Notice.
Hold fast.
Remember.
Pray.

All verbs. All action.

It doesn't seem like enough, but it's all I can do. I am with you, my friend, and I love you.

7 Quick Takes (Volume 37)

1) Our kids had some friends over and as they were leaving, they passed me in the dining room on my laptop. One of the guys, stopped, came back in and said,

"I have to tell you something. I read your blog all the time, I mean, ALL the time."

I was so shocked a college guy would have any interest in this blog, all I said was, "Why?!"

"I don't know. I just like it," he said, "Keep it up."

So here's a shout out to that friend (I won't embarrass you by identifying you!). You made my whole week!

2) We have a real problem at our house on Sunday mornings. My older two kids can get themselves up for anything on any day at any time, EXCEPT Sunday mornings! I get so irritated and crabby. This last Sunday, the longer I waited, the angrier I got and I was sure someone would get slapped if I didn't let it go. So I just left them even though I knew at least one of them was almost ready.

Twenty minutes later, the two of them hunted me down at church, sheepishly giving me a hug.

"Sorry, Mommy," they said, trying to be cute.

And I fell for it. How can you not appreciate a couple of teenagers who felt bad, got themselves there in time even though I left them and came to apologize?

Yeah, I'm a pushover.

3) I had to throw away my favorite pair of flip-flops EVER. They were so worn out they made my legs ache. I was feeling like some frail old lady with a pain in my groin on one leg and a soreness behind my knee of the other. I didn't know which way to limp!

Man, I hated to throw them away, but I knew if they were around I'd be likely to slip them on again. Fashion isn't worth it.

4) I'm failing summer.

I've felt more pressure to get stuff done since school's been out, than when I was barely keeping my head above water attending end of the year activities. When were the "lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer?" I know I put too much pressure on myself. I looked forward to sleeping more, but instead I'm staying up later. How can I not even accomplish that?! I'm stressed out trying to keep kids doing more than video games and movies all day. I want to enjoy time with them too, but then there's the constant nagging in my head to accomplish the tasks I don't have time for during the school year. I try enlisting their help and they're pretty good about doing it, but I'm monitoring their progress, keeping them on task, generally being a Queen Grouch Monster.

Yeah, fun times.

5) Pressure. It's my word for the week.

6) Wimp. It's my moniker for life.

7) Have a good weekend. It's my way of moving on to the next thing.


Read some cheerier Quick Takes at Conversion Diary.

Steps to Connection: Expectations

It's easy for me to connect with people initially. I am exposed to lots of like-minded women in Bible study and fun-loving women in the Creative Arts ministry at our church. Finding people I'd love to spend more time with and get to know better is simple. There are a lot of fascinating people on this earth, you know?!

But time is limited. I still have a family. I still have responsibilities (and I STILL HAVE MESSY CLOSETS! ARG!). I would love to do lunch and coffee with people every day, but the reality is I can't. I'm afraid I've disappointed a lot of people. I don't mean to, but I'm human. I mess up. I'm not perfect (gasp!).

I find the people I have the best connections with are those who are patient with me, those who don't lay high expectations on me or my time, those who love me even if I forget their birthday or don't return their phone call right away, those people who greet me the same way whether we've seen each other or not, those who don't hold me to a faultless standard I cannot achieve. My most satisfying relationships believe the best about me and simply love me, no matter what I do or don't do, flaws and all.

If that's what I desire in relationships, I need to be willing to do the same for others. I can't take it personally if a friend cancels because they're swamped at home. I shouldn't assume she's mad at me if I don't hear from her for a week. I shouldn't read too much into it if she seems grouchy or short on the phone. I need to give her the benefit of the doubt and realize she has bad days and hormones which wreak havoc on her just like mine do.

I deepen my relationships by having no expectations on friends' behavior, by giving them the freedom to be honest with me when they don't have it in them to meet, by giving others the confidence they can't disappoint me and don't have to be anything for me. I don't base our relationship on how much time we spend together, but on a commitment to love them. Loving them means making the relationship easy to maintain and expecting nothing.

Can I ask you some tough questions? What kind of expectations are you projecting on your relationships? How are they making a connection with you difficult?

I am not meaning to point any fingers or make anyone feel bad. Believe me, I've spent a lot of time working through my own answers to these questions and it wasn't always pretty. But if we are serious about forming real connections with others, I think we have to face up to the fact that our expectations can drive people away from us.

A good way to cultivate lasting relationships is to provide a soil of commitment and faithfulness, being diligent to weed out our expectations which often choke the blooms of connection.



More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time
Availability

Related link:
When Words Don't Come Easy

Finding a Better Way

When a compliment comes, she has a hard time believing it, often dismissing it as someone just trying to be nice. She's seen her reflection. She is fully aware of her weaknesses. She knows the truth.

But what makes her view of herself more accurate than that of another? Does her dismissal hurt the person giving the compliment? Does it make them feel stupid? Though she thinks of it as being humble, doesn't it require some selfishness to hang on to these impressions of herself? Does her warped thinking only keep her focused on herself?

Worst of all, it affects her marriage. She dismisses her husband just like the others and without realizing it, she puts him down. If she can't accept his view of her, can't believe he really means it, why should he keep trying? Will her continual inability to see what he does, tear him down? Does she make him feel like a failure when he can't make her feel beautiful? Will her twisted thinking drive a wedge between them?

But what if, what if she believed the nice things people said?

What would happen if she actually accepted it? Would she be more attractive because she was more at ease with herself and less needy? Would people be drawn to her because of her confidence? Would she be free to meet the needs of others better? Would life be more enjoyable? Would she stand taller, smile more, shine as God intended?

Pining away for what she wishes she could be prevents her from being who she is: a distinct, unique creation of an Almighty God. Does God really want His creations finding fault in themselves? What does it say to Him? Are we trying to tell Him He didn't do a good job?

It's not right. We must find a better way to live, fighting the temptation to put ourselves down. Will we bloom into our real selves if we CHOOSE to believe what others see? Are we depriving the world of God's specific design of us until we do?

7 Quick Takes (Volume 36)

1) I've enjoyed talking with our older kids lately about relationships and responsibility, and being careful with your heart (and body).

"It seems like once God gets a hold of a person's heart, there's no turning back and they solidly stick to their convictions," I said, "When do you think God really got a hold of your heart?"

To my surprise, our oldest thought his first week in college was a turning point for him. Seeing up close and personal how falling for worldly traps can harm a life, he realized his need for God. Pretty cool.

Christians often worry about their kids going off to a secular college (and I am no exception), but in his case, it cemented what he believed. God can make anything work out for His good.

2) Our daughter's first response to "When do you think God really got a hold of your heart?" was "Missions trip" (We have awesome youth sponsors at our church--THANK YOU SAM AND BECCA!), but then she added that going through problems and concerns with her friends in the last year made her look for answers in her Bible.

Don't you love how God works?!

3) Have you bought into the phenomenon of Twitter? I have an account, but I still can't get into it much. I heard a story on K-LOVE this week about John Piper coming down on people who tweet during church. Apparently some people think of it as a great witnessing tool, giving the play by play of their worship service. Maybe I'm old-fashioned (am I really old enough to be saying that? sheesh!), but it never occurred to me to tweet during church. Isn't worship a time for worship, not color commentary? Of course, I'm not crazy about the "w" word (as in witness) either, but that's a whole 'nother story. Don't get me going, unless you're wanting to duplicate the whole balance fiasco.

4) In nineteen days I'm getting away for a few days alone with my husband, but who's counting?

5) We had a fun afternoon at church yesterday. Our whole family was working in different capacities to prepare for our summer production. One kid was drawing pictures on his graphic tablet to be displayed between scenes. Two were practicing music for the orchestra and the other was helping me paint set pieces. It was really kind of cool, our whole family, happily doing what they do best, all in the same room for the same purpose. You can be sure I savored it. Who knows if it will happen again.

6) I'm happy to report I haven't cleaned a closet yet. Although, YET is probably the operative word. Bleh!

7) I absolutely LOVE the show So You Think You Can Dance? I am down right envious of the way those people can move. They're so beautiful, so graceful. I am mesmerized at their body control. I couldn't get my body to do those types of things without breaking a hip or traumatizing small children. Man, I wish I had that kind of expression and beauty. Wow.

I'm afraid it's one of those skills you have to born with SOME aptitude for and I wasn't. I don't think the chicken dance counts, does it? Sigh.


That's all she wrote this Friday, friends. Read more Quick Takes at Conversion Diary. Have a great weekend.

Steps to Connection: Availability

I found connecting super easy when we led a Bible study for college kids. Really. All I had to do was open the door. They came with plenty of good, juicy topics to discuss, and the juicier the topic, the better we bonded (Word to the wise: If you're not willing to talk about anything, and I mean ANYTHING, don't attempt to hook up with college kids.). All I had to do was sit down in my favorite chair in the living room and let the games begin. No skill involved whatsoever. Fun, fun times. (Miss you, girls!)

Contrast that with my difficulty when we first moved to our community. I am naturally an introverted, shy person. Meeting people was a skill I had to learn, one which did not come without some personal discomfort. Our first years here, I found myself using my young children as a crutch. Instead of chatting with people at the conclusion of church, I'd rush back to the nursery and take my time fetching my kids to avoid the awkwardness. I'd use my children as a reason I couldn't be a part of groups. To be uber honest here, I looked for reasons to stay home altogether--the baby didn't sleep too well, I think my son is getting a cold, I better not infect others, it's too hot, my toddler is crabby, we've got nothing to wear, the dog gets lonely. . .you name it, I probably used it. Essentially, I made myself unavailable. I avoided the butterflies in my stomach getting to know new people, but I was very lonely. It was a good way to stay comfortable and safe, but a bad way to make friends.

The difference in these scenarios? My availability. When I made myself available to people, I realized conversing was not so tough and people could be refreshing. When I wasn't available, there was no chance for a friendship to form. It doesn't take too much to connect with people. Relationships can be formed simply by opening up your house and often just an ear to really hear another person.

Being available is one of the easiest ways to connect, requiring little skill and no preparation. It's only a matter of being there.

More Steps to Connection:
Understand All Have Insecurities
Vulnerability
Time

A Related Post: The Art of Hospitality

Being the Right Person

I want him to catch his breath when I walk into a room. I want him to spend his days noticing, and telling me about, every wonderful quality I have. I want him to surprise me with diamonds and take care of everything that worries me. I want him to be impressed with my cooking abilities and housecleaning skills. I want him to think me the most capable mother on the planet. I want him to say nice things about me to his friends and think I am the hottest thing he's ever seen. I wouldn't even mind a little drool.

At the very least, shouldn't he notice the efforts I make to make his life easier?

But loving doesn't work that way in God's economy. He calls us to a higher standard. He tells us being a good mate is not about getting what you want. It's about being what he needs.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

My husband doesn't need a high maintenance wife.
He doesn't need me adding to his stress with big expectations.
He doesn't need to work himself to death to afford expensive presents.
He doesn't need to walk on eggshells to keep me happy.

My husband needs a welcoming atmosphere to come home to.
He needs a team mate and sometimes a coach, but never a taskmaster.
He needs a confidante, not a mother.
He needs a lover, not another person to please.

It's a tall order and I fail regularly. It requires me to swallow my own selfishness and an awful lot of snark from time to time. But when I work to give him what he needs, instead of expecting what I want, he appreciates it. He wants to reciprocate.

When I build him up, he's stronger. When he's stronger, WE'RE stronger. Being the right person, the right wife for my husband, will bring out the best in him.


Give a shout out to Christine and read more Marriage Monday posts at Fruit in Season.